This is an entry I wrote for my journal, and I had a little nudging from the spirit to put it here as well. So, here it is.
I am writing this today to explain a little bit more my
feelings about my purpose on this earth, the things that have been happening
lately and the challenges I've faced. I
have definitely wanted to write about this sooner, but I think it took me this
long to just get things sorted through in my mind so I could actually do
that. So, here are the things that I feel
are important to put in here about my life and the things I've learned and how I've
changed because of it.
The
gospel has taught me many things in my life.
It has taught me that there is a purpose for why we are here on this
earth. That purpose is to learn and grow
to become more like God and in-so doing
that we will be able to live with God again, with our families, in the next
life. I firmly believe that there is a
next life and I can't wait to be able to see what that will be like. There are many things that help us become
more like Heavenly Father. That is
exactly why we have trials in this life. If we didn't have opposition, then we
wouldn't really understand some things. Things
that we need to learn and understand down into the very core of our being. Sometimes, even though we don't see it all,
there are terrible things that happen to us.
Sometimes it's our fault and sometimes it's not; And sometimes when we
ask Heavenly Father about it, why it is happening to us, I am doing everything
you ask, so why? I have learned
something so simple and yet so incredible that it is hard to wrap my head
around sometimes in a fullness of understanding. We are supposed to live by faith. What WE think is the best thing for us may
not be, because we don't see the WHOLE picture.
That doesn't mean that God doesn't love us or is punishing us for
something. That means that when he asks
us something, or when we are going through something and we aren't getting the
answer we want, or the healing, or whatever it is that we may be asking for, it
is because He sees all. He sees the
present need and what is to happen in the future. There may be reasons for us to go through
those things. The future is something
that God CAN see, and we CANNOT. Therefore,
when He asks something of us, even if it doesn't make sense or it is a hard
trial to go through, there is a lot going into Heavenly Father telling us to do
it. Maybe we are meant to learn from
that and then be able to help others through it. Maybe it is because we are needed somewhere
in the future for the greater good but we can't see that now, and God can,
hence He tells us to just do as He asks, through the guidance of the holy
spirit. That is truly what faith is all
about. Not just believing in God, but
doing what He asks, most especially when we don't understand. We are showing Him our true devotion, and our
true trust in Him when we follow Him. We
don't always know what's right. We have
the spirit to help us as a gift from Heavenly Father so He can more accurately
tell us what He needs for us to do. He's
even ok if we question it, and we ask Him why.
He may not always tell us the reason why, or even the full explanation,
but He will help us to be able to do or understand, because He never tells us
to do something without making a way for us to accomplish that thing. And He usually uses the spirit to help guide
us to what we need. I've finally grasped onto this concept more
fully and have been trying to implement it into my life.
In trying to implement that into
my life I have tried very hard over the last few months to be active again in
the church. I've never fallen away as
far as my beliefs go. I have a firm
testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and that the fullness of the gospel
was restored in this, the latter days. I
know that I am a daughter of God and He loves me and has a great plan for
me. I just haven't been good at actually
getting up to go to church. I have
realized that in doing that it has affected me more that I could possibly know,
especially now that I am wanting to find what MY purpose is; I'm trying to find
what the Lord has in store for me as my work on this earth. Now that I am becoming active again, and that
I have a calling as a primary teacher over the 10 year olds, I am seeing that
the most basic things are the things that I seem to have forgotten and haven't
been implementing in my life. I
remember being a missionary and thinking that I was sent to this specific place
because there is at least 1 person here whom only I can reach, and if I'm not
doing everything in my power to be the best and be an example and be a good
missioanry and person, then I won't find them and I'll have failed. That is something that, at judgement day, I
would need to face the Lord with. It is the same thing with myself. I WAS a missionary, and a stawart member of
the church who believes the gospel with all of her heart, but I wasn't getting
all the blessings promised if we but live it every day. If I am
to learn of the Lord's will for me in this life, and how to be the daughter He
is needing me to be and reach my full potential, then I needed to be reminded
of those things. I think having a
calling that has me teaching the most
basic principles of the gospel has helped me increase in faith and the desire
to do what the Lord asks of me. I have
seen the great difference in my life. I
am reading the scriptures almost daily, and praying more often. It is really helping me to see the
improvements I need to make and also how to be a better person all around. A better wife, mom, sister, in-law, ward
member, aunt, friend. I needed to be
reminded of those things to help me figure out what my life's purpose is here,
aside from the one that everyone has.
I have
a firm belief that everyone here has a singular purpose on this earth. A work that only THAT PERSON can do. Like how I felt on the mission, that there
were certain people there waiting for my specifically, I feel that each person
has a special calling, a special mission if you will, to accomplish I n this
life. Now I understand how that can sound strange to most people. We DO all have a mission here. To become more life Heavenly Father and live
accordingly, learning what we need to, and then to be able to live with Him
again. However if I learned anything
growing up it is that everyone has unique and special abilities that are
naturally theirs. And they were given
those gifts, and were maybe born at this time, in this age, because the world
and the people around them in it would need that special ability. My mother is a great example to me of
that. She is ALWAYS serving
someone. She has been that way since I
can remember. My mom is a very hard
worker, and she is always volunteering to help people, to be there for
them. Whether it's to mow their lawn, to
shovel snow, to make them a dessert they need for some event, or to clean their
house because their health isn't good.
Even when she is sick and not feeling great, even when she has given all
she has and it doesn't seem like she should be able to go another step, she
keeps on stepping, keeps on giving, and Heavenly Father has given the world,
through my Mom, one of the greatest examples of service I've ever had the
opportunity to witness. She usually
likes to do it silently, without people really knowing. If she can do something to help someone that
makes her feel good. And maybe she is
like that because that is the way she feels loved as well. It's an amazing gift and it is very useful in
this day and age where everyone mostly just thinks about themselves. In an age where mental illness and terrible
health issues exist. She is able to be
there to help them with those types of things and ease their burdens, even if
just a little bit. I know of a surety
that there is something, like that, with my particular talents and abilities, that
Heavenly Father needs me to do. It is
the thing that will consecrate me, the thing that will help teach me the things
that I need to know in order to make it to the Celestial kingdom, and to live
with Heavenly Father and my family forever.
In figuring this out I will be able to have a vision, to have a path and
goals. I won't feel so lost
anymore. I have felt so lost, not
knowing what it is I am supposed to really be doing. There are LOTS of great causes I could join
and help and there is always work to be done.
I can see that. But I need to
find myself, find who I REALLY am and am supposed to be for the Lord.
Not what I think I should be, or what the world sees and thinks I should
be. Heavenly Father will make me so much
more than I ever could alone. So, in
wanting this I've gotten more active about going to church. I take good time to prepare my lessons. I feel as if I have made a huge leap forward
in learning something that sometimes take us a lifetime to fully understand and
know that we should be doing. I am
becoming more what I envision for myself, a vision that Heavenly Father has
shown me. Today I made the greatest leap
of all. I have found my purpose.
I
decided to read through my patriarchal blessing and to highlight the blessings
and the admonitions in it, so I know what I need to be doing to have the spirit
with me more and receive the blessings promised. Not only the blessings in my patriarchal
blessing but the ones the Lord promises for us when we keep his
commandments. After finishing reading it
I felt a peace, a warmth, and I heard the words in my mind very clearly. "You are to bring my lost children back
to the fold". I am told some things
in my blessing that are pretty clear in this regard. As I read back over it, sorting out all the
feelings and information in my mind about what the spirit had just taught me, I
realized that everything in my blessing is helping me toward that very
end. Everything I am admonished to do,
all the blessings that I will gain, the special gifts and abilities that the
Lord blessed me with on this earth are to bring to pass that one thing. I will be able to learn how to become more
like Heavenly Father and attain the purpose for me being on this earth by helping
those who have lost the way. In order to
do that I need to be an example, I need to be constantly asking the Lord for
His help and guidance. My mother used to
always tell me that scripture in D&C 58: 26-29. I needed to learn to not always be told what
needed to be done. I should be able to
use my eyes to see what needed to be done.
That has actually served me well in my life. Whether it be in keeping a clean house or in
trying to help others with what they need.
But now I understand a little more of it than before. The end of that scripture reads, "But he
that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with
doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned." I always wanted someone to help me, to tell
me what to do, especially in life choices or things that just seemed too hard
to figure out on my own. I always
thought that other people could see more clearly than I could so it would be
best to find advice and take the best of the advice I got. However, I was being slothful. Sometimes I doubted what it was I was
supposed to do, and sometimes I just was plain terrified of doing it. I'm not very good with words and I didn't
want to make the problems with family and friends in my life worse than what
they already are. So, I was damned, or
stopped. My progression stopped because
I stopped, I didn't do, and if I had questions I should have asked Heavenly
Father and tried to keep the spirit in my life to get the answers from
Him. I wasn't bad. I'm not a bad person. But I wasn't living up to everything I knew I
should have been doing. Now that I know,
and I have gained the knowledge of this through personal experience I will
strive everyday to be able to fulfill this.
Life is hard. Of that there is no
doubt. I let the weight of all I was
going through and feeling at a certain point in my life get to me. I let it pull me down, and I conviced myself
that rather than try harder, I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't worthy of God's love, or anyone's love. And I
thought that God didn't love me, and I had convinced myself that because I was
a horrible person and I didn't deserve to be loved by anyone or anything that I
should just give up on certain things.
How wrong I was! That's when I
should have held more fast to the iron rod.
I should have tried to lift myself up out of the pit. In retrospect, I needed to go through all of
that. I needed to have those experiences
to change me, to make me more malleable in the Lord's hands. I maybe needed to feel all those things so
that I can now accomplish the thing that the Lord has put in my hands, to bring
the lost back to the fold. I will
understand what they have been through, and the thoughts and feelings
associated with it. I will be able to
testify of the redeeming power of the atonement and how it can change and heal
even the most damaged person.
I would
like to testify that Heavenly Father loves me.
He loves us all so much and no matter what we've done, or what life
throws at us or even how we react, He will always be there when we are ready to
come to Him. I am more humble, more meek,
and more ready to do His will. I have
more confidence in my abilities. I
realize that I don't need to be perfect in order to keep on working and trying
to do the Lord's work. I don't need to
be perfect to realize I have value, and that I DO have talents and things I'm
good at. I don't have to be a supermodel
in order to feel beautiful. I am who I
am, and as long as I have the Lord on my side and the spirit to guide me, I am
enough. Everything I am, everything I
will ever be will be enough, because the Lord will ALWAYS help me to accomplish
the thing which He has commanded, and ultimately that is to return to live with
Him in the Celestial kingdom. I have now
found my way to become perfected in Him.
I will try my very best to bring the lost back into the fold. What will yours be?
