I know that things I have chosen to do in the last several months may not make sense to most people. I know that it might be hard for people to understand when I tell them that I am doing what the Lord has asked me to do. The choices that have been made may not even seem like the smart thing to do, but I have learned something important in my life. When Father has a plan for you, and He tells you what He wants you to do, you do it, with the utmost faith that everything will work out in the end. He is doing it to test your faith and your obedience, and it will be tested to the ultimate limits. However, I also know that He only does this to strengthen us, because something else is coming and we need to be prepared.
This all started a few months ago when Matthew got a job. After 6 months of being unemployed and our situation being a little shaky he got a job and we were both so relieved. I was still working full time, and we were very happy that things would be getting better financially. However, I got this very strong feeling that I was supposed to quit my job. Now, don't get me wrong here. I was feeling overwhelmed and burdened at the time I got this message from the Lord, but I also thought it was just my own whims that were dictating my feelings on the matter. So, I chose to ignore it and continue to work. But again, I felt the spirit telling me that Father wanted me to quit my job. I got rather upset and sort of screamed back at the spirit. "How can I possibly do that right now?!!! We aren't financially stable, and I don't think this is you talking to me, but my own inner voice. I just can't right now, so I'm sorry. " However, Father must have known how stubborn I am so He kept insisting, through the spirit, that I quit my job.
I decided to at least pray about it. I could separate my feelings a little easier if I was consistently trying to find the Lord's will for me and my family. I spent at least 2 weeks in constant prayer, and searching the scriptures for answers. Trying to feel my way through this muddle of a mess. I truly felt like it was time for me to quit. So, I made that decision, and the immense relief that washed over me was insane. I felt an instant peace, and happiness, and the stress and pit in my stomach went away immediately. I couldn't deny that this is what the Lord wanted.
The next day I went to work, and I didn't put in my 2 weeks notice. I started thinking about everything and how this would all work, and the why and how of what was happening and being asked of me. I quickly was afraid, and decided that despite my answer to quit, I would just stay. As soon as I decided that, I felt sick to my stomach. I ended up with the pit in my stomach back again, stressed beyond belief. I went home and talked with Matthew about everything, and he told me simply that if the Lord told me to quit, then I needed to do that. However, he was also worried about our finances, so we decided I would stay until the end of the year and ask Heavenly Father if that was ok. So, we prayed together to see what Father would tell us.
Now, during all this time there was an issue with my father in law. He had ended up in the hospital and was very sick for a while. I was trying to get on leave from work, but I wasn't eligible for any leaves. I was feeling more and more like I was need in other places, and that in my current position I couldn't fulfill all the roles that I needed to. I was feeling like maybe that's why Father told me to quit my job. What I would be doing as a stay at home mom would be far better, and the reason I was needed away from the workplace. When I woke up the next morning I felt that it was wrong to do stay. I couldn't wait. Father needed me to quit now, and I wasn't sure the reason why, but it was what He was asking. I knew he was also probably getting to the end of His patience with me, so I put in my 2 weeks notice and quit my job. School started right after that and things got busy with keeping up with the schedule for the kids and making sure things were being done around the house as well. Matthew was working at his new job and I was taking care of the house and kids. I also had more time to devote to my church callings and to my family as well. I have not regretted the decision I made, because I know that it was made with help of the spirit, and He has been guiding me through the whole process.
Things have been pretty tight financially. Especially here at the Christmas season it is being keenly felt by Matthew and me. We have been praying for help and went to the Bishop to see if we could get a little help. Matthew is working lots of overtime, and he's applied for another job as well to see if he gets that it will ease things up a little. Affording some things for Christmas was hard, but we were blessed yet again by Matthew's parents. My parents were SO amazing and helped us even further out of the problem, and we've had lots of prayers and help by those close to us in our ward and our friends. But I've still had those thoughts in the back of my mind that people don't agree with the decision made for me to stay at home. Which has made me feel a lot of guilt over the help and outpouring of love we've received.
Along with the guilt comes thoughts of just going out and getting a job. I pray about it at least once a week if I need to go back to work. And everytime I ask I get a resounding NO. I wish that people could understand and support the decision sometimes. I know I made the right decision, but having people in my life be against it has been hard, and adds more stress to my life because I feel like I let them down. But I'm trying not to let Heavenly Father down, so why am I being punished for trying to be good and listen to God?
I was at Jiffy Lube today trying to get the oil changed in our vehicles and get the registration taken care of since both cars bad been expired. I started reading the Book of Mormon again, out loud in spanish, starting this month. I haven't gotten very far, but i try to read every few days or so. I decided to read out loud since I was there alone and I could practice my pronunciation a little bit. I also thought it might heal and soothe my troubled heart. As I was reading I came across a familiar scripture in 1 Nephi 3:7. Lehi is telling his sons to go and get the plates from Laban. Laman and Lemuel are of course complaining, and Lehi is telling them hey, look guys. It's not like I'm asking you to do it, but the Lord is asking you to do it. And Nephi, who is the youngest brother in the family at this point, says that he will go and do what the Lord has commanded. He knows that the Lord will prepare a way for him to accomplish getting the plates. I know that my choice to quit my job and be a stay at home mother was right. I also know that, like Nephi, the Lord will prepare a way for us to be able to accomplish having Matthew be the sole provider of our family and for me to stay at home and fulfill my sacred role as a mother. It hit me so hard that I am doing the right thing. I may be persecuted for it, but I am doing the right thing and Father is teaching me how to fulfill other roles in my life better, and this is a time for Matthew to be learning how to provide and move forward with his plans and dreams to be able to do so adequately. I know EXACTLY why Father wanted this for us. I know my purpose and the plan He has for me and my family right now. No one else does, and that's ok. My full trust needs to be in God and His plan, not what every one else around me is saying. That's not to say I don't want their opinion or their wisdom. Because I do. But maybe I'm learning that what I need more is unconditional support and strength because I AM trying to do as the Lord is commanding me right now. Maybe I just need someone to be proud of me for that. Maybe I just need to only rely on Father being proud of me, and that will be good enough.
As I continued reading in the scriptures the story of when Nephi goes with his brothers to get the plates unfolded. They tried a couple of different ways, and when those ways failed, Laman and Lemuel started to murmur against Nephi and the whole issue. Then they actually started to beat Nephi and Sam. But an angel appeared and reprimanded them. The angel basically told Laman and Lemuel that they shouldn't be beating their brothers who are only trying to follow what the Lord has told them. That hit me pretty hard as well. I feel that I am being beaten up emotionally, and it is all because I am trying to follow the Lord. Instead of getting support from those I love I am getting judged and ridiculed for my choice, even though it was based in the spirit and the will of my Father in Heaven. And right after this happens, the angel tells them to go back another time, and the Lord would deliver Laban into their hands. Father kept his promise. He did prepare a way for them to accomplish what He had asked them. And it was only after the trial of their faith. After them trying a few times on their own, then He stepped in to help them. He spoke through the spirit to Nephi to be able to take care of it, because Nephi was faithful. I am going to follow the example of Nephi, and I am going to keep trying, and keep moving forward. I am going to continue to listen to the spirit so that we can receive the blessings of faithfulness and obedience. Because I know that Father has prepared the way, and I believe we have found what He wants us to do. Now I am ready to go and get it.
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