So, I guess I just wanted to write something here about how I'm feeling about a particular subject. It helps me to sort out how I feel and find a solution based on what the spirit is trying to tell me, not the other million voices inside my head.
Having children has been one of the biggest blessings on my life. I'll start with that. They are my everything. I love having them, and seeing them grow, and seeing the happiness they bring to me and others. I love being able to hold and cuddle them and having them with me for the time I am actually home during the day. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them.
However, it is definitely a lot of work having children. Taking care of 2 very active, very outgoing and energetic young boys is about all I can achieve in a day. No matter how much people tell you about being tired you never truly understand that until you go through it. You never truly understand how stressful it can be to think about the future you want for those little people the Lord has put in your charge. You never really fully appreciate the spectrum of what your parents must have gone through in order to raise you, even if you weren't super problematic as a child. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm overwhelmed much of the time, and I can hardly think about adding a third little person to our family. I thought to myself, maybe this is it. I can handle being the mother of 2 cute and adorable little boys. I can expend all my energies to making sure they have a good home and food, and teaching them all the things they will need to know to have a good life and then to return to live with our Father in Heaven after this life is over.
BUT. . . . .
This is not what Heavenly Father thinks I should do. The feeling has kept coming back to me over and over again that there is at least one more little person meant to come to our family. I am totally fine with that! Sometimes I even get excited thinking about having another little baby in the house. But then I think about all that would entail. I would have to put myself through a regimen of medications and doctors visits just to get pregnant. And each month that it doesn't happen will get worse and worse. And, if I were to end up pregnant after all how do I deal with all the symptoms of pregnancy and still deal with my 2 precious little people I already have? How do I deal with breastfeeding, and house-cleaning, and all those things that mothers do? How do mothers with a ton of kids DO this? I take off my hat to such women, because you are the type of women that the world needs. I have much to learn, and hope to be able to get that from your examples. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that even those mothers don't have their moments of frustration and dirty houses, and the children doing things that embarrass them or drive them crazy. But the fact that they keep going is what is impressive. They keep doing what they know is right, and in their case that may be bringing another child into this world. So, what's my problem? Why am I having such an issue with wanting this?
Matthew and I have started trying again to have another baby. We both have admitted that we are nervous and even down-right scared to do it again. We also know that if the Lord tells you to do something, He means for you to do it and learn from it. I don't want to feel like the only reason we are trying to have a baby is because God said to, but that's about how it feels right now. I am trying to do as the Lord has asked of me and I hope that it will be enough. I hope that He will be there through all the pain and trauma of going through this process again. I hope that He will carry me through those times that I feel like I can't hardly even get out of bed because of all the things going on with me. He has a plan for me, and I am willing to follow Him. I guess maybe I just need a reminder of the good things that come with growing a family. And I need to remember that it isn't just about me. It's about the life of that child that needs a home, my home. The child that the Lord has planned to come here and for us to teach and raise and hope that everything in THEIR future will turn out alright. I need that child here so I can learn from it, and grow as a person and a mother. I feel broken most of the time. My body doesn't work properly, and it seems around every turn there is another thing that is breaking down or wrong that I need fixed. Maybe if I fix my mental and emotional state then those things won't matter.
Heavenly Father, I am ready. I'm ready to go and do the things that I am commanded to do. I know that you will provide a way, and I know that it may be hard, but there is definitely a purpose for going through the things we do in this life. Just help me to keep perspective. I sure hope for the best, and whatever that may be I hope that I am good with it.
