Our Love, the Lord, and our Beginning

I am always reminded in the month of February about the love of my life, Matthew, and how we met.  Our story is a long one, with a lot of history and a lot of growing together.  There were many trials.  Some was distance, a lot was family, and some was just the daily grind of life itself.  But, we have a love that I know to be real and true.  And if it weren't for my Father in Heaven and His wisdom in all things, I wouldn't be married to the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Our story begins . . .

     I met Matthew in Aug of 2002, my senior year of high school.  I went to Seminary that day and the person who was conducting class that day was him.  It was this short kid, but very cute, who was stuck in a Scottish accent, and my first thought was, "Why in the world would he be talking like that"?  He explained to the class that he had been talking like that with his friends and got stuck talking like that and couldn't get out of it.  I, of course, thought he was being a stupid teenage boy.  He was just doing it to get attention.  He sat right in front of me that day.  And as the class progressed he slowly was able to come out of that accent, and he said some things that were pretty insightful and deep.  I didn't think boys in high school were capable of thinking that way, and something about him caught my attention right off.  After the closing prayer, I wanted to talk to him.  It was really weird for me to feel that way because I had basically written off boys as being stupid until they had come home off of a mission, but I was drawn to him.  I couldn't explain it.  But, before I could ask him his name or introduce myself he was gone and walking out the door.  I watched him walk away, and as he did, the spirit spoke to me.  I knew that in some way, that boy would be in my life, for the rest of my life.  I didn't think much of it and shook it off and went about the rest of my day.  And the next couple of weeks proved to be interesting weeks.  I did things I didn't think I was capable of.  But I'll get to that soon.

     I had a dance class with my friend Megan, and she decided that we should go and try out for the play together.  The play that year was Singin' in the Rain, and I was so excited!  I normally don't go out of my way to do stuff like that, because I am so embarrassed to sing in front of people, but I decided I would meet up with her after school and give it a shot.  So, I went to tryouts, but Megan never showed up.  I decided to go through them anyways, in case she came later.  I had talked to the director and asked if I could just do the dance tryouts, since I just wanted to be one of the dancers.  I knew how to tap dance, and so he said that was fine. I did the tap tryouts, and then got to the singing one, and he excused me, and I went off to get ready to go to work.  (I was working at Maddox at the time).  One of the other directors wasn't very happy about it, but I had been in a choir class with the music director so I think they took pity on me.  I was at least good enough to sing in a choir, so it must have been ok.  I made it into the play as one of the chorus, dancing girls.  I was very excited!  And lo and behold, Matthew was in the play as well.  I didn't know he was into that kind of stuff, so after rehearsal that first day I invited him to go to Wendy's to get something to eat and then I could give him a ride home.  He told his Dad, who had already arrived to pick him up and he came with me.  So, I took him to eat at Wendy's and we talked for a while.  I took him home and I felt even more compelled to just be with him.  He was a great listener.  He seemed to understand my very soul.  But of course, it was just silly, right?  I mean, no one ever really finds someone like that without some sort of angle.  But, as the weeks progressed getting ready for the play, and going to seminary, we became friends.  We talked about everything that two people could possibly talk about.  We talk about views on life and love.  We talked about the gospel and how it had changed us.  I even told him about when I gained my testimony, which I hadn't told anyone except maybe my parents at the time.  It was such a special thing I didn't like to tell too many people.  But, I don't know why, I just felt the need to share it with him.  I felt the need to share EVERYTHING with him.  I was a faucet, that just was spilling over.  You could shut it off, but even then there was a constant drip of things I just felt I needed to share with him.  We talked about our families, we talked about music, we talked about, literally, everything.  And slowly, without really realizing it, I was falling for this boy.  It would take me many more months to realize it, and many more after that to do anything about it. 

     So, during our time together in the play we talked and laughed, and went to rehearsal and performed.  It was awesome!  I even asked him to sing with me in seminary for a special musical number I wanted to do.  He agreed and we went to a friends house to practice since she would be accompanying us.  It was great to share that with him.  Then, I found out that he was a Madrigal!  I was so embarrassed!  Why in the world had I asked him to sing?  I was so totally embarrassed!  He thought I knew, but I didn't know any such thing.  And I vowed I would never sing in front of him again.  And I kept that promise . . . through several years in fact. 

     My parents had gotten tickets that Christmas to go and see Michael McLean's The Forgotten Carols.  I wanted to invite him, as a friend, to go with the family.  He had been such a good friend to me that I thought it would be a nice way to say thank you.  He had a performance that night, but he said he would still try to make it.  He made it just before or just after intermission, I forget which.  My sisters started snickering, and  my cousin was there and she was asking all sorts of questions.  He happened to know my cousin because he was in the same grade as her.  They started whispering because he reached over to hold my hand, and held it throughout the performance.  I was happy, but it felt normal.  It was pretty natural for him to hold my hand, or for us to cuddle while we talked.  He did that with a lot of girls.  But it seemed that our hands just fit together so perfectly.  The connection was so incredible.  Yet it all felt as natural as breathing.

     Well, when we got out of the show, I was going to take a car load home, since I had also brought a couple of friends with me to the show, besides Matthew.  In order to get out and away we went through Pleasant View, and my friend Emylee, on every corner, was like, "I think this is the street where my Grandma lives."  It was funny because, in all actuality, we were lost.  It took me forever to find my way out of there and back to the highway, but we did and it was a fun night, despite all the setbacks and getting lost.  It's something we laugh about a lot now. :)

     Christmas time was an interesting time.  I felt the need to get him something for Christmas, so I took him a blanket.  I had gotten 2 of them at a family party I went to so I gave him one of them.  He was kind of surprised, and I felt really silly giving it to him, but it was done, so I tried to hide my embarrassment and let it go.  Over the next few months we would sit together sometimes at lunch and we would still hang out sometimes in the mornings.  We did some choir practices together since I had joined concert choir mid-year and that was fun.  Valentines day came, and I saw him with a bunch of roses, white ones that he was giving out.  Apparently no one really knew they were from him.  He had given them to the Madrigal girls that year, and they were from the White Knight.  I guess he had a couple of extra that he gave to other friends, but I didn't get one.  I didn't really understand myself, but I was a little upset, and so I went to lunch thinking maybe he'll explain to me since we sometimes ate lunch together.  He didn't even look at me that day.  He was with a group of his other friends, and I decided I wanted to be alone.  So I finished my food and left to go over to the seminary building to wait for class to start.  I was crying and sad that he had forgotten me, and even though it didn't make any logical sense in my head it made me a wreck that day.  I knew he was doing those flowers for the Madrigals, he had told me.  I didn't tell anyone because it was a secret, but I thought if he was giving them to other girls then maybe he had one for me as well.  I talked myself out of feeling like a giant idiot, and just tried to move on.  It wasn't like we were dating or anything, we were just friends.  So I finished my day like normal and just decided to get going. 

      The next Sunday he called and I went over to his house.  He wanted to talk to me, and maybe watch a movie or something.  So, I went, just thinking we'd watch a movie as friends.  He had a rose there for me, and explained that he had planned on giving me one at school, but he must have miscounted or something, and he felt really awful.  So, he also gave me a single white rose with an apology.  It was the first flower I had ever received from a boy.  I decided I would keep it, so I went home and hung it upside down to dry it, and then I would put it away somewhere to keep it.  Well, it turns out my sister was mad at me that week for something, so she decided to tear it down and destroy it.  :(  It really bummed me out, and made me really mad. 

     Anyway, time went on and I graduated from high school.  Matthew was there at the graduation because he was singing there.  I don't think I got to actually talk to him, even though we tried to get together at some point, but it didn't work out. 

     My birthday was coming up and I wanted to invite some people to have a party.  This was kind of a big deal for me since birthday parties are hard for me.  I share a birthday with my Mom, and we didn't really do much since something always came up, but I wanted to try having my 18th there at the house, and Mom agreed to let me invite over a few friends.  So, we got the outside all cleaned up and put a TV out there and we watched a movie and played games and did all sorts of fun things, including put my head in my cake.  Emylee said she would get me a cake if she could smash my face in one, so it then became a tradition to do.  Anyway, I had invited a bunch of people, including Matthew, and we were playing tag and having fun.  Matthew, however, was paying more attention to my friends than he was to me, so I was a little mad about the whole thing.  I wasn't mad at my friends, just the situation.  After the party I contemplated why I would feel that way, and I realized that perhaps it was because I had deeper feelings for Matthew than what I had admitted to myself.  So, I decided to find out if the feelings I had were of any consequence, and if they were valid.  When it comes to love I decided leaving things up to chance and not having the Lord's help was not an option.  Only He could help me understand what I was feeling and if it was true or just infatuation.  So, I spent the next 6 months praying, fasting, searching to see if I was really in love with him or not.  I got my answer, in Nov that next year and had decided that I wasn't going to tell him, or even do anything about it.  By this time we were best of friends, and he had helped me through a lot of things I was dealing with at the time.  Things that possibly no other person could have been able to help me with.  We were talking on the phone a lot, and sometimes those phone calls went far into the night.  I knew that he wanted to serve a mission, and that was his dream in life, so I definitely didn't want to interfere with that.   I did a Christmas gift for him that year, and tried to give him things that would benefit him on the mission as well as prepare him to leave.  He was so excited!  I went to visit my friend Sarah that day, and I was talking to her about the situation.  She said something that made me stop and think about my decision not to tell him anything about how I felt.  She said, in so many words, "What if something were to happen to him on his mission and you never told him how you felt?  Could you live with that?"  It definitely gave me something to think about.  So, I spent another month fasting and praying to know whether I should tell him how I felt, or if this was just something that was being used against me to cause problems in our friendship. 

     At the end of January I was asked out on a date, and it was someone I had met a couple of years prior, and he was recently returned from a mission.  I said yes, and he took me to dinner at the Mayan and then a Jazz Game.  It was a lot of fun!  On the way there, the radio was on, and the song was "Leave me Breathless" by the Corrs.  And my date turned to me and asked me if there was anyone in my life that made me breathless.  I wanted to respond yes, because in that moment I knew what I had to do.  But, I couldn't tell him that, so I just said maybe, and we went on our date. 

     Well, when I got home I called Matthew, but he couldn't talk on the phone because it was missionary week, and he was also grounded.  Something about getting his homework done.  And I thought, really, a whole week.  I am going to need to keep myself busy if I am going to make it through the next week.  I knew that I needed to tell him how I felt.  Heavenly Father was pushing me, and I was scared to death!  Who knew what he would say.  Who knew what his mom was going to say, and everything in my life felt like it was waiting on this moment.  I called him the next week, and I told him that I needed to talk to him.  He asked what about and I just told him it wasn't something I was going to talk to him about over the phone. 

     So, the next day, on Sunday, Feb 2,2004 Matthew came out and we went over the song we were singing for my mom's lesson in Relief Society, and we also had to sing for my brother's missionary farewell.  So, after that we went into the den to talk.  And, of course, my family all came in with the stories of my childhood, and the anecdotes, and the photo album.  All I could think was I wanted to ask him if he wanted to take a ride with me, so we could have some privacy without hurting my family's feelings.  Just as I thought it, he is the one that asked ME that.  We were at least on the same wave length.  So, we got in my car and we drove out to the Blacker Furniture parking lot.  I turned to him and told him about the date, and things that I had been feeling lately.  I honestly don't remember much of what I said because I was so nervous and I was speaking through the spirit in all honesty.  He responded, but I knew I hadn't said the keys words that I was supposed to say.  I didn't say "I love you".   So, he talked to me for a while, but I don't remember anything he said really because I was so distraught over needing, and having, to say the words I love you to this guy.  We drove back to my house, and in the car he said, "So what you're saying is that you like me, a lot."  I turned to him and just blurted out without thinking, "What I'm saying is that I am in love with you".  What happened next made me feel sad, and awful, and horrible and every kind of stupid.  He gasped, and freaked out, and I was trying to explain myself and the feelings and everything I had gone through to come to this conclusion.  But, every time I tried to talk, he would interrupt me and shush me.  So, I sat there, feeling rejected and horrible and feeling that I had just lost one of the best friends I had ever had.  I didn't know how I was going to live without him, but I guess I better figure it out since he didn't seem like it was good.  It took him a good 10 minutes before he even said anything about what I had said to him.  And when he did, then it knocked me for another loop.  He said he knew I was going to say that, but that he wasn't prepared for the way it would make him feel hearing me say it out loud.  He then said that we had a long road ahead of us if we wanted to make this work.  And then he went on to say he would be talking to his mom that night about it and we would just do exactly what the Lord told us to do.  We talked for a while afterwards, and I don't remember everything that was said, but I remember feeling hopeful.  That we might actually work out, and that even that first day I met him the Lord knew what was in store for us. 

     There were many trials after this.  There was a long time that we didn't even see each other since we both served missions for the Lord, Matthew in Korea and me in Chile.  There were months before Matthew went out into the mission field that we didn't see each other because of other trials that other people put us through, but it didn't matter.  With the help of the Lord we were able to go through each thing and become better people.  We became the strong independent people we needed to be so that when did come together again, we would be that much stronger and steady as a couple.  And when we did come together again, life had all worked out how it needed to.  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father helped shape us and form us into who we needed to be so that when we met we were ready to listen to his counsel.  We were both inspired and drawn together, and I believe that we were meant to be together.  This time of year always reminds me of this time in our lives, and how far we have come since.  It's been a long road, and the journey wasn't always easy, but we are so much more in love and stronger for having had the experiences.  I love Matthew so dearly, more than words could ever express, and the day I married him was the best day of my life!  He is so amazing, and just the perfect person for me.  I will always be forever grateful that I listened to the spirit, and that I told him how I felt.  No matter how terrifying or horrible it was at first, it was the best decision of my life.  :)



     After many more trials, and being married, struggling to have children, college, friends, family, having children (finally!), and finances and buying a home things are certainly never dull at the Hemby house. But something you can always count on is that the Lord is with us, and that we are continuing the journey, together, walking side by side growing more and more in love with each passing day. 

And our story continues. . .

Happy Hemby New Year!

Happy New Years to all!  I hope it was a good one, full of hopes and dreams and great goals for the fabulous year of 2016.  We all made it to new years, and doing pretty well.  We have some great goals, but I wrote about some of those in a different blog post.  But I wanted to post a few things that happened in Jan.  Some fun and exciting things happened in the Hemby Household.

            Ammon is 6 months old!  And we made it that far without having to supplement him!  However, we did have to start supplementing him with formula, but he is eating baby food really well.  He loves the cereals and the first few bites of each new baby food he gives us a funny face, but other than that he is eating really well!  He is just loving anything that we give him and happy to try new things.  He is sitting up by himself, and is babbling a lot now.  Sometimes we even feel like he is really talking to us, and it is as cute as can be. 

            Michael is doing well.  He is growing and full of energy, per the usual.  He had a visitor this month from a friend that lives in California now.  Matt, Diana, Ethan and Sierra came to visit us this month and it was a really awesome visit!  Matt had to go back to California, so I didn’t get to see him a lot, but Diana came back with the kids and they played and had fun.  Until the end, and then Michael was crying about something.  So the pictures we tried to take didn’t turn out so well, but that’s the fun thing about kids.  They may not have turned out how we wanted right now, but in the future it will be a funny thing to look back on.  Especially Michael’s face in some of those pictures.   I took pics of Ammon and Sierra and it was really cute to watch them interacting and playing together.  When we were trying to get a picture of all the kids on the couch, and we were trying to get them all to look at the camera and hold the little ones, Sierra was leaning towards Ammon, and right in the middle of everything she leaned over and licked him!  I really wish we would have caught that on camera, but it was so funny anyway. J 

            Something really special is going on right now down in Provo.  The new Provo City Center Temple open house is going on.  We were forntunate enough to be able to get tickets to go, and we invited Grandma Holly and Grandpa Charles.  It was a really wonderful experience.  Matthew sang in the tabernacle many times with the BYU Men’s Chorus, and had a lot of great memories there.  It also is right next to the headquarters for Nu Skin, where both Matthew and I work right now. It was a beautiful time, and we were able to feel the spirit so strongly there.  The kids were very good as well.  They got to go again with Grandma Gwen and Grandpa Roger, and Grandpa and Grandma Great!  Michael asks us every time he sees the temple or we drive past if we can go back.  He really loved it and tells us that he wants to go there someday.  It is so cool to see that spirit in him at this age.  He will love going when he is old enough to go. 

            The boys are doing really great in church as well.  It used to be that Michael would only stay an hour in nursery then he would cry and wonder where we were.  But, now we can’t get him to leave nursery at the end of the day.  It causes problems to actually take him home from church, because he likes to be there with the other children and “learn about Jesus” he tells us.  It is so cute to see them both all dressed up and ready to go to church with us.  J

            We also made some new friends this month, the Bowens.  They are in our ward, and have 4 little boys.  It’s so funny that the people we meet or are our friends have all boys.  J  Michael loved to play with them and it was great to get to know Haley and Mike.  We felt so at home right from the start and are excited to get to know them better and plan another time to hang out.  

            We have loved the way the first month of the year has gone.  We accomplished some goals and did well on others.  We feel so grateful to think of the things we have in our lives that the Lord has blessed us with.  He truly loves us and we are so happy to see what this year will bring to our little family. 

When my baby grows up . . .

     The last couple of days have been awful!  Feeling sick and being a mom is not my idea of fun.  I know that people say to just keep pushing through, and this too shall pass . . . and they are right.  I just wish sometimes I didn't have to feel so miserable since all I want to do is drink and sleep all the time.  However, I wanted to write something down that happened, and what I was thinking about it.
     Lately things have been rough for me.  I don't feel any more stressed than usual, but I feel sick.  And not just the normal "I have a head cold" sick, but I was depressed or something.  I don't get it. I don't have any reason to feel that way.  I am incredibly blessed and am so happy with where life is headed right now.  I am learning to find joy in the daily grind of life and make happy memories.  Then, while I was at work the other day I think I had an actual panic attack, some kind of anxiety thing.  I felt completely out of control, and I didn't understand why it would be happening.  It has never happened before.  And I didn't feel as if there was something that I should be stressing out about badly enough to have one, but there it was.  It made me contemplate on things that could be causing it, and what I can do to fight back. 
     Lately I have felt my lack of spirituality.  Not that I'm a bad person, but that I could be doing WAY better on certain "Sunday School Answers" in my life.  I could be praying more.  I could be studying the scriptures more, and I could definitely be attending church meetings and the temple more often.  So, in small ways I am trying to help those goals.  I try to study the scriptures and words of the prophets while I'm at work.  I talk with Michael and Ammon about Jesus and try to pray with them more.  I have a goal to go to the temple at least once a month.  So, all in all things are going pretty well.  And this is where I think some of the problem is coming from.  I know some of it is probably from taking certain supplements, and I need to decrease my intake.  But, I think that there is someone out there that is trying really hard to derail me.  I think the Adversary is trying to get at me a little harder than normal because I am trying harder to be better. And why shouldn't he?  It's his plan to bring others down with him, and especially those who are trying to hard to beat him.  I read something on facebook the other day I wanted to share.  It is written in the same style as C.S. Lewis' the Screwtape Letters.  And it hit the nail very hard on the head. 

My Dear Wormwood,
     I was thrilled to hear you have been making progress with the mother. You have a good lead, from what I hear. She’s feels over-worked, unappreciated, and discouraged? I’m so glad to hear it. If you tread carefully, this can be a great opportunity. With the kids waking her up every hour last night, we already have an advantage. A tired Mom makes for a more emotional Mom, and an emotional Mom is a vulnerable one.
I do have a few tips. First, aim your best efforts at her marriage.
As you know, we cannot do much with a unified marriage. Luckily for us, a cranky and exhausted wife can do wonders to change that. We must convince her that her husband is no longer the friend and ally she first married. Instead, we must reveal every sin and selfish habit, especially drawing attention to his thoughtless actions (mal-intended or not) against her.

     Sometimes it’s the less obvious things, things the husband doesn’t even realize, that we can use to offend her the most. When he comes home from work and dumps his things on the counter nearest the door (instead of hanging his coat or putting away his keys), let her think of it as a direct assault on her work as a homekeeper. When he treks mud in with his shoes, let her think it is because he does not love her. Such extremes of thought may seem ridiculous to you or I, but to the exhausted mortal woman, it can seem possible. Your goal is to make her think the husband does not notice, or even better, that he does not care about her efforts at home.

Secondly, do what you can to keep her focused on her troubles and pains. Remind her how much her back aches, how draining the children were all day, and how many undone tasks still beckon her. Do not let her wonder what difficulties her husband faced that day or whether his back might also be aching. Valuing others above oneself is one of those silly, though strangely effective, tactics of the Enemy. If she stops to make him a cup of coffee, the next thing you know she’ll be rubbing his shoulders and flirting with him on the couch. It can progress out of your control if you’re not careful.
Along those lines, be sure the Mother starts to value productivity above everything else. Have her wake up early and work non-stop until bedtime. If the husband relaxes in the evening with an hour of computer gaming, be sure the wife notices the pile of unfolded laundry or unswept floors. Do not let her grab a book and relax alongside her husband. Diligence, often one of the Enemy’s virtues, when overdone can be used to our advantage as well. Convince her that as long as there is a shred of work to be done (and there always is), no one should be resting. Then, as she folds and sweeps and he sits, you can introduce the sweet bitterness of resentment.
A word of caution here. Remember, the love of a husband can be dangerous to our cause. If he senses her unhappiness, he may begin to help or (even worse) show her affection. This is where previously planted seeds of resentment can be guided into full bloom. Make her think that his displays of affection are because he “only wants one thing”. Do not let her view his help with the dishes (or kisses or cuddling) as having pure motives. If he shows his desire for her, convince her that she is being used, not loved. As we both know, the ultimate Act of Marriage can bond them together in a way that can undo much hard work on our part. Because of this, do not allow her to prioritize that Act on her mental to-do-list. It is in our best interest to keep the wife busy, busy, busy and be sure she’s far too exhausted to consider it by the end of the evening.
Now, onto the children. Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones. We all know that children are a favorite tool of the Enemy. He calls them Blessings and Gifts and calls parents to lay down their lives for them, just as his Son did. Insane, I know. We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice. When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days. Do your best to shatter those expectations.
Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her. Let them take and take and take… And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent. Let them start crying at the same time for the most irrational of reasons. Let the noise bother her. Let their bad behavior surprise her. Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her. Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children.
Don’t let her think about the future responsible, faithful adults she is raising. Society changers, friends, workers, husbands or wives… Don’t let her think of them as life-long companions who will love her, converse with her, and care for her in her old age. Oh, and definitely don’t let her think about the grandchildren she might be able to see in their little grubby faces if she looked hard enough now. No, no, no… Thinking ahead to when her work bears fruit, as the Enemy calls it, is always a bad idea. Keep words like ‘heritage’ or ‘legacy’ far away from the runny noses and jelly stains of the day to day.
If there is any last piece of advice I have for you, Wormwood, it is to keep the Mother looking to her husband or family for her fulfillment and comfort. We know that the Enemy is always watching and willing to take the burdens of his children, but if we divert the Mother’s attention well enough, this fact can be forgotten. Make her look to her husband for worth and affirmation. Then, when he lets her down (as he is sure to do), she will be ours to torment. Yes, the worst thing that could happen would be for her to turn to Him with her needs and inadequacies. Once she realizes that the Enemy offers a peace that transcends her situation, our work could be utterly compromised.
Your Malevolent Uncle,
Screwtape


     C.S. Lewis originally wrote the Screwtape Letters when he was in a dark place in his life.  And this person, whoever it may be, that made this did it in the perfect style.  It really makes you stop to contemplate exactly what I have been feeling lately.  Why am I feeling so depressed, lonely, sad?  Why in the world would I be having a panic attack?  Why do I feel like my hormones are out of control and I can't control my feelings?  There was something that happened to me last night that finally hit me over the head and gave me the answer.  Here is my experience from last night.

     Matthew and I had just gotten the kids down for bed, and we were able to go to sleep at a halfway decent time: Midnight.  The time the Holy Ghost goes to bed, or so they say.  I layed down next to Matthew, grateful for the time that we had to cuddle a little before sleeping, and all of a sudden my thoughts started whirring around in my head like a hive of bees, and they were everywhere!  But it wasn't on good things. It was on scary things.  Like the scary dream I had about Michael the night before, and how the bones in his head were sticking up and his brain was exposed and I was so worried about getting him to a hospital but I couldn't reach him to get him to the hospital and he just kept saying owie over and over and over and it was driving me crazy!  Or a memory from when I was a kid that overtook me, or other things people have said or done to me that were hurtful, and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough.  I couldn't sleep.  I sat up, and took a deep breath, and I decided to pray.  I said a prayer, with Matthew, and then layed back down to sleep.  Instead of helping it got EVEN WORSE!  I couldn't get these things out of my head, I couldn't have a clear or coherent thought.  I was trying to sing, to think of happy memories, to think of all the wonderful things in my life and count blessings but it was being shut out by all of the horrible things, all the voices, all the nightmares that were trying to take precedence in my head, and they were winning.  Finally, in a quiet sort of way in this crowded, loud screaming match going on in my head, I head something.  The spirit of contention is not of Me, but of the devil.  I got up, I asked Matthew to turn on the light, and I told him there was a presence in our home that I didn't want there, and I needed his help to get rid of it.  He commanded the presence out of our home, using his priesthood and then he knelt with me and we dedicated the house, again, to make sure he couldn't come back.  The spirit swept in and did it's job.  We asked the Lord for help and He responded in kind, and it is one of the only times that I have felt that powerful of a response from the Lord, aside from when I gained my testimony of the gospel and a couple other small things.  It was so immediate, and so peaceful, I was able to fall right to sleep after that. 
     Now, I've always known how the adversary works.  I've always known that he likes to pray on our weaknesses and he is doing ANYTHING in his power to bring us down.  Never have I felt like he was working me so hard as he has been lately.  But now that I recognize it, and now that I know what is going on with me, I can fight back.  I know that the things I am doing are right.  I know it with my whole soul.  I won't back down, and I will continue to keep making good decisions and trying my hardest.  And when my best isn't good enough, I'm going to repent, and improve, and pick myself up and continue onward and upward.  Because the Lord has paid the price for it.  He has made it possible for me to feel good about myself, no matter what point I am at in life.  He wants me to keep trying, so I will do it, since He is always trying to help save me from myself.  I have always had a FIRM testimony of the Atonement.  It was drilled into me by the Lord when I was 17 years old.  But I am learning new things about it now.  I am reminded of old things that make me see things from a new perspective.  Being a wife and a mother make me appreciate the sacrifice even MORE now than I ever did before.  It really puts things in perspective when things get hard.  Because they WILL get hard.  They are supposed to.  It's how we learn and grow.  Heavenly Father wants to see how we will react to certain circumstances, and others are completely out of His hands, but He helps us through those anyway, because He loves us.  He loves us more than I think we are capable of believing at times, but no matter what we think, He does love us. 
     We took Michael today to go play at the play place in the mall.  And he was running free and happy.  Just kept saying to me, "Mom, I've gotta run!"  I admire Michael so much.  He has taught me a lot.  I am so happy he has the ability to run.  He may not have had the opportunity because of the clubbed foot, but thanks to modern medicine, we were able to fix that so he can imagine and run and play and have fun.  He can dream of anything he wants to and nothing can hold him back.  Nothing ever has, and I don't think anything ever will.  I always want him to feel like he can achieve anything, as long as he gives it his all and includes the Lord in all he does.  I imagine the man he will turn out to be someday, the woman he'll marry.  I imagine what kind of husband and father he will be.  I just know he'll be great.  I know that as long as he remembers that there are things in this life that he will come up against, things that will try to hold him back to think he can't do something, I am going to remember this.  I am going to remember to tell him that nothing has ever held him back, and we are behind him 100%, because he is a child of God, and he has a mission to fulfill on this earth.  And as long as he can dream it, he can become it.  I wish this for both of my boys, and any future children we are blessed to have.  Being a mom is hard, and striving to do the things the Lords wants for us in this life is hard as well.  But, remembering to enjoy the journey, and to be grateful for the little things, and for the biggest thing of all, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I know that things will always work out for my good.  I may not make it through the trial without some complaints or some bruises from being on my knees, praying with everything in me that I can get through it and things will be ok, but I know that with the Lord, I will definitely get through it.  May we all always feel like we "just gotta run" towards those things that are most worthwhile in this life. 
    

New Years Resolutions

     Like everyone in this world, I made certain New Years resolutions this year.  I make them every year as a matter of fact, especially after I got married.  Matthew and I sit down and discuss what we want to accomplish as individuals and also as a family.  We have a small, white Christmas stocking that I keep hung up year round.  It is the Jesus sock, and we put our goals in it and during the year try to fulfill the goals we have set, and then we will give them to Him as a birthday present at Christmas time.  This year the list is admittedly long, but not as intimidating as years past when I only set one or 2 goals for myself.  This year I have a new outlook on things.  I know that making goals and acheiving them is a very important part of life. Through goals we are able to recognize what we could do better, which inspires humility, and it also helps us to learn to be better, like our Saviour would want of us.  I have felt so overwhelmed at times with the New Years Resolutions that it depresses me from time to time.  If I mess up even a little then it is the end of the world, but not this year.  This year is the just pick up from where you left off year. Just keep on going.  That's why this year I chose to do things differently.  I chose to set a lot of goals, but spread out over the whole year.  So far it seems to be working a little better, and I don't feel as overwhelmed as I normally would at this time in years past. 
     The scripture in Matthew 5: 48 reads, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect."   How intimidating is that?  I am told to be perfect, and that is RIDICULOUSLY HARD!  I make mistakes every day, and the more I think on it and ponder all the ways I am imperfect, the harder it becomes for me to even want to try.  However, I've changed my way of thinking about this.   I think there is a way to work toward that ever-escaping entity known as perfection.  And a lot of the goals that I set this year will help me work towards that, but how to break it down so I don't feel so overwhelmed?  This is what I'm trying this year.
     In Jacob 2:18 we learn that "before we seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God."  I always have that goal of paying off debt.  And I feel every year that the exact opposite happens.  There is always that desire in each one of us to want to have instant gratification, well, I guess maybe just me, but that has hindered my ability to fulfill this even the littlest bit in the past.  I have had to learn things the hard way over the last 8 years of marriage just how to handle money.  I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, but I do think that I have come a long way.  And now I feel more committed to the goal of paying off, not ALL the debt, but a certain amount of the debt this year, and so that keeps me motivated and focused.  My motivation is to want to be a stay at home mom.  I was able to do that with Michael for the first year and a half of his life, and it was the best time of my life!  So, I know that in order to reach that goal of perfection that I need to get this debt off of my shoulders.  Now, in accordance with what Jacob is saying in the scripture I am doing that by seeking for the kindgom of God first.  I am striving to very faithfully pay my tithes and offerings, and have now decided to donate monthly to the ward mission fund.  I have a very firm testimony of that fund, and the way it helps young people, who couldn't otherwise afford a mission, to have that help so they can be the Lord's tools to bring people to Christ.  My mission changed me in so many ways, and I am grateful for the people that donated to the ward mission fund when I was on a mission.  To those people, I owe you a great debt of gratitude and may the Lord continue to bless you for helping this young woman to serve her Lord.  I am also trying harder to attend all my church meetings, and have even made the goal to make it to the temple at least once a month.  It is a hard goal actually, since Matthew works days and then I go to work at night, and then sometimes there are weekends that have to be worked.  And finding someone to watch our kids is hard as well, since we don't have any family that lives very close.  But, we are making new friends, and learning to switch off with people so we can go.  I feel a desperation to be inside the temple walls.  It is so peaceful there, and I can have a little time, all to myself, to think on the Lord and what He would have me do.  I think that in doing these simple things, that it will help me to get the money goals acheived.  It may not be fast, but it will get done, and that is all that matters. 
     I have been severely lacking in my personal study of the scriptures as well.  I was told in my patriarchal blessing that I need to study the scriptures AND the words of the prophets.  So, even though it is still hit and miss, I am trying harder to study at least something in the day.  Whether it be an article in the Ensign, or to study what the next lesson will be in Relief Society.  Or maybe sometimes I just flip through the scriptures and just start reading from there to see what I can glean from the hit and miss method.  It has really helped me in my life, and I see a great difference in the way I react to things, and how my days and weeks go.  It's amazing the things you miss that you didn't know you were missing because you didn't realize you were so far from those things in your life.  It is truly helping, and studying these things and then going to church is really opening up my understanding even further on things that I have studied and learned my whole life.  Interesting how the same principle can be learned over and over in different era's in our lives, and how they apply and the different aspects that we are learning to apply. 
     This next goal is something everyone wants I think.  I want to lose weight and be healthy.  It is the HARDEST thing for me, probably because I see myself in the mirror every day and think to myself how horrible I look.  I know that doing everything at once and quiting things cold turkey are not the ways that will help me.  I have tried that every single year of my life, and it isn't working.  I understand a little better how my body works, and that has helped me to make some goals to change my lifestyle, even if it is a little at a time.  So, each month this year I am doing something to change my eating/dieting lifestyle.  For the month of January it was giving up any carbonated drink.  I could still have a drink as long as it wasn't carbonated.  I was amazed at how easy this was.  I was thinking that I would be craving it all the time, because when I tell myself I can't have something it's like my body just fights me and I want it all the more.  But I made it through the month without anything carbonated.  :)  What a great feeling that was, and now I can move on to my next goal.  Feb is giving up any fruity candy.  Chewy, hard candies, anything that is fruity I am giving up for the whole month.  I am also going to start working out again.  Not P90X or anything, I know I'm so not ready for that.  But, I am trying a circut workout 3 times a week, just like 30 minutes tops.  It doesn't seem like a lot, but to someone who needs to get started again after having a baby it seems like a good start.  I am also taking my vitamins, and when I am no longer nursing my goal is to find a doctor that I can see and do a physical so I can see the areas that I need to improve.  Then maybe I'll go back on the Phentermine to give me a little kickstart back into really losing weight.  I feel hopeful about this new endeavor, and I am happy that the first month went so well.
     This last goal that I am going to share is something I have needed to work on for a while.  It is hard for me, and I hope that you don't judge me too harshly, but I have learned things in the last year that make me feel I am ready to do this and succeed.  I am number 3 of 7 kids in my family.  I am the oldest girl.  I had a lot of responsibility growing up, and I feel that as I grew up and moved on with my life I left behind some things I shouldn't have.  I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, all of whom are having struggles in one way or another (aren't we all?).  I feel the need to be there for them.  What has made that so hard in the past is when they would ask my advice on something I would tell them straight out, and they didn't like hearing what I had to say.  I learned that I could have said things better.  I could have shown I accepted them even with all their failings and downfalls, because I DO.   I'm here to help lift them, and guide them in the Lord's path, not to judge them.  I love them, I love them all with my whole heart and soul.  Maybe that's why seeing them struggle and sometimes make bad decisions just kills me inside.  I feel powerless to help them.  I feel that they are on the cusp of greatness if they would just listen and learn from past mistakes.  All I want is for them to reach the true potential I see in them, that the Lord sees.  I want them to not just make it through life, but to succeed in life and feel like they have wings to fly and to do anything that they set their mind to.  It is difficult, I can attest to that.  But it is so worth it to go after your dreams and make yourself better in this life.  I haven't really been able to do that for them.  I probably sounded very harsh and judging, and so they didn't want anything to do with me.  I distanced myself from them so I wouldn't get hurt anymore.  And sure enough, everytime I would visit them the hurt would come up again, because in my family, YOU NEVER GET TO LIVE DOWN YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS.  I would put the shields up again, and spend another few months not visiting so I could heal from the most recent hurt, that stems from something from so long ago.  I have tried to forgive and move on as best as I can, and to ask forgiveness for the things I've done to them as well.  I realized that no matter what they are my siblings, and I love them.  And I can't do anything about their current circumstances, but I can be there for them.  I don't have to agree with all their life choices, but I can love them and listen to them.  If they ask for advice or what they could do, I will do whatever I can to help them get the answers they need.  And if they decide not to take my advice, that's ok.  I am powerless to help them make a change, that is true.  But I can still do as Alma once did for his son.  I can pray for them, and know that someday the Lord will help them, when they are ready.  I can't imagine as a parent what it would be like for someone to see their children go astray from the teachings you hold so dear to your heart.  I see my parents and all they have gone through to help their children, and I admire them so much for it.  A lot of people have called them stupid, or fools for going to such lengths.  But the truth is, parents aren't perfect either, but they do have a perfect love for their children and just want them to be happy.  Just like our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy.  He is a perfect being, and so is capable of standing by and watching us make our mistakes, although I'm sure that the pain it causes him is indescribable.  As imperfect human beings on this earth sometimes we get carried away with wanting to fix the problem, and just keep giving, instead of letting them learn through the mistakes they make.  We just love them so much, and it hurts us to see them suffer, especially when it's something they could easily fix, at least in our limited view.  What is easy for one person is definitely not easy for another.  We have to let go of those ways of thinking so we can allow for the Lord to guide us in the way to go.  So, I want to be a better sister.  I want my siblings to know how much I love and adore them and their families.  I want them to feel that I am there, that I celebrate the things they are good at and love.  I may not agree with things in their life, but I still love them and will always love them and I want to be there for them with support.  In this way I think I will grow immensely as a person and maybe I will have better relationships with them as well.  They will never really know all that they mean to me, and to my family. 
     Goals are great things, and they can be hard at times.  I know that I think of a new goal to set each day, but I try to stick to the ones I am working on now so I can get better at those, and then that will allow me to be able to do the other ones I lack.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither can a person become perfect all at once.  It's a little at a time, doing little things that will help us along the way.  By turning to the Lord and putting priority in His teachings and in families I believe that anything is possible.  2016 will be a great year, even if there are a lot of changes and challenges, because life is what you make it, and I have chosen that through the goals I have set with God that mine will be amazing!  And I hope this for everyone else as well.
     The thing that makes this possible, the one thing in this life that makes striving for perfection possible is the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  In Him we can keep going, even when we make mistakes because He paid the price to wipe those out if we are sincere and try to improve and do better.  If we can just keep going, even, and maybe especially when we've dropped the ball, He has us covered.  He will plea with the Father on our behalf, so that we can make it to the next level in the life to come.  I am so grateful for the Atonement in my life, and what is has afforded me.  I am so grateful that I had a loving brother who didn't judge me or what I might do, but suffered for my sins, my sorrows, my heartaches and anything else I may go through to cause me to make imperfect choices.  Thank you so much, for all that you do for me and for my human state of being.   For this is the goal of the Lord: "To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."  May I always do what I can to help Him acheive His goal since He has done so much and continues to help me to acheive mine.