When I was in the MTC as a young missionary I was sitting in a church meeting and the Branch President got up to share a talk with us. I remember him talking very specifically about the Doldrums. I was in the MTC for what felt like years, but it was actually only 2 months, and he said that people who are here for a long while because of needing to learn a language always end up hitting the Doldrums. At the time, I didn't really know what that meant. And then after about 5 weeks there I was wondering if time would ever pass and I would ever get to the mission field. Was I going to know everything I needed to know? Was I as prepared as the people in Chile would need me to be? I was in a trio in the MTC, and there were some issues that came up there as well, and we were locked in a room together until we worked out our issues. The Doldrums! What a horrible thing to face. Just feeling like you are doing the same old thing, every day, and not really moving forward. Feeling like the people who you are around all the time are getting on your last OCD nerves. I didn't ever really think about this again after the mission. I didn't really think about this happening in my normal, everyday living, but alas, it has happened. And on more than one occasion has it happened. I feel myself just existing, just in a state of being, with no motivation, depressed as all get out, and not able to feel like I am moving in a forward direction.
So, what does one do when in the Doldrums of life? Lately I feel very lackadaisical. I see a million things that need to be done, and yet I don't have the motivation to get them all done. I do the basics that need to be done everyday, and I make a list with the intention of doing better tomorrow, because a good night's sleep always makes things better, right? But, it doesn't always work the way I hope. And I don't always wake up with a new zeal for life and for the day. The last couple of weeks I just feel like I am in a daze. I don't feel like my life is moving forward, nor do I feel I am moving backwards. I often have this ominous feeling that something is about to happen. Whether good or bad, I won't know until something happens, but I don't sense it will be a very happy thing. Maybe it is due to some recent health issues I am dealing with. Maybe I am making too much of it. Maybe I just need a vacation, from my problems. Whatever the case, I am needing to find a way out of this.
One of the things that depresses me the most these days is my weight. I hate how big I am, and I hate that no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to help, and nothing I do is helping me to lose weight so I feel good again. It's not even that I want to be a stick thin person like I was in high school. I would just like to lose 60 lbs or so. Is that really so much to ask? Why does my body hate me so? What could I possibly do to make things better or make it seem like it's working. I know it won't be easy, and I don't expect it to be. I just want things to move along. So, I went to the Dr and they gave me some meds that should help a lot. I have lost 10 lbs already, so hopefully that is a good sign!
I want more than anything to help the people around me. I don't have all the money in the world, but I do have lots of experience, and definitely experience in what not to do as well as what would be good. And I know I'm not perfect. I try to use the things I have learned to help me and my family. I try to use those things to help my siblings as well. I feel stressed a lot about those types of things, and I want nothing more than for everyone to be ok, and to have what they need, and to be happy with what they have. It's human nature for us to always want what we don't have. I have tried hard to just want what I have, and be grateful for the things that were put in my path. I want so desperately for my loved ones to learn from my mistakes and not to repeat them. But, Lucifer is definitely working in the hearts of men, and we always want that instant gratification. But then we find that a long time in the future, that all those insignificant times of having that instant gratification, that we have nothing. We aren't really where we want to be because we didn't sacrifice the "now" for the bigger prize later. A good friend once said to me that we need to find joy in the journey. That I should think of the trials and the hard things as the plane ride to the Bahamas. It'll be worth it. I took that to heart, and it has brought me considerable joy, sometimes during really hard trials for me, and I have found that is a good way to live life. It's not about always getting what we want. It's about living in accordance with what the Lord wants, whatever that may be. And that may not always line up with what we think we want or what we think is best for us. Thank Goodness! But, in living that way, I have seen some real prayers answered, and I have seen some really great things happen to our family. One thing I am so happy about and grateful for is that we are almost out of debt. And we are doing everything we can to spend as little as possible because the reward of being debt free will be the biggest relief and blessing that we could ever hope to have. We don't need a ton of money, just need to manage what we do have in a way that we have what we need. For us and our boys. I just really hope and pray everyday that others that are struggling will get that, and feel it way down in their soul. I want them to succeed. And I want them to be able to do that without anyone having to carry them through. We are all capable, and we are all heavenly beings sent here to this earth to learn and grow. And this is one thing that I feel can alter the course of anyone's life. So learning and growing, and accepting other people's decisions, when you know it will bring them heartache I think also adds to this Doldrums feeling. I can't help other people and I can't help myself.
What is the answer here? What can I possibly do to make some of the stress and strain of daily life ebb away? I'm still not sure. The only thing I am sure of is that I can do more of the things that will bring me happiness. I can read my scriptures more faithfully. I can pray to Heavenly Father and ask Him to help me, to bring me peace. I can try to get to the temple more, and I can try to get to church more. I want to feel good, and I know one person who can always make me feel better, even when nothing else seems to work. Heavenly Father understands, and He loves me. It doesn't matter that I am imperfect, and it doesn't matter that I have made mistakes. I am trying, and that matters. He is in my life, and that matters. My sins don't have to be on record forever, and THAT matters. I know things will get better. I can already feel a little seed starting to bud inside and I know things will be ok. I just need to face the trials head on, and fight to keep my head up and do that things that are the most important and that will bring me happiness. Nothing else will really matter.
