I have never had a year harder than the one that is rapidly coming to a close. At the end of 2018 Matthew got laid off. I worked full time. Matthew got a job halfway through the year, and then I was told to stop working. I've never had a harder year than this, but there have been so many blessings, and more understanding of the great plan Father has for me in this life.
Working full time was hard for me. I did it with a happy heart because I felt, truly, that the Lord was trying to put us in a better position to be able to do better things in the future. It was hard, but I held onto that promise the Lord had made.
When Matthew found a job I remember thinking how great that was, and that it was an answer to prayers since our financial situation had been declining and we weren't doing great. Not terrible, but not great. Us both having jobs would helps things and we could dig ourselves out. But that's not what was in the plan Father had laid out for me.
Father told me to stop working. Matthew had JUST gotten a job, and weren't financially stable, but the Lord was VERY clear about it. I agonized over the decision for a couple of weeks. I was praying and doing anything and everything I could to make sure I was making a decision based in faith and the spirit, not my own wants. Once I made the decision to quit, I knew it was the right one. Never have I had a more firm response to a prayer in all my life. After a day or so I was afraid, and started to re-think my choice. I chose to stay, just until the end of the year and then I'd quit. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, and I knew that it wasn't the right choice. So, I knew Father needed me to quit my job, at a time when it was a terrifying prospect. I remember thinking that it was crazy, but if this is what God wants, then I will do as He asks. I felt very at peace with the choice, and so I quit my job. I was able to fulfill my role as wife and mother better. I was able to go and help my in laws more and to be able to see my family more. There are definitely great things that have come out of me being a stay at home mother and not working. And even in this hard situation now, I know it was the right choice, and the Lord has blessed us for our obedience. I see if in almost every aspect of my life. I'm better at my calling, I'm better at being there and in my children's lives. I'm learning to be a better wife and daughter/in law. The peace in my heart in truly indescribable.
Our finances, however, never have improved and have gotten steadily more unstable as time has gone on. We tried to re-finance the house to cash out some of the equity to be able to pay our debt and keep floating. We were rejected when we did that a few months ago, in Aug. We just tried again, out of desperation, and to our surprise and relief we were approved, so we have been hurrying to get things done so that it could go through quickly. We called this week to make sure the appraisal was received and everything was moving along. They said we wouldn't be closing on this until January. JANUARY????!!!!!! But, I'm screaming in my head, What about Christmas for our boys? What are we going to do? We need a couple thousand dollars just to come out even right now and I have NO idea where we are going to get that. I keep praying, and hoping. Hoping that things will work out how they need to and that I can be at peace with whatever Heavenly Father has in store for us, for me.
We are in the Christmas season, a time of year when miracles are believed in and can happen. This is the time of year that we believe in the magic of what Christmas represents. Some days I just hold on to that feeling and that hope so tightly that I feel like it escapes through my fingers, and then I feel depressed. I have a hard time feeling hope or feeling like there is a miracle out there for me. But, like my mother always told me, and was a great example to me, is that you have to keep moving forward. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best you can and then pray like crazy. I have learned over my 34 years of life that sometimes things are what they are, and you can't change them. That doesn't mean you have to let them get you down. That just means that you put your shoulder to the wheel and push along. Just roll up your sleeves and with a lot of gusto , grit, and determination you can deal with things. I've dealt with the finances of my family for my whole marriage. So I've had the opportunity to learn and understand a few things I didn't before, and I have learned a lot about how to go about handling and doing things. Sometimes I've had to get really creative to solve an issue, but I was always able to do that. I have learned that stressing about something you can't fix won't help anything. It's better to look on the bright side and put it in the hands of the Lord and do everything you CAN do. Because He will make up the difference, and fill the deficit after all that we can do.
After everything I've been through, and all the things I'm feeling now and the hopelessness I sometimes feel, I am still holding on to the hope and having faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know He will deliver me from where I am, I just have to be patient and know God has a plan for me. Even if I don't get everything my way, or the way I'd intended. I'm just hoping and praying, this Christmas, to be able to give love and kindness to others, and that I can provide enough for groceries and for a magical experience for my children. So I've been praying for that with all my heart and soul.
I was at a Christmas party with my friend, and the entertainment was David Archuleta. I went into the evening excited because it was a chance to get out of the house and just enjoy being out with friends and my husband. I never expected to feel the spirit so strongly and to have Father speak to my heart the way he did.
The music performed was phenomenal. David Archuleta has a gift. Yes, he has a great voice, but he puts a lot of heart and soul into his music, and he allows for the spirit to be there with him to communicate the message in his songs. There was 2 pieces of music that really touched my heart. One of those pieces of music was shared after a story about how he came to write the piece. It's called My Little Prayer. He told us of an experience of one night that he didn't say his prayer in the evening before he fell asleep. However, in his dream he was praying, but not like a normal prayer. He was singing his prayer. And even though he didn't hear Heavenly Father's voice, he could feel what He was communicating. He felt it so strongly, and he was told before he woke up that he needed to wake up and write this music down. So, he woke up, recorded the cords and the words of his prayer and he shared it with us. I felt like it was me saying a prayer to Heavenly Father. It's what I've been saying, praying, for months, and hoping for solace to heal my haggard heart. Here are the lyrics to the song:
Heavenly Father, I am grateful
for Your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
and that You are really there
sometimes I am afraid
and I know thats lacking faith
but I'm beginning to understand
that for me You have a plan
Heavenly Father I am grateful
for you sending your son
to die so that I live
and for never giving up
I'm learning every day
that I won't always have my way
but I'm beginning to understand
that for me You have a plan
Heavenly Father I am grateful
for You here in my prayer
I am learning to be patient
and that You are really there
There are answers I'm receiving
no there not always immediate
sometimes I have felt defeated
that's when I kneel down and pray
You show me You hear my prayer
I'm amazed by how You care
cause You hear my little prayer
The perfect way this describes my feelings over the past year is so indescribable. These are all things I am feeling, and learning, and trying to develop in myself. I know that Christ lives, and I know that He hears my prayers. I know that He is there advocating to the Father for me. I know that He is happy with the effort I put forth. I know very clearly, for the first time in my life, that the trials I am now facing are for me to learn and grow. They are very specific for me in this time, and for my family to be able to learn something that will be of great help and comfort to us in the future. I've never felt this way about a situation before. I could always look back in hind sight and see what the Lord needed for me to learn. But, I know NOW what it is He is needing from me, and I'm trying to have faith and keep on doing what He is asking. No matter how hard it is, or how inadequate I feel. No matter how worthless I am made to feel or how down I get, all it takes is a moment of reflection to remember how great He is and His love for me. He isn't doing this to punish me, but to lift me and make me better. He needs me to learn from this, to remember how it feels, and to be able to carry it with me throughout my life.
Jesus Christ, while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, there was only one time during the ordeal that He asked Father, "remove this cup from me, not as I will, but thy will be done". There's a lyric in that song that says, "I am grateful for you sending your son, to die so that I live, and for never giving up." God NEVER gives up on us, even when we give up on ourselves, or on each other, or even on Him. Something else I've pulled from that, is that Christ never gave up. He asked about a possibility, of not having to do this hard thing. However, he also was ok with Father's answer. And Christ NEVER GAVE UP. He went through the whole experience to make sure that I could return to live with my family and with God forever. If He, who suffered ALL things, never gave up, surely I can do the same, only ever having to go through my own trials in life, and not suffer and feel EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S suffering and trials. And in return for Him never giving up on me, and for continuously advocating to Father for me, I can find faith in my trials. I can help those in the midst of their trials and show love and compassion. I can accept the Father's will for me. It may not be always my way, but as long as it falls in line with heavens way, and the way Father has laid out for me, I can do it. It won't always be easy, but I can remember 2 things:
1. I can do hard things
2. Just like Christ, Never Give Up.
This too shall pass, and I know that it will be alright in the end of all things. The things we pass through are but a small moment in all reality. I will try to be more faithful in the moments that will mold and shape me. And in those moments I will remember the one who gave me the opportunity to come to this earth, and have these experiences. The experiences that will make me a great servant of the Lord and help me to be able to go back to live with my Father in Heaven. So even though I don't know how we'll buy groceries, or pay the bills this month, or even come up with Christmas, I know the Lord is with me and He is cheering for me and going to help me through this.
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