I have never had a year harder than the one that is rapidly coming to a close. At the end of 2018 Matthew got laid off. I worked full time. Matthew got a job halfway through the year, and then I was told to stop working. I've never had a harder year than this, but there have been so many blessings, and more understanding of the great plan Father has for me in this life.
Working full time was hard for me. I did it with a happy heart because I felt, truly, that the Lord was trying to put us in a better position to be able to do better things in the future. It was hard, but I held onto that promise the Lord had made.
When Matthew found a job I remember thinking how great that was, and that it was an answer to prayers since our financial situation had been declining and we weren't doing great. Not terrible, but not great. Us both having jobs would helps things and we could dig ourselves out. But that's not what was in the plan Father had laid out for me.
Father told me to stop working. Matthew had JUST gotten a job, and weren't financially stable, but the Lord was VERY clear about it. I agonized over the decision for a couple of weeks. I was praying and doing anything and everything I could to make sure I was making a decision based in faith and the spirit, not my own wants. Once I made the decision to quit, I knew it was the right one. Never have I had a more firm response to a prayer in all my life. After a day or so I was afraid, and started to re-think my choice. I chose to stay, just until the end of the year and then I'd quit. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, and I knew that it wasn't the right choice. So, I knew Father needed me to quit my job, at a time when it was a terrifying prospect. I remember thinking that it was crazy, but if this is what God wants, then I will do as He asks. I felt very at peace with the choice, and so I quit my job. I was able to fulfill my role as wife and mother better. I was able to go and help my in laws more and to be able to see my family more. There are definitely great things that have come out of me being a stay at home mother and not working. And even in this hard situation now, I know it was the right choice, and the Lord has blessed us for our obedience. I see if in almost every aspect of my life. I'm better at my calling, I'm better at being there and in my children's lives. I'm learning to be a better wife and daughter/in law. The peace in my heart in truly indescribable.
Our finances, however, never have improved and have gotten steadily more unstable as time has gone on. We tried to re-finance the house to cash out some of the equity to be able to pay our debt and keep floating. We were rejected when we did that a few months ago, in Aug. We just tried again, out of desperation, and to our surprise and relief we were approved, so we have been hurrying to get things done so that it could go through quickly. We called this week to make sure the appraisal was received and everything was moving along. They said we wouldn't be closing on this until January. JANUARY????!!!!!! But, I'm screaming in my head, What about Christmas for our boys? What are we going to do? We need a couple thousand dollars just to come out even right now and I have NO idea where we are going to get that. I keep praying, and hoping. Hoping that things will work out how they need to and that I can be at peace with whatever Heavenly Father has in store for us, for me.
We are in the Christmas season, a time of year when miracles are believed in and can happen. This is the time of year that we believe in the magic of what Christmas represents. Some days I just hold on to that feeling and that hope so tightly that I feel like it escapes through my fingers, and then I feel depressed. I have a hard time feeling hope or feeling like there is a miracle out there for me. But, like my mother always told me, and was a great example to me, is that you have to keep moving forward. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best you can and then pray like crazy. I have learned over my 34 years of life that sometimes things are what they are, and you can't change them. That doesn't mean you have to let them get you down. That just means that you put your shoulder to the wheel and push along. Just roll up your sleeves and with a lot of gusto , grit, and determination you can deal with things. I've dealt with the finances of my family for my whole marriage. So I've had the opportunity to learn and understand a few things I didn't before, and I have learned a lot about how to go about handling and doing things. Sometimes I've had to get really creative to solve an issue, but I was always able to do that. I have learned that stressing about something you can't fix won't help anything. It's better to look on the bright side and put it in the hands of the Lord and do everything you CAN do. Because He will make up the difference, and fill the deficit after all that we can do.
After everything I've been through, and all the things I'm feeling now and the hopelessness I sometimes feel, I am still holding on to the hope and having faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know He will deliver me from where I am, I just have to be patient and know God has a plan for me. Even if I don't get everything my way, or the way I'd intended. I'm just hoping and praying, this Christmas, to be able to give love and kindness to others, and that I can provide enough for groceries and for a magical experience for my children. So I've been praying for that with all my heart and soul.
I was at a Christmas party with my friend, and the entertainment was David Archuleta. I went into the evening excited because it was a chance to get out of the house and just enjoy being out with friends and my husband. I never expected to feel the spirit so strongly and to have Father speak to my heart the way he did.
The music performed was phenomenal. David Archuleta has a gift. Yes, he has a great voice, but he puts a lot of heart and soul into his music, and he allows for the spirit to be there with him to communicate the message in his songs. There was 2 pieces of music that really touched my heart. One of those pieces of music was shared after a story about how he came to write the piece. It's called My Little Prayer. He told us of an experience of one night that he didn't say his prayer in the evening before he fell asleep. However, in his dream he was praying, but not like a normal prayer. He was singing his prayer. And even though he didn't hear Heavenly Father's voice, he could feel what He was communicating. He felt it so strongly, and he was told before he woke up that he needed to wake up and write this music down. So, he woke up, recorded the cords and the words of his prayer and he shared it with us. I felt like it was me saying a prayer to Heavenly Father. It's what I've been saying, praying, for months, and hoping for solace to heal my haggard heart. Here are the lyrics to the song:
Heavenly Father, I am grateful
for Your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
and that You are really there
sometimes I am afraid
and I know thats lacking faith
but I'm beginning to understand
that for me You have a plan
Heavenly Father I am grateful
for you sending your son
to die so that I live
and for never giving up
I'm learning every day
that I won't always have my way
but I'm beginning to understand
that for me You have a plan
Heavenly Father I am grateful
for You here in my prayer
I am learning to be patient
and that You are really there
There are answers I'm receiving
no there not always immediate
sometimes I have felt defeated
that's when I kneel down and pray
You show me You hear my prayer
I'm amazed by how You care
cause You hear my little prayer
The perfect way this describes my feelings over the past year is so indescribable. These are all things I am feeling, and learning, and trying to develop in myself. I know that Christ lives, and I know that He hears my prayers. I know that He is there advocating to the Father for me. I know that He is happy with the effort I put forth. I know very clearly, for the first time in my life, that the trials I am now facing are for me to learn and grow. They are very specific for me in this time, and for my family to be able to learn something that will be of great help and comfort to us in the future. I've never felt this way about a situation before. I could always look back in hind sight and see what the Lord needed for me to learn. But, I know NOW what it is He is needing from me, and I'm trying to have faith and keep on doing what He is asking. No matter how hard it is, or how inadequate I feel. No matter how worthless I am made to feel or how down I get, all it takes is a moment of reflection to remember how great He is and His love for me. He isn't doing this to punish me, but to lift me and make me better. He needs me to learn from this, to remember how it feels, and to be able to carry it with me throughout my life.
Jesus Christ, while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, there was only one time during the ordeal that He asked Father, "remove this cup from me, not as I will, but thy will be done". There's a lyric in that song that says, "I am grateful for you sending your son, to die so that I live, and for never giving up." God NEVER gives up on us, even when we give up on ourselves, or on each other, or even on Him. Something else I've pulled from that, is that Christ never gave up. He asked about a possibility, of not having to do this hard thing. However, he also was ok with Father's answer. And Christ NEVER GAVE UP. He went through the whole experience to make sure that I could return to live with my family and with God forever. If He, who suffered ALL things, never gave up, surely I can do the same, only ever having to go through my own trials in life, and not suffer and feel EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S suffering and trials. And in return for Him never giving up on me, and for continuously advocating to Father for me, I can find faith in my trials. I can help those in the midst of their trials and show love and compassion. I can accept the Father's will for me. It may not be always my way, but as long as it falls in line with heavens way, and the way Father has laid out for me, I can do it. It won't always be easy, but I can remember 2 things:
1. I can do hard things
2. Just like Christ, Never Give Up.
This too shall pass, and I know that it will be alright in the end of all things. The things we pass through are but a small moment in all reality. I will try to be more faithful in the moments that will mold and shape me. And in those moments I will remember the one who gave me the opportunity to come to this earth, and have these experiences. The experiences that will make me a great servant of the Lord and help me to be able to go back to live with my Father in Heaven. So even though I don't know how we'll buy groceries, or pay the bills this month, or even come up with Christmas, I know the Lord is with me and He is cheering for me and going to help me through this.
Friday, December 6, 2019
Sunday, May 12, 2019
The Roles are Reversed
I have been thinking lately just how hard it is for me now that I'm the only provider for my family. It's been several months since Matthew was laid off from his job, and we have been doing ok, but it is often hard for me to make myself work full time every day and miss the things that I feel are more important for me to be doing. Not that providing for my family isn't important. I am so happy that I have a good status at my current job, and benefits, and that everything is going smoothly. I even like my job, which is more than I can say for most people. However, it's just hard when you see so much that needs to be done, and you feel it's your responsibility to do it all, and it just isn't getting done. It's hard to feel like the time I spend at work is worth it when all I want to do is be home and do the things I find most worthwhile. Like keeping a clean house, spending time with my kids, taking care of the menus, grocery shopping, events, play dates, exercising and different things that life throws at me as a parent and a human being. I always have a list about a mile long that seems never-ending, and because Matthew is home with the kids I assume that a lot of that will be done without me. But when I come home, it's like maybe the barest of minimums got done and it's not enough for me.
I take care of the finances, making sure the bills are paid and we have enough in our account to survive. I take care of the grocery lists and the menus, which seems fairly easy, but not when the Dr has given you several restrictions so it makes for a harder time planning meals. Before working full time, I also made sure the house was clean, the laundry done, the kids fed, cleaned and taught what was right and played. I also wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself and my health since that seems to be something that is in question a lot lately and since we are wanting another baby it might just be the hardest thing I've had to work at yet. All that, with the kids and the errands, and school for Michael, and teaching Ammon, and then I would still work in the evenings, and sometimes I would pick up extra hours if they would let me to help bring in extra money. Then there are my responsibilities as a wife that I never feel like I am getting right and I'm not always sure how to fix it or make it better, even though I try really hard. I'm on so many medications for my health and also to try to get pregnant that it makes just surviving on a daily basis somewhat complicated and then cue the migraines that I get on a weekly basis, at least 3 times. My back is bad, I have PCOS, I have Hashimoto's disease and I'm tired ALL THE TIME!!!! But doing all that and working full time instead of just sometimes is really, REALLY hard for me!!!! But what I keep forgetting, perhaps on a daily basis, is that I'm not the only one in my family going through something incredibly hard.
I know that it's been hard for Matthew being a stay at home parent and feeling like he has the whole world on his shoulders in raising the kids and keeping a clean house. He also is supposed to be working out and eating right, and finishing his classes and then he wants to start a blog so he can try and earn some money until he gets his degree. And on top of that he is the DM (Dungeon Master) for 2-4 games on a weekly basis. Some he's at home for, some he's not. I think it's been overwhelming for him to try and figure out what I was doing, and me trying to figure out what he was doing and having to have the roles reversed. I feel like in the end it will be VERY worth the pain and issues, but sometimes the human part, the "natural man" gets the better of me and I complain and I make a total idiot of myself. Then I feel horrible and no matter how hard I try I'm never able to make things the way they were. I just feel like it would be SO much easier for Matthew to go and find another job and for me to quit and be home and then everything would run more smoothly, and I have 0 doubts that it would. However, I would have made the biggest mistake a wife could ever make. I would have taken away the opportunity for him to make his dreams come true. The opportunity to do for a living what he wants, not what he HAS to do in order to provide. I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him. He has been such a GOOD Father and husband and I just need to be able to take care of this on my own and not make an issue. So, why is this so hard?
While the sacrament was being passed in Sacrament Meeting today I had a thought. I was asking Heavenly Father to please help me feel better about this situation, and to help me through it. What could I do in order to make things better so I don't feel like this is so hard. And the answer was immediately resounding in my mind. "Stop complaining!". No matter how you feel, or how you think it's hard for you, just don't complain about it, and find another way to deal with the frustrations. Put the emotion into working out, or cleaning something in the house before leaving for work. Try to make life easier for Matthew so he can figure out this part of his life because when this part is over, we will all be the better for it.
So, this week I am going to focus on the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't. I am going to put my negativity away, and I am going to be grateful for something each and every day. I am going to write down what I"m grateful for and put it in a jar, and at the end of the year I will go through them and read them and see all the positive in my life instead of all the negative.
I take care of the finances, making sure the bills are paid and we have enough in our account to survive. I take care of the grocery lists and the menus, which seems fairly easy, but not when the Dr has given you several restrictions so it makes for a harder time planning meals. Before working full time, I also made sure the house was clean, the laundry done, the kids fed, cleaned and taught what was right and played. I also wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself and my health since that seems to be something that is in question a lot lately and since we are wanting another baby it might just be the hardest thing I've had to work at yet. All that, with the kids and the errands, and school for Michael, and teaching Ammon, and then I would still work in the evenings, and sometimes I would pick up extra hours if they would let me to help bring in extra money. Then there are my responsibilities as a wife that I never feel like I am getting right and I'm not always sure how to fix it or make it better, even though I try really hard. I'm on so many medications for my health and also to try to get pregnant that it makes just surviving on a daily basis somewhat complicated and then cue the migraines that I get on a weekly basis, at least 3 times. My back is bad, I have PCOS, I have Hashimoto's disease and I'm tired ALL THE TIME!!!! But doing all that and working full time instead of just sometimes is really, REALLY hard for me!!!! But what I keep forgetting, perhaps on a daily basis, is that I'm not the only one in my family going through something incredibly hard.
I know that it's been hard for Matthew being a stay at home parent and feeling like he has the whole world on his shoulders in raising the kids and keeping a clean house. He also is supposed to be working out and eating right, and finishing his classes and then he wants to start a blog so he can try and earn some money until he gets his degree. And on top of that he is the DM (Dungeon Master) for 2-4 games on a weekly basis. Some he's at home for, some he's not. I think it's been overwhelming for him to try and figure out what I was doing, and me trying to figure out what he was doing and having to have the roles reversed. I feel like in the end it will be VERY worth the pain and issues, but sometimes the human part, the "natural man" gets the better of me and I complain and I make a total idiot of myself. Then I feel horrible and no matter how hard I try I'm never able to make things the way they were. I just feel like it would be SO much easier for Matthew to go and find another job and for me to quit and be home and then everything would run more smoothly, and I have 0 doubts that it would. However, I would have made the biggest mistake a wife could ever make. I would have taken away the opportunity for him to make his dreams come true. The opportunity to do for a living what he wants, not what he HAS to do in order to provide. I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him. He has been such a GOOD Father and husband and I just need to be able to take care of this on my own and not make an issue. So, why is this so hard?
While the sacrament was being passed in Sacrament Meeting today I had a thought. I was asking Heavenly Father to please help me feel better about this situation, and to help me through it. What could I do in order to make things better so I don't feel like this is so hard. And the answer was immediately resounding in my mind. "Stop complaining!". No matter how you feel, or how you think it's hard for you, just don't complain about it, and find another way to deal with the frustrations. Put the emotion into working out, or cleaning something in the house before leaving for work. Try to make life easier for Matthew so he can figure out this part of his life because when this part is over, we will all be the better for it.
So, this week I am going to focus on the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't. I am going to put my negativity away, and I am going to be grateful for something each and every day. I am going to write down what I"m grateful for and put it in a jar, and at the end of the year I will go through them and read them and see all the positive in my life instead of all the negative.
Sunday, April 21, 2019
How the Atonement Has Changed My Life
Today with Matthew we prepared to teach about the Atonement in our 10 year old primary class. This is a topic that holds something special in my heart as it is the first thing I ever prayed about. It is the first real thing that I wanted to know, with a surety, for myself. I wanted to be able to teach it in a way that it would be memorable, and we probably were able to make that happen, even if it wasn't in the more spiritual way I was hoping for. Having only 20 or 25 minutes to teach about this is a challenge. But, that is why I was prompted to write something about this, for my own personal view and study of it.
I was in high school when I first started doubting that the gospel and what I was being taught in church was true. I had a friend that I spoke to often; he was part of a different religion and we used to talk a lot about the different views of each others beliefs. The more he spoke to me, the more sense it made that things really might work more the way he was telling me, not what I'd been taught my whole life. It was a turbulent time for me. I felt I needed to defend the church and the gospel from what he was saying, while at the same time I was thinking I could be wrong. I could be telling him something that is completely wrong and I needed to know, without a doubt, what was right.
I studied during that time a lot. I studied a lot of the Old and New Testaments, and I was studying things that would refute what he was telling me was wrong with the Church of Jesus Christ. He wouldn't accept anything from the Book of Mormon, because he didn't believe in it, and I was bound and determined to defend my religious beliefs from out of those books if that's all that he would believe and understand. One day however, I came to the understanding that if I was ever to get an answer for myself, then I needed to take the challenge seriously, and I needed to follow Moroni's challenge and promise found in Moroni 10: 3-5. So, I decided to do just that.
I figured I was already doing the studying part. So I started praying, fervently, for the answer to my prayers. I was asking if everything I was taught my whole life was true. Did Christ really die for me? Was He really the Son of God? Was I following Him as I should be, or should I be doing that from another religion? One of the topics that was discussed the most was the topic of Jesus Christ being Jehovah of the Old Testament, or whether he was just a prophet who did amazing things in God's name in the New Testament. I received a very bold and straightforward answer from my Heavenly Father that what I was taught from my infancy was true. I won't go into detail about that dream, because it's deeply personal to me and I don't feel this is the proper place to talk about it, however I didn't need to wonder any longer. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is the most central thing in the gospel. Without it, none of the rest of this is even worth going through, because it wouldn't be possible to even make it through without it. As I've grown and learned more about the Atonement and what it means in the gospel, it has taken on new meanings for me as well. I have learned new and interesting aspects that I never saw before, and I understand more than I ever thought possible. That is simply because, in utilizing the Atonement appropriately, it has helped me see and grow in understanding of the gospel and how the plan actually works.
I keep thinking of the Kevin Bacon game. You name something, and then keep naming things that pertain to that subject until you can link it back to Kevin Bacon. I believe the same could be applied to the Atonement of Christ. Choose any gospel topic or issue, and you can relate it all the way back to the Atonement. It is the greatest act of love and selflessness the world has ever known and without it, there would be nothing. There would be no hope; hope of a brighter future, hope of overcoming sin, hope of overcoming death, nothing. There would be no hope of being able to live with our families again or being able to live in the Celestial Kingdom in the next life.
There are a couple of things that I was taught about the Atonement that I have never forgotten. I don't recall if I heard these in conference, or a seminary class but I know they changed my life. One of those things is that, if we sin intentionally, it causes Christ more pain, more anguish, more suffering for which I can't ever repay Him. I don't have to choose to make bad choices, I can do my best to make right choices so I don't cause Him more of those awful and horrible experiences. It also is a mockery of the Atonement, and even though we can repent in this life because of Christ's selflessness, if we are intentionally doing things and then saying we will repent later, that will not be tolerated at all by God at judgement. That becomes a piece of what is in our hearts, and if our hearts are deceitful God will see through that and that sacrifice may not apply to us then. For how we live on this earth, how we think, that is how we'll be in the next life, so we want to make sure that our intentions are pure and honest and heartfelt.
One of the other things that I was taught concerning the Atonement that I've remembered is that if Christ hadn't made that sacrifice for us, if he hadn't gone through all the pain, and sorrow, and feelings of betrayal and loneliness, then for each sin I would have to suffer as well. This hit me especially hard after I gained my testimony of the Atonement through a dream. It reminds me of the story of Alma the younger, and he was struck dumb for 2 days and 2 nights, and on the 3rd day he was given strength back in his body and he told everyone there of how he had spent the time repenting, nigh unto death. He suffered some SMALL amount in the way that Christ suffered for our sins. The dream I had drove this home, and I have never EVER forgotten that. While I was teaching this to my class today one of the girls asked if we just stood still, stayed in one place the whole time we're here on earth with just eating and drinking if that would solve our problem. I told her no, because in the D&C we learn that he who must be commanded in all things is a slothful servant, and we need to be anxiously engaged in a good cause. We can't just live in a bubble and hope to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. We needs works, acts of faith, learning about the different emotions and how to handle those emotions in a health and appropriate way. We need experience, and we need to know the difference between right and wrong and we learn that through opposition. So, even though it would just be easier, we need to go through all life gives us, the good AND the bad.
Something that helps me keep things in perspective in a world that's always throwing things at us and wants us to get caught up in the monotony of it all is all that Christ went through. I know that we don't focus on the death of Christ. That isn't NEARLY as important as remembering that He was resurrected and because of this, we will also be resurrected and will live again, forever. He overcame death in this way, and now he can be our mediator so we can have that same gift. But all that He went through is what keeps things in perspective for me. Following the timeline of what happened from the time he came back into Jerusalem and held the last supper. He washed the feet of his disciples and taught them of service and things they needed to know before He had to suffer for THEIR shortcomings. Then He went to the Garden. He asked them to please watch and pray, and then HE went to pray. That is most certainly a great example of how prayer can change someones life, or in this case, the lives of everyone who ever lived, and who ever will live on this earth. He went through so much, exhausted and drained physically and emotionally. Even an angel was sent to uphold Him during this time. He went back out to the apostles and they were sleeping. If I was doing something SO painful and life changing as this for someone, I'd be a little offended and upset that my friends had fallen asleep. They couldn't even pray for me while I was suffering for all of their sins and sorrows. He wasn't like that. He just woke them, and asked them again to watch and pray and went back into the garden to pray and go through more pain to pay for all that we needed from Him.
He was betrayed, by one who claimed to love him, yet it seemed he loved money more than his Master. Judas spent every day with the Savior. He saw Him perform miracles and raise the dead. He heard him speak, and listened to the gospel at every turn. And yet he sought out to betray Him. Even though it was hard for Christ to go through, I know that He understands how that feels, and that has given me great comfort in my life when I've felt betrayed. He was up all night, on trial at Caiaphas's house. Even though it was illegal for them to be doing that, and the way they went about it was against their own laws, they did it. Once they came to their decision, he was taken to the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, and he was put on trial again. Pilate found Christ to be innocent, and knowing that it was the tradition of the Jews to forgive one criminal over the passover, he gave them a chance to save Christ. He gave them a choice between Him and Barabbas, the seditionist and murderer. They decided to let the murderer go free and punish Christ instead! So, Pilate told him to go and they would inflict 40 lashes upon him.
They used a cat of nine tails. The put a crown of thorns on his head to mock him and they watched as he received this punishment. His skin torn and hanging from his body and he still moved ever forward. Never complaining, never stopping, Christ went back and they wanted Him crucified. So, after all the pain of Gethsemane, after all the pain of being flogged, and after all the emotional and physical things he'd gone through, he still had more to go. He had to carry the crossbeam he was to be nailed to up to the hill to be essentially tortured to death. He couldn't even make it that far. They had someone else carry the beam the rest of the way, Simon. There is a beautiful song written about Simon and how he felt about carrying the cross beam for Christ to be killed.
He was layed down on the cross and not just tied to it, like the 2 thieves that were there to die next to Him; He was nailed to it. And because they were worried about his weight pulling through the nails, they also put nails into his wrists. He was put up with a sign saying he was the King of the Jews and then he suffered there, some more, for several hours. Crucifixion is a terrible way to be killed. It is a slow and torturous way to suffocate someone. I can't imagine having to go through all the things that Christ did, and at this point, before He could give up the ghost, He was even meant to know what it was like to be alone, with no one. He had the spirit and His father with Him throughout His whole life, and at this crucial juncture, when you would want your Dad the most, He wasn't there. He needed to know what that was like so He could succor us at times when we feel completely and utterly alone. I am so grateful for this part of the Savior's sacrifice, because I know truly and well what it's like to feel completely and utterly alone, with no one there to feel you can trust or hold onto to help you through life's trial.
Christ still showed such great love and compassion while suffering in this way. He asks the Father to forgive the Romans, for they know not what they do. I have a hard time forgiving sometimes. But if Christ was able to forgive the people who were torturing and killing Him, why can't I? I'm sure it was a great relief to Him when He could finally be done, and died. A lot of people feel that way. Ones that suffer through mental illnesses and other trials in life sometimes feel like it's not worth living and that it will all stop once you're gone. Christ suffered like no one has suffered. And yet it did still leave a print on those He left behind. So if nothing else, Christ understands what it feels like to be at your limit and feel like you can't go any longer, and yet He did. He kept going and only gave it up when it was done so we all could have power over death. He will understand those people and be able to help them when they need it as well, and in a way that is far more empathetic than most people.
Sometimes life is hard, and it becomes almost too much to bear. I have utilized the power of the Savior's atonement many times throughout my life. The relationships with my family members, with the family I married into, when I was trying to have children, when I was learning to be a mother, death, feeling completely and totally inadequate in everything I do in all aspects of my life, and trials in motherhood and marriage to name just a very few.
I know without any doubt in my mind that Jesus is the Christ. He came here, and lived a perfect life. He KNOWINGLY came here, and suffered for my sins, my pains, my sorrows, my everything. He went through so much and gave me a perfect example of how I should live. He understands me when no one else does. I will be forever grateful for those days in high school that made me wonder, that made me doubt. I'm so grateful that I made the choice to know for myself and gain that testimony. It is priceless, and I continue to treasure that for forever.
HE IS RISEN!!!!
I was in high school when I first started doubting that the gospel and what I was being taught in church was true. I had a friend that I spoke to often; he was part of a different religion and we used to talk a lot about the different views of each others beliefs. The more he spoke to me, the more sense it made that things really might work more the way he was telling me, not what I'd been taught my whole life. It was a turbulent time for me. I felt I needed to defend the church and the gospel from what he was saying, while at the same time I was thinking I could be wrong. I could be telling him something that is completely wrong and I needed to know, without a doubt, what was right.
I studied during that time a lot. I studied a lot of the Old and New Testaments, and I was studying things that would refute what he was telling me was wrong with the Church of Jesus Christ. He wouldn't accept anything from the Book of Mormon, because he didn't believe in it, and I was bound and determined to defend my religious beliefs from out of those books if that's all that he would believe and understand. One day however, I came to the understanding that if I was ever to get an answer for myself, then I needed to take the challenge seriously, and I needed to follow Moroni's challenge and promise found in Moroni 10: 3-5. So, I decided to do just that.
I figured I was already doing the studying part. So I started praying, fervently, for the answer to my prayers. I was asking if everything I was taught my whole life was true. Did Christ really die for me? Was He really the Son of God? Was I following Him as I should be, or should I be doing that from another religion? One of the topics that was discussed the most was the topic of Jesus Christ being Jehovah of the Old Testament, or whether he was just a prophet who did amazing things in God's name in the New Testament. I received a very bold and straightforward answer from my Heavenly Father that what I was taught from my infancy was true. I won't go into detail about that dream, because it's deeply personal to me and I don't feel this is the proper place to talk about it, however I didn't need to wonder any longer. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is the most central thing in the gospel. Without it, none of the rest of this is even worth going through, because it wouldn't be possible to even make it through without it. As I've grown and learned more about the Atonement and what it means in the gospel, it has taken on new meanings for me as well. I have learned new and interesting aspects that I never saw before, and I understand more than I ever thought possible. That is simply because, in utilizing the Atonement appropriately, it has helped me see and grow in understanding of the gospel and how the plan actually works.
I keep thinking of the Kevin Bacon game. You name something, and then keep naming things that pertain to that subject until you can link it back to Kevin Bacon. I believe the same could be applied to the Atonement of Christ. Choose any gospel topic or issue, and you can relate it all the way back to the Atonement. It is the greatest act of love and selflessness the world has ever known and without it, there would be nothing. There would be no hope; hope of a brighter future, hope of overcoming sin, hope of overcoming death, nothing. There would be no hope of being able to live with our families again or being able to live in the Celestial Kingdom in the next life.
There are a couple of things that I was taught about the Atonement that I have never forgotten. I don't recall if I heard these in conference, or a seminary class but I know they changed my life. One of those things is that, if we sin intentionally, it causes Christ more pain, more anguish, more suffering for which I can't ever repay Him. I don't have to choose to make bad choices, I can do my best to make right choices so I don't cause Him more of those awful and horrible experiences. It also is a mockery of the Atonement, and even though we can repent in this life because of Christ's selflessness, if we are intentionally doing things and then saying we will repent later, that will not be tolerated at all by God at judgement. That becomes a piece of what is in our hearts, and if our hearts are deceitful God will see through that and that sacrifice may not apply to us then. For how we live on this earth, how we think, that is how we'll be in the next life, so we want to make sure that our intentions are pure and honest and heartfelt.
One of the other things that I was taught concerning the Atonement that I've remembered is that if Christ hadn't made that sacrifice for us, if he hadn't gone through all the pain, and sorrow, and feelings of betrayal and loneliness, then for each sin I would have to suffer as well. This hit me especially hard after I gained my testimony of the Atonement through a dream. It reminds me of the story of Alma the younger, and he was struck dumb for 2 days and 2 nights, and on the 3rd day he was given strength back in his body and he told everyone there of how he had spent the time repenting, nigh unto death. He suffered some SMALL amount in the way that Christ suffered for our sins. The dream I had drove this home, and I have never EVER forgotten that. While I was teaching this to my class today one of the girls asked if we just stood still, stayed in one place the whole time we're here on earth with just eating and drinking if that would solve our problem. I told her no, because in the D&C we learn that he who must be commanded in all things is a slothful servant, and we need to be anxiously engaged in a good cause. We can't just live in a bubble and hope to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. We needs works, acts of faith, learning about the different emotions and how to handle those emotions in a health and appropriate way. We need experience, and we need to know the difference between right and wrong and we learn that through opposition. So, even though it would just be easier, we need to go through all life gives us, the good AND the bad.
Something that helps me keep things in perspective in a world that's always throwing things at us and wants us to get caught up in the monotony of it all is all that Christ went through. I know that we don't focus on the death of Christ. That isn't NEARLY as important as remembering that He was resurrected and because of this, we will also be resurrected and will live again, forever. He overcame death in this way, and now he can be our mediator so we can have that same gift. But all that He went through is what keeps things in perspective for me. Following the timeline of what happened from the time he came back into Jerusalem and held the last supper. He washed the feet of his disciples and taught them of service and things they needed to know before He had to suffer for THEIR shortcomings. Then He went to the Garden. He asked them to please watch and pray, and then HE went to pray. That is most certainly a great example of how prayer can change someones life, or in this case, the lives of everyone who ever lived, and who ever will live on this earth. He went through so much, exhausted and drained physically and emotionally. Even an angel was sent to uphold Him during this time. He went back out to the apostles and they were sleeping. If I was doing something SO painful and life changing as this for someone, I'd be a little offended and upset that my friends had fallen asleep. They couldn't even pray for me while I was suffering for all of their sins and sorrows. He wasn't like that. He just woke them, and asked them again to watch and pray and went back into the garden to pray and go through more pain to pay for all that we needed from Him.
He was betrayed, by one who claimed to love him, yet it seemed he loved money more than his Master. Judas spent every day with the Savior. He saw Him perform miracles and raise the dead. He heard him speak, and listened to the gospel at every turn. And yet he sought out to betray Him. Even though it was hard for Christ to go through, I know that He understands how that feels, and that has given me great comfort in my life when I've felt betrayed. He was up all night, on trial at Caiaphas's house. Even though it was illegal for them to be doing that, and the way they went about it was against their own laws, they did it. Once they came to their decision, he was taken to the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, and he was put on trial again. Pilate found Christ to be innocent, and knowing that it was the tradition of the Jews to forgive one criminal over the passover, he gave them a chance to save Christ. He gave them a choice between Him and Barabbas, the seditionist and murderer. They decided to let the murderer go free and punish Christ instead! So, Pilate told him to go and they would inflict 40 lashes upon him.
They used a cat of nine tails. The put a crown of thorns on his head to mock him and they watched as he received this punishment. His skin torn and hanging from his body and he still moved ever forward. Never complaining, never stopping, Christ went back and they wanted Him crucified. So, after all the pain of Gethsemane, after all the pain of being flogged, and after all the emotional and physical things he'd gone through, he still had more to go. He had to carry the crossbeam he was to be nailed to up to the hill to be essentially tortured to death. He couldn't even make it that far. They had someone else carry the beam the rest of the way, Simon. There is a beautiful song written about Simon and how he felt about carrying the cross beam for Christ to be killed.
He was layed down on the cross and not just tied to it, like the 2 thieves that were there to die next to Him; He was nailed to it. And because they were worried about his weight pulling through the nails, they also put nails into his wrists. He was put up with a sign saying he was the King of the Jews and then he suffered there, some more, for several hours. Crucifixion is a terrible way to be killed. It is a slow and torturous way to suffocate someone. I can't imagine having to go through all the things that Christ did, and at this point, before He could give up the ghost, He was even meant to know what it was like to be alone, with no one. He had the spirit and His father with Him throughout His whole life, and at this crucial juncture, when you would want your Dad the most, He wasn't there. He needed to know what that was like so He could succor us at times when we feel completely and utterly alone. I am so grateful for this part of the Savior's sacrifice, because I know truly and well what it's like to feel completely and utterly alone, with no one there to feel you can trust or hold onto to help you through life's trial.
Christ still showed such great love and compassion while suffering in this way. He asks the Father to forgive the Romans, for they know not what they do. I have a hard time forgiving sometimes. But if Christ was able to forgive the people who were torturing and killing Him, why can't I? I'm sure it was a great relief to Him when He could finally be done, and died. A lot of people feel that way. Ones that suffer through mental illnesses and other trials in life sometimes feel like it's not worth living and that it will all stop once you're gone. Christ suffered like no one has suffered. And yet it did still leave a print on those He left behind. So if nothing else, Christ understands what it feels like to be at your limit and feel like you can't go any longer, and yet He did. He kept going and only gave it up when it was done so we all could have power over death. He will understand those people and be able to help them when they need it as well, and in a way that is far more empathetic than most people.
Sometimes life is hard, and it becomes almost too much to bear. I have utilized the power of the Savior's atonement many times throughout my life. The relationships with my family members, with the family I married into, when I was trying to have children, when I was learning to be a mother, death, feeling completely and totally inadequate in everything I do in all aspects of my life, and trials in motherhood and marriage to name just a very few.
I know without any doubt in my mind that Jesus is the Christ. He came here, and lived a perfect life. He KNOWINGLY came here, and suffered for my sins, my pains, my sorrows, my everything. He went through so much and gave me a perfect example of how I should live. He understands me when no one else does. I will be forever grateful for those days in high school that made me wonder, that made me doubt. I'm so grateful that I made the choice to know for myself and gain that testimony. It is priceless, and I continue to treasure that for forever.
HE IS RISEN!!!!
Keeping Yourself while being a wife and mother
Dang is it a struggle to keep being myself and keep pursuing my personal goals in the midst of it all.
I have been married about 10.5 years now. I have learned a lot over those years and have learned some things about myself. Learned some misconceptions I had about growing up, what that really means, the sacrifices that are made, and what you end up coming out looking like. I don't mean looking like, as in, just my looks. I mean the way I am, my personality, my good, my bad, my ugly, and the beautiful. The things that matter to me, the things that make me irreplaceable-y me.
Growing up the things that were most important to me, that defined me, are very different than what they are today. However, I thought those things that I grew up with were going to be the things that I ALWAYS had with me. Things that I would always be good at and people would look at me and be like, "yep, that's totally Priscilla". The things that make me feel like, well, me!!
GROWING UP
I was a hard worker. I learned from a really young age that helping my mom keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids, learning to cook, all those things were things that I felt like were great qualities about me. My mother always called me her little helper and she always would leave me in charge because she trusted me. I always wanted to make her proud and I figured the best way to get some attention in a REALLY big family was to be my mother's right hand daughter. I also felt it was my duty to some extent because I was also the OLDEST daughter.
I LOVED dancing. I feel like dancing is a part of my that will never, EVER go away. It came easy to me, naturally. It made me feel good physically and helped me to stay in shape for a number of years. It taught me how to be graceful, taught me how to have control of my muscles and my body. It was so filled with emotion that you don't have to actually vocalize to anyone that it was the best way to get my feelings across and feel free! There is just nothing like being able to dance and go with the flow of the music. Learning new things, being flexible, and learning to dance with a team. Competing was amazing, and I'll never be able to fully describe the full depth of feeling I have for dancing. I think in a way, it helped me to overcome some of my introverted and shy nature as a kid.
Piano and music are something that are part of who I am. The things they have taught me and how the music can take over me, teach me, give me a sense of feeling that you can't get any other way. I have always loved singing and playing the piano. My singing voice isn't that great, but I have learned that doesn't matter so much as trying to improve. I only spent 1 year learning to play the piano. That's not a lot of time, but it was enough that I learned how to read music. If you can read music, you can do anything! My parents couldn't afford to do a lot of lessons, and the year that I had piano I wasn't very good at practicing. So, they told me no more lessons since I wasn't practicing, and I wasn't really keen on moving forward with it anyhow. After a couple of years though I felt bad. My mother really did want me to learn to be a pianist, so I decided to put to good use the information that I DID get from piano lessons and I taught myself how to play. I can't say I'm super great, but it's enough to sing at home and to play at church if needed. It helps me to get out some of my pain and sadness. Playing puts me in a place all it's own. It's very freeing. I know that I was annoying to my family growing up because I would practice a piece over and over until I got it down well, with no mistakes. So, they may not feel the same way as I do about it, but I LOVE it. It helps me to re-focus myself on things that actually need my attention. Gives me a way to decompress and de-stress as well. Singing, as I said earlier, isn't one of my better talents, but being married to Matthew has certainly helped it. I took some lessons while he was on his mission and after we were married Matthew was part of an a capella group at BYU. I learned a lot from that, even though I wasn't in the group. It made me more confident in myself and my ability to make up parts to go along with a song.
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
These are the things that I consistently link with who I am. It probably sounds weird but there it is. After seeing it in type, it doesn't seem like that much or even a big deal, but those things were my whole life. They were everything that I thought made me have worth in anyone's eyes and without them I didn't know really what or who I was.
I also thought there would be certain things that I accomplished in my life. This is how I thought my life would go: I would grow up and serve a mission. I might do college, but wasn't sure what I would even study because the only thing I was interested in was Dancing and I didn't know how to make a good career out of it. It's hard to become a dancer and keep your standards also. So I floated through school telling my counselor's that I wanted to be a dancer. I figured that I would just find some job that would be enough and I would serve several missions and die an old maid, which I was fine with. Then after a few years and turning into a teenager I decided that I wanted to get married, but I didn't think that would happen for a LONG time. I was certain that I would get out of high school, serve a mission or 2, and then when I was around 30 I would find someone to marry. I didn't think guys in high school were even worth going after, so I'd need to wait until they were back from a mission. How I was going to meet them in a small town and not going to college didn't really cross my mind. But, I was content with the idea. I vaguely remembered that my patriarchal blessing talked about getting married, but I didn't remember it saying in this life. If I died an old maid I was going to see if one of the stripling warriors was available on the other side.
I met my husband on the first day of school my senior year, and I didn't really know it then, but that day changed my life forever. Ever since then we have always been best friends. We both served missions and got married, and then moved to Provo for him to finish school. I learned a lot about myself then. I didn't even blink in the face of moving somewhere farther from home than anyone else in my immediate family. I had a solid job, was offered a bunch more money to stay on and be a manager, which I turned down. I was free to play the piano whenever I wanted and I was taking dance classes for adults which was amazing! They are really hard to find, actually. So, when I moved to Provo I didn't know just what I was giving up. I thought for sure things would be as follows:
Matthew would finish his degree, I would get to go to school and do dance education. I wanted to have my own dance studio. We would have children, buy a house and he would be a seminary teacher and I would be a dance teacher and all would be well. However, that's not exactly how life went for us. After a few years of doing school Matthew ended up needing to take a break, and because of that he didn't have a job, so he applied for one he said he'd NEVER work at to make sure he could take care of us. About a year and 9 months into our marriage we received inspiration from Heavenly Father that we were to start trying to start a family. So, over the course of time Matthew was in school and I was working a full time job to support us I was also trying to get pregnant, and that was one of the hardest trials of my life. My plans changed infinitely, but I still didn't really realize what I was giving up in order to become a mother. I didn't really understand what I had given up and sacrificed to be a wife, and I didn't understand how different my life had become, and the things I had thought when I was younger were moving farther and farther away. I was more focused on what was in front of me to look back too far. I didn't really miss those things at first, but as time wore on, and as things started settling down into a rhythm I started to see things differently. I started to see that I wasn't playing the piano. It has been years since I've seriously sit down to play. I don't know if I could even play well if I tried. I haven't danced in EVEN LONGER. I lost that part of my weekly grind when I moved to Provo. There aren't any studios that I've ever found that teach an adult class of tap or jazz or something. It's been a point of sadness for me for a couple years now. Music has still been a huge part of my life because of the A Capella club and Matthew's group he belonged to for a while. I actually made one of my best friends ever because of that group, so I'll always be so grateful for that. I gave up a lot of my former self to become a wife and mother, and for the longest time I was sad about it. I don't WANT to give up on the things that I love. I have felt that, although I love them now and I am definitely NOT sad that I do them, my husband's interests and things he wants to do are a HUGE part of my life, while the things that I find to be more my things, the things that make me feel like Person Priscilla instead of Wife Priscilla or Momma Priscilla, haven't been a big part of my life almost since I got married. Matthew is very supportive, and he would NEVER tell me that I couldn't do things I wanted to. It's just finding a place to do them, and not feeling selfish or like I'm making things hard on the family if I do.
I've also realized that the things I would call talents, the things that I told myself over and over I'm good at and will help so many people, actually aren't viable talents in the world today. I don't have a secondary education at a college, I'm not exactly creative and have lots of abilities that help me get better jobs. Matthew does. I haven't always had a way to make friends, and when I put myself out there, more often than not I'm ignored or pushed aside, and all I've wanted is a friend, someone to understand me and what I'm going through. Someone I can talk to, who can be there for me, and I can be all those things for them as well. The one person I found moved back home, out of state, and I found myself alone. So, things had to evolve. I had to keep pushing forward and finding things about myself that are still uniquely "Person Priscilla". I have found that I'm a great worker. That hasn't changed over the years. I've pushed myself, and hold myself to a schedule. Have I had to learn how to be more flexible with the schedule and not get upset at myself or circumstances that make it impossible sometimes for me to get everything done I wanted? Of course I have! I feel like I've learned so much over the last 10+ years of my marriage. How I deal with situations, the things that are really important to me, the people that I associate with and I keep in my life. I've learned about loss, I've learned about my health and the importance of it. I've learned about how important it is, no matter how strong your marriage is, to keep on trying harder and harder every day. I've learned patience, in everyday life and in difficult and painful situations. I've learned how to get over other people's expectations of me and just look at the expectations I hold myself to and Heavenly Father has of me. Those are the only 2 that really matter. And that of the family I'm raising. And even then, I know they won't always like me or like what I do, but I will still do right by them because one day it will all pay off and have been worth it.
Something I am just realizing right now, as I write this, is that the talents that I had before aren't the same as the ones I'm trying to collect now. And the ones I'm trying to collect now are FAR more important. I want to be like the wives of the general authorities and be amazing. I want to be patient, loving, kind, diligent, and non-judgmental. I want to help people see the best in themselves and serve until I die. I want to be the person that helps those who have lost the way, because believe it or not, I've been there. And I've had some amazing spiritual experiences that have helped me shape who I am and who I will need to be in the future for my husband, my children, and any of the people I come in contact with that the Lord has in store for me. Do I still wish I had some of those original things at my disposal? Of course, and I will probably still try to get those things in my life in some way. However, I'm very glad and grateful for the things that I have now, and that they are helping me to be a better person so I can teach my kids important things, not just be someone important in the world. I want to be able to be with my family forever, and that's WAY more important than having all the talents and dreams that this world deems as being successful. I've only added to myself, not subtracted by doing the things that were right in front of me, the things that the Lord saw fit to give me to handle. I'm hoping He's proud of the way I've handled them for the most part. I know that I'm still imperfect, and I still have a lot to learn, but I'm still holding strong to my beliefs and moving forward.
I have been married about 10.5 years now. I have learned a lot over those years and have learned some things about myself. Learned some misconceptions I had about growing up, what that really means, the sacrifices that are made, and what you end up coming out looking like. I don't mean looking like, as in, just my looks. I mean the way I am, my personality, my good, my bad, my ugly, and the beautiful. The things that matter to me, the things that make me irreplaceable-y me.
Growing up the things that were most important to me, that defined me, are very different than what they are today. However, I thought those things that I grew up with were going to be the things that I ALWAYS had with me. Things that I would always be good at and people would look at me and be like, "yep, that's totally Priscilla". The things that make me feel like, well, me!!
GROWING UP
I was a hard worker. I learned from a really young age that helping my mom keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids, learning to cook, all those things were things that I felt like were great qualities about me. My mother always called me her little helper and she always would leave me in charge because she trusted me. I always wanted to make her proud and I figured the best way to get some attention in a REALLY big family was to be my mother's right hand daughter. I also felt it was my duty to some extent because I was also the OLDEST daughter.
I LOVED dancing. I feel like dancing is a part of my that will never, EVER go away. It came easy to me, naturally. It made me feel good physically and helped me to stay in shape for a number of years. It taught me how to be graceful, taught me how to have control of my muscles and my body. It was so filled with emotion that you don't have to actually vocalize to anyone that it was the best way to get my feelings across and feel free! There is just nothing like being able to dance and go with the flow of the music. Learning new things, being flexible, and learning to dance with a team. Competing was amazing, and I'll never be able to fully describe the full depth of feeling I have for dancing. I think in a way, it helped me to overcome some of my introverted and shy nature as a kid.
Piano and music are something that are part of who I am. The things they have taught me and how the music can take over me, teach me, give me a sense of feeling that you can't get any other way. I have always loved singing and playing the piano. My singing voice isn't that great, but I have learned that doesn't matter so much as trying to improve. I only spent 1 year learning to play the piano. That's not a lot of time, but it was enough that I learned how to read music. If you can read music, you can do anything! My parents couldn't afford to do a lot of lessons, and the year that I had piano I wasn't very good at practicing. So, they told me no more lessons since I wasn't practicing, and I wasn't really keen on moving forward with it anyhow. After a couple of years though I felt bad. My mother really did want me to learn to be a pianist, so I decided to put to good use the information that I DID get from piano lessons and I taught myself how to play. I can't say I'm super great, but it's enough to sing at home and to play at church if needed. It helps me to get out some of my pain and sadness. Playing puts me in a place all it's own. It's very freeing. I know that I was annoying to my family growing up because I would practice a piece over and over until I got it down well, with no mistakes. So, they may not feel the same way as I do about it, but I LOVE it. It helps me to re-focus myself on things that actually need my attention. Gives me a way to decompress and de-stress as well. Singing, as I said earlier, isn't one of my better talents, but being married to Matthew has certainly helped it. I took some lessons while he was on his mission and after we were married Matthew was part of an a capella group at BYU. I learned a lot from that, even though I wasn't in the group. It made me more confident in myself and my ability to make up parts to go along with a song.
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
These are the things that I consistently link with who I am. It probably sounds weird but there it is. After seeing it in type, it doesn't seem like that much or even a big deal, but those things were my whole life. They were everything that I thought made me have worth in anyone's eyes and without them I didn't know really what or who I was.
I also thought there would be certain things that I accomplished in my life. This is how I thought my life would go: I would grow up and serve a mission. I might do college, but wasn't sure what I would even study because the only thing I was interested in was Dancing and I didn't know how to make a good career out of it. It's hard to become a dancer and keep your standards also. So I floated through school telling my counselor's that I wanted to be a dancer. I figured that I would just find some job that would be enough and I would serve several missions and die an old maid, which I was fine with. Then after a few years and turning into a teenager I decided that I wanted to get married, but I didn't think that would happen for a LONG time. I was certain that I would get out of high school, serve a mission or 2, and then when I was around 30 I would find someone to marry. I didn't think guys in high school were even worth going after, so I'd need to wait until they were back from a mission. How I was going to meet them in a small town and not going to college didn't really cross my mind. But, I was content with the idea. I vaguely remembered that my patriarchal blessing talked about getting married, but I didn't remember it saying in this life. If I died an old maid I was going to see if one of the stripling warriors was available on the other side.
I met my husband on the first day of school my senior year, and I didn't really know it then, but that day changed my life forever. Ever since then we have always been best friends. We both served missions and got married, and then moved to Provo for him to finish school. I learned a lot about myself then. I didn't even blink in the face of moving somewhere farther from home than anyone else in my immediate family. I had a solid job, was offered a bunch more money to stay on and be a manager, which I turned down. I was free to play the piano whenever I wanted and I was taking dance classes for adults which was amazing! They are really hard to find, actually. So, when I moved to Provo I didn't know just what I was giving up. I thought for sure things would be as follows:
Matthew would finish his degree, I would get to go to school and do dance education. I wanted to have my own dance studio. We would have children, buy a house and he would be a seminary teacher and I would be a dance teacher and all would be well. However, that's not exactly how life went for us. After a few years of doing school Matthew ended up needing to take a break, and because of that he didn't have a job, so he applied for one he said he'd NEVER work at to make sure he could take care of us. About a year and 9 months into our marriage we received inspiration from Heavenly Father that we were to start trying to start a family. So, over the course of time Matthew was in school and I was working a full time job to support us I was also trying to get pregnant, and that was one of the hardest trials of my life. My plans changed infinitely, but I still didn't really realize what I was giving up in order to become a mother. I didn't really understand what I had given up and sacrificed to be a wife, and I didn't understand how different my life had become, and the things I had thought when I was younger were moving farther and farther away. I was more focused on what was in front of me to look back too far. I didn't really miss those things at first, but as time wore on, and as things started settling down into a rhythm I started to see things differently. I started to see that I wasn't playing the piano. It has been years since I've seriously sit down to play. I don't know if I could even play well if I tried. I haven't danced in EVEN LONGER. I lost that part of my weekly grind when I moved to Provo. There aren't any studios that I've ever found that teach an adult class of tap or jazz or something. It's been a point of sadness for me for a couple years now. Music has still been a huge part of my life because of the A Capella club and Matthew's group he belonged to for a while. I actually made one of my best friends ever because of that group, so I'll always be so grateful for that. I gave up a lot of my former self to become a wife and mother, and for the longest time I was sad about it. I don't WANT to give up on the things that I love. I have felt that, although I love them now and I am definitely NOT sad that I do them, my husband's interests and things he wants to do are a HUGE part of my life, while the things that I find to be more my things, the things that make me feel like Person Priscilla instead of Wife Priscilla or Momma Priscilla, haven't been a big part of my life almost since I got married. Matthew is very supportive, and he would NEVER tell me that I couldn't do things I wanted to. It's just finding a place to do them, and not feeling selfish or like I'm making things hard on the family if I do.
I've also realized that the things I would call talents, the things that I told myself over and over I'm good at and will help so many people, actually aren't viable talents in the world today. I don't have a secondary education at a college, I'm not exactly creative and have lots of abilities that help me get better jobs. Matthew does. I haven't always had a way to make friends, and when I put myself out there, more often than not I'm ignored or pushed aside, and all I've wanted is a friend, someone to understand me and what I'm going through. Someone I can talk to, who can be there for me, and I can be all those things for them as well. The one person I found moved back home, out of state, and I found myself alone. So, things had to evolve. I had to keep pushing forward and finding things about myself that are still uniquely "Person Priscilla". I have found that I'm a great worker. That hasn't changed over the years. I've pushed myself, and hold myself to a schedule. Have I had to learn how to be more flexible with the schedule and not get upset at myself or circumstances that make it impossible sometimes for me to get everything done I wanted? Of course I have! I feel like I've learned so much over the last 10+ years of my marriage. How I deal with situations, the things that are really important to me, the people that I associate with and I keep in my life. I've learned about loss, I've learned about my health and the importance of it. I've learned about how important it is, no matter how strong your marriage is, to keep on trying harder and harder every day. I've learned patience, in everyday life and in difficult and painful situations. I've learned how to get over other people's expectations of me and just look at the expectations I hold myself to and Heavenly Father has of me. Those are the only 2 that really matter. And that of the family I'm raising. And even then, I know they won't always like me or like what I do, but I will still do right by them because one day it will all pay off and have been worth it.
Something I am just realizing right now, as I write this, is that the talents that I had before aren't the same as the ones I'm trying to collect now. And the ones I'm trying to collect now are FAR more important. I want to be like the wives of the general authorities and be amazing. I want to be patient, loving, kind, diligent, and non-judgmental. I want to help people see the best in themselves and serve until I die. I want to be the person that helps those who have lost the way, because believe it or not, I've been there. And I've had some amazing spiritual experiences that have helped me shape who I am and who I will need to be in the future for my husband, my children, and any of the people I come in contact with that the Lord has in store for me. Do I still wish I had some of those original things at my disposal? Of course, and I will probably still try to get those things in my life in some way. However, I'm very glad and grateful for the things that I have now, and that they are helping me to be a better person so I can teach my kids important things, not just be someone important in the world. I want to be able to be with my family forever, and that's WAY more important than having all the talents and dreams that this world deems as being successful. I've only added to myself, not subtracted by doing the things that were right in front of me, the things that the Lord saw fit to give me to handle. I'm hoping He's proud of the way I've handled them for the most part. I know that I'm still imperfect, and I still have a lot to learn, but I'm still holding strong to my beliefs and moving forward.
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