Michael Goes to the Dentist

Michael went to the dentist for the first time this month.  He did really well at first.  He decided that the chair was cool, and he liked when they showed him the tools.  He was under no circumstances, however, going to let them clean his teeth or do anything inside his mouth.  Poor guy kept saying, "Mommy, help me!"  I felt so bad, but I know that it will get better.  He just needs to get used to it.  But they let him pick a new toothbrush and gave him some cool kid flossers afterwards! 

And of course, he had to have his shield.  It was probably that shield that made him want to sit in the chair at all.  He sure loves to be a superhero!  

After we went to the dentist, we went outside to the car and it was POURING rain!  We waited a couple of minutes hoping it would slow down at least.  It did a little, and we went to the car, where Michael found a puddle.  He wanted to play in the puddle, and so he screamed and cried all the way home because I wouldn't let him play in the puddle.  I probably should have let him, but I didn't want him to get sick.  It would figure that my son would find the water puddle and want to go swimming. :) 

Life is just Hard Sometimes

Dear Journal,

     Being a woman is hard.

             I never would have imagined 20 years ago just how hard it would be to grow up and be a full grown woman, the full version of myself.  It seems like when we are young, all we crave and want is to grow up, to be treated as a grown up.  It seems like yesterday I was thinking that very thing.  Now I wish I could go back to being young again. 

            I have been struggling a lot lately with being able to be everything.  Am I enough?  I am a daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, mother, sister, house maid, valet, financier and budget maker, and part time employee.  How does one person juggle so much?  How can anyone do all that and stay sane?  The question I keep asking myself is how can one person "do it all"?  I think of my Mother when I ask this question.  She took care of 7 children.  She bore us, and labored and delivered us, and took care of us and even when my Dad lost his job and there was nothing, somehow she made everything work out.  Somehow, she was able to juggle all of that, and alone, because my Dad was going through some things and wasn't really there mentally to help all the time.  She took in babysitting kids, she worked in the family business, and she took care of us and the house.  She also helped on the fruit farm and ran that for several years.  She expected a lot out of me, and I thought back then what I wouldn't give to be an adult, and to be able to be out on my own and make my own decisions, and do whatever I felt like.  Oh boy, I really didn't have any idea what my Mother was going through, not really.  I didn't know what was in store for me as an adult.  And sometimes, I still don't. 

             Just when I think I have a routine down, just when I think that I can handle the kids alone, and just when I think that we are ok financially, God decides to put that faith to the test.  I don't know if I am winning the battle. 

            I have never really struggled with depression.  I have always been the kind of person that is able to pick myself up and dust myself off, and find new ambition, new motivation for going forward.  All I want in life is to be able to be growing, to be progressing in this life.  That means in all aspects of my life, but lately I feel like I am just going through the motions.  I feel like I am just barely able to keep my head above water.  I don't really have any reason to be sad or depressed, but no matter how hard I try, some days I can't even really function more that just the bare necessities.  And then I feel guilty, because I should be able to do this.  There are so many women out there who are doing more than me, who are handling all of this better than me, and I feel that I should be doing it to.  My Mother did it, and she still does.  I just don't know why I can't be as strong as her, as the millions of other women in the world that have these same struggles, and some have worse problems than me.  So then I stress out and feel guilty about that and then all my inadequacies come tumbling down on me.  All the guilt from all the things I'm not doing, but I feel I should be doing, whether I feel capable or not.  So I stress about stress about guilt that I'm stressing about.  Then I feel all tangled inside. 

            I feel bad, and guilty about the kind of wife I am.  Matthew always tells me he loves me, and I know there are times he wants to be close to me, and I just can't do it.  Then not doing that makes me feel guilty, and like he may not want me, so I try harder, and I go around in a circle.  I think the problem I am having is I don't feel worthy to be with him.  I don't feel like I'm good enough, pretty enough, supportive enough, whatever it may be; I just don't feel enough. 

            I have a really bad self image.  I don't like to look at myself.  If I am getting ready for the day I just look at the thing I'm trying to accomplish, but not at all of me, because I can't bring myself to.  If I do then I just start criticizing all the things that aren't perfect on my face and body.  My body doesn't really work like it could before having children.  Being pregnant is really hard, and it really did a lot more to my body than I thought it would. No one really prepares you for that, or even tells you that it happens.  I want my body back, and I want my life back. 

             I read a store online that got me thinking about some things I could do to help this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. 

"A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half... empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything."

Remember to put the glass down."

            I need to remember to put the glass down.  Sometimes that's easier said than done, but being a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I know that I don't have to do everything alone.  I know that I don't have to try and be everything all the time.  I just needed to be reminded of this.  I knew that my spirituality was lacking.  I knew that I needed to be doing better.  I started to feel guilty about that as well, but then I tried to convince myself that it wasn't worth feeling that way about myself.  The best thing to do is to just DO!  I don't feel worthy to have Heavenly Father's help, but it doesn't matter.  He is there to help us no matter when we need it.  Especially when we don't feel worthy.  I started small.  I started with a very sincere, humble, and heartfelt prayer.  I asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for my faults, and the things I haven't been doing.  I asked Him to help me to know what to do, and how to make things work in my life; I need to progress, and to have Him help me to do that. 

            The next day I saw a quote of facebook by Sister Marjorie Hinckley.  It reads:

"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives.  We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us.  We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something.  We have to learn to be content with what we are."

            This really hit my heart.  I needed to hear this, or read it rather.  I am always thinking of the things in my life as if I were in the same league as other women.  For example: I have 2 children, and I have a hard time dealing with them some days, and I think to myself, "I only have 2 children and I can't do this?  I know other people with a lot of kids and more problems than me."  I spend my time comparing what I am doing, or capable of doing, with what other people are doing, or capable of doing.  That isn't right.  We are all different.  We all deal with things differently, and we all have different trials.  That doesn't mean that we aren't as good as someone else.   I never truly had thought of it as being a maturity thing, but Sister Hinckley helped me see that it really is.  I need to be adult enough, have enough confidence and understanding of myself to know that I don't need to prove something to anybody.  I think that maybe somewhere in me I have been trying to do that.  I am always thinking I need to keep up appearances for people to see.  It doesn't matter what others see, it only matters what Heavenly Father sees in me. THAT should be my motivation.  To see in myself what Heavenly Father sees, and to act in accordance with what I know will please HIM and make Him proud of me.  I just need to be the best version of myself, not the best version of all my friends and family and what they do.  I need to be content with me. 

            However, that is easier said than done.  I don't feel that way about myself.  Like I stated previously, I don't really have a good self image, or confidence in myself.  And part of it is how I look, and part of it is on the inside.  So, I am trying to work on both, a little at a time, and become the woman that my Heavenly Father needs me to be.  I know I have an important work in this life, but if I'm not alright with myself, how can I help others?  This was really driven home in me when I read Elder Hales' talk from General Conference.  One of the quotes that he gave that his father said to him was, "straighten up and fly right."  What a great statement to live by, a great motto for life.  There were several topics that he brought up in this talk that really helped me to gain focus.  He talked about debt.  "You are rich if you can live happily within your means.  How can you do it?  Pay your tithing and then save!"  He talked about education: "Knowledge does away with daqrkness, suspense and doubt; for these cannot exist where knowledge is . . . In knowledge there is power."  He told us to select mentors, and ones that have our spiritual well-being at heart.  The thing about that is going to be occasionally taking constructive criticism.  "If you want my counsel, be prepared to take it."  He cautions us to be careful about taking advice from peers.  "If you want more than you now have, reach UP, not across." He also taught that we should "come to ourselves."  And to do that, to have what he calls a "personal counsel."  "After praying, spend some time alone.  Think about what is ahead.  ask yourself: 'What areas of my life do I want to strengthen so that I can strengthen others?  Where do I want to be a year from now? two years from now?  What choices do I need to make to get there?"  As far as all the things that are stressing me out and have caused me to feel depressed, this covered almost all of them.  It covered the part about finances, learning and getting my education (eventually).  It helped me find someone to turn to as a mentor and then to trust in myself and have my personal counsel to make goals and get excited to keep the goals that I am making in my life to move forward.  The other thing I think I have struggled the most with is being a mother. 

            Am I capable of doing this?  Are my children going to turn out alright?  If I can't even handle the two I have, then why am I thinking I want 4 children?  It weighs the heaviest of all the things in my life on my heart.  Am I going to be good enough?  Well, going into conference prayerfully was really inspired, and I'm so glad that I ignored my instinct to not want to ask for help from Heavenly Father.  He made sure that I would find my answers there.  And the answer to this in my life was in Elder Holland's talk.   

             Elder Holland is an apostle that always speaks directly into my soul.  He knows how to tell me just what I need to hear from the Lord, at a time when I'm needing to hear it.  He speaks about the love of a mother in a way that I had never really thought about before, but that I understand, and felt that was the burden I was carrying right now in my life.  In he talk he said, "No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child." Being a Mother is often times so hard.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life, and some days I just don't know how to go on.  I am still trying to recover just from the pregnancy and the birth, and there is this tiny being, who is completely and 100% dependent on me, and I just feel inadequate and horrible all the time.  I have a two year old who is constantly wanting my attention as well and things just seem as if I will never ever get anything done ever again.  But when they smile at me, and they laugh and giggle and play with me, my heart is so full of love I don't know that I can contain it all.  I guess that's truly how Heavenly Mother feels.  In church we always talk about how it would be for Heavenly Father to see his children acting the way they do, and carrying on.  Also how He would feel if we are good, and doing those things He has asked of us.  I wonder a little more about Heavenly Mother.  Women are emotional creatures by nature, and I can't even imagine what it would be like for her to see all these children that She has helped to create and how they act towards each other, and towards themselves.  Does She ever struggle with these feelings that I am struggling with now?  I don't really have an answer for that, but I would like to think that she knows so much more, and that is why She also allowed for her son, Jesus Christ, to come here and sacrifice himself for us.   For Him to actually feel all that we feel in every sense of the word; so that when I am having these feelings of not being enough that He understands, and that is because of our Heavenly Parents.  And maybe that's what Elder Holland was trying to get across, that in understanding all of that and doing all of that we are closer to understand the true love that Christ has for us.  I love the portion of letter that Elder Holland shared in his talk from a young mother. 

    "How is it that a human being can love a child so deeply that you willingly give up a major portion of your freedom for it?  How can mortal love be so strong that you voluntarily subject yourself to responsibility, vulnerability, anxiety, and heartache and just keep coming back for more of the same?  What kind of mortal love can make you feel, once you have a child, that your life is never, ever your own again?  Maternal love HAS to be divine.  There is no other explanation for it.  What mothers do is an essential element of Christ's work.  Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can then say with Jesus, Father! I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do."

    How this soothed my troubled heart I could not even begin to describe in words.  I know that things are hard, but I wouldn't change them for all the world.  I had to work hard to get my kids, and had to go through a lot just to get pregnant, but they are my greatest miracles.  I am so grateful I have them in my life, and I would do it all again just to be able to see their smiling faces at me, and to know that I tried my best to get them here.  I will do my best to raise them, and when my best isn't good enough I will ask the Lord to give them what I cannot.  I am learning that I don't have to be perfect at everything, I just need to have perfect faith that the Lord will carry me through the things I can't do on my own, and let the rest of everything else go.  As Elder Holland stated, "Be peaceful.  Believe in God and yourself.  you are doing better than you think you are. . . . Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.  You are saviors on Mount Zion." 

    So, life is hard, but I now have a renewed sense of energy and focus.  I know that it won't always be easy, and I may have times that I feel I absolutely can't go another step.  But, I know in my heart that as long as I am trying my best, that I set goals and stick to them and ask the Lord to help and strengthen me, everything will be alright.  I want to tell my Mother thank you for being such a great example, and for always helping me when I need it.  Thank you for teaching me what I would need to accomplish my mission in this life, and thank you for coming down to see me when I'm in the depths of despair. 

Something New

       This is something new.  Something I've never done, and never thought I would ever do.  I used to think blogging was weird.  But then I started to see all these people keeping a sort of journal (blog) and you could see all the fun things they were doing, and pictures.  You could also see what they were going through and read a little more about what is happening in their lives without having to call and pry.  I've been going through something and I thought to myself, maybe this is something I should try.  I should try to keep a blog (journal) to keep tabs on the things that my family and I do.  That way I can always have a way to remember the things we do, big or small, and go back and see that; one day to be able to show it to my kids and they can see all the great things from when they were little.  I also think it would be good for me to have this as an outlet.  An outlet to write down my feelings and things I'm going through without having to clog up facebook with a ridiculously long post about my troubles.  It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this.  I will read it, and hopefully gain strength and insight through my experiences and trials that will get me through something in the future, and also my progeny.  I only hope that this will serve the purpose I am hoping, and that I can try to get better at it.  This blog thing is a little more complicated than I had originally thought.  I am still trying to figure out how to put  it all together, but I am working on it.
       I love the name that I picked for this blog.  Anyone who knows me can tell you what a HUGE fan of Disney I am.  All things Disney.  I just love the music, the movies, the Theme Park.  I have every animated feature film Disney have ever put out, and also all the Pixar movies  I enjoy watching those with my kids, and feeling that magic from when I was young, and seeing them enjoy it as much as I used to, maybe even more.  Anyone who knows my husband, Matthew, will know that he is a HUGE fan of Japanese Anime.  Not all of it mind you, because some of it is really questionable.  But he does love certain things, and he has enjoyed sharing that with our boys.  If you really want to know the truth, we are able to combine our 2 loves.  Thank you Studio Ghibli for your wonderful films!  Owned by Disney, and yet it's a beautiful and clean version of Anime.  My favorite is Howls Moving Castle.  Matthew likes several of them, so I don't know that he has a favorite, but I know that Michael LOVES Howls Moving Castle.  Thank you Emylee Montano for introducing it to me.  I love the message that is shared in the movie, something that every woman should feel about herself.  But, I won't spoil it just yet, in case you want to watch it. :)  I am in the process of reading the book it is based on, so I will probably put up a post about it when I'm done.  I'm not sure.  I'm still so new to this I don't know what I might end up doing.
       Life is so full of surprises.  And it only gets better as you get older.  It definitely gets harder as well, but it's all worth it.  The ride makes it exciting, and getting to a destination helps me feel a sense of accomplishment, and excitement yet again for another journey to take place, leaving that next destination and going towards another one.  May the journey be ever full of happiness and joy.