I have been thinking lately just how hard it is for me now that I'm the only provider for my family. It's been several months since Matthew was laid off from his job, and we have been doing ok, but it is often hard for me to make myself work full time every day and miss the things that I feel are more important for me to be doing. Not that providing for my family isn't important. I am so happy that I have a good status at my current job, and benefits, and that everything is going smoothly. I even like my job, which is more than I can say for most people. However, it's just hard when you see so much that needs to be done, and you feel it's your responsibility to do it all, and it just isn't getting done. It's hard to feel like the time I spend at work is worth it when all I want to do is be home and do the things I find most worthwhile. Like keeping a clean house, spending time with my kids, taking care of the menus, grocery shopping, events, play dates, exercising and different things that life throws at me as a parent and a human being. I always have a list about a mile long that seems never-ending, and because Matthew is home with the kids I assume that a lot of that will be done without me. But when I come home, it's like maybe the barest of minimums got done and it's not enough for me.
I take care of the finances, making sure the bills are paid and we have enough in our account to survive. I take care of the grocery lists and the menus, which seems fairly easy, but not when the Dr has given you several restrictions so it makes for a harder time planning meals. Before working full time, I also made sure the house was clean, the laundry done, the kids fed, cleaned and taught what was right and played. I also wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself and my health since that seems to be something that is in question a lot lately and since we are wanting another baby it might just be the hardest thing I've had to work at yet. All that, with the kids and the errands, and school for Michael, and teaching Ammon, and then I would still work in the evenings, and sometimes I would pick up extra hours if they would let me to help bring in extra money. Then there are my responsibilities as a wife that I never feel like I am getting right and I'm not always sure how to fix it or make it better, even though I try really hard. I'm on so many medications for my health and also to try to get pregnant that it makes just surviving on a daily basis somewhat complicated and then cue the migraines that I get on a weekly basis, at least 3 times. My back is bad, I have PCOS, I have Hashimoto's disease and I'm tired ALL THE TIME!!!! But doing all that and working full time instead of just sometimes is really, REALLY hard for me!!!! But what I keep forgetting, perhaps on a daily basis, is that I'm not the only one in my family going through something incredibly hard.
I know that it's been hard for Matthew being a stay at home parent and feeling like he has the whole world on his shoulders in raising the kids and keeping a clean house. He also is supposed to be working out and eating right, and finishing his classes and then he wants to start a blog so he can try and earn some money until he gets his degree. And on top of that he is the DM (Dungeon Master) for 2-4 games on a weekly basis. Some he's at home for, some he's not. I think it's been overwhelming for him to try and figure out what I was doing, and me trying to figure out what he was doing and having to have the roles reversed. I feel like in the end it will be VERY worth the pain and issues, but sometimes the human part, the "natural man" gets the better of me and I complain and I make a total idiot of myself. Then I feel horrible and no matter how hard I try I'm never able to make things the way they were. I just feel like it would be SO much easier for Matthew to go and find another job and for me to quit and be home and then everything would run more smoothly, and I have 0 doubts that it would. However, I would have made the biggest mistake a wife could ever make. I would have taken away the opportunity for him to make his dreams come true. The opportunity to do for a living what he wants, not what he HAS to do in order to provide. I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him. He has been such a GOOD Father and husband and I just need to be able to take care of this on my own and not make an issue. So, why is this so hard?
While the sacrament was being passed in Sacrament Meeting today I had a thought. I was asking Heavenly Father to please help me feel better about this situation, and to help me through it. What could I do in order to make things better so I don't feel like this is so hard. And the answer was immediately resounding in my mind. "Stop complaining!". No matter how you feel, or how you think it's hard for you, just don't complain about it, and find another way to deal with the frustrations. Put the emotion into working out, or cleaning something in the house before leaving for work. Try to make life easier for Matthew so he can figure out this part of his life because when this part is over, we will all be the better for it.
So, this week I am going to focus on the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't. I am going to put my negativity away, and I am going to be grateful for something each and every day. I am going to write down what I"m grateful for and put it in a jar, and at the end of the year I will go through them and read them and see all the positive in my life instead of all the negative.
