Gratitude: an action word

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude."

 

     There are some things going on in my family recently that have really made me stop and think about what is most important in this life.  Is holding on to things of the past really worth it?  Have I really forgiven those who have hurt me?  Is it worth it to even bring it up anymore?  Or should I be grateful for the things that  I have now, and for the fact that the Lord has helped me to heal from those things?

     All of these questions are things I need to take a hard look at.  I need to take a hard look at myself and see if I am where I need to be in my life right now.  I want to start by being grateful.

 

     Gratitude: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to RETURN KINDNESS.

     This is the definition of Gratitude.  I am very happy that I read it.  I didn't realize the full extent of it until right now, right this minute.  It is something that I will be working on more and more.  I don't think I'm an ungrateful person, but I think there is room to improve.   The part that really struck me is that it is more an action than I originally thought.  I show appreciation for things, but do I always RETURN the kindness?

 

     Right now there is a major conflict going on in the family.  They, I think, are so stuck in the past that they can't, or won't, see forward to the future.  Is it worth it to always bring up past wrongs?  Is that what Christ does?  I think, if we are wanting to resolve a lot of the issues that are happening it would begin with gratitude.  There's so much to be thankful for.  If we could all just resolve to let the past go, and continue with thankfulness in our hearts for the good things our parents and the Lord have done for us, we may have a lighter heart. It's as they say, the only one hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. 

  

     When I was younger, just about ready to serve a mission, my relationship with my mother was not what you would call good.  We hadn't gotten along for years, and there was a lot of hurt feelings on both ends because of things that happened in my childhood.  I remember thinking, when I turned 20, that I needed to mend that bridge with my mom.  I wanted to serve a mission, and that needed to be taken care of before I left.  I was worried if anything happened to me out there I wouldn't be able to fix it with my mom then, so it was high time to do it now.  So, I personally made the effort to fix the relationship with my mom, at least the problems I had brought to it.  I decided it wasn't worth it to be angry or resentful of things in the past.  That is in the past, it's done with, and the only thing holding me back was something I couldn't change.  But there was something I could do that day.  I started trying to really listen to my Mom, to what she was saying and really seeing things from her side, as well as my side.  I can't say that even now I am perfect at it, but it opened the door.  We were on good terms when I left on my mission, and I can say now that as an adult with children of my own, my Mother is one of my best friends.  She has taught me so much, and I am grateful for her, and all she has done and continues to do for me and my family.    And especially of how she reciprocates that sentiment. 

 

     The same thing happened to me with my mother-in-law.  I knew that she didn't like me from the start, and there were a lot of things that passed between us that hurt the both of us.  It went on for several years as well.  There came a time though, when I decided to confront her about the feelings I was having; I couldn't do it.  It made me so nervous that it made me physically ill.  I decided that it didn't matter what had happened in the past.  It only mattered what would happen now, and in the future.  I decided to try working on my relationship with her as well, because even though I was hurt, I didn't understand the full extent of everything from her side.  Just as I didn't with MY mom.   I decided to just try a little harder.  I tried to understand her, and what she was thinking and feeling.  I tried to put what I was feeling into perspective because I could only see a very small, limited view of the whole situation.  The Lord is amazing, and He helped me to see things more clearly and was able to help me with those feelings, and things are pretty good right now. 

 

     Having a good relationship with someone is a two way street.  I know how easy it is to think, "Well, they are the ones with the problem and THEY need to try harder."  That isn't always the case.  Sometimes we are too stubborn or proud to see that maybe it is us, or even if the other person is in the wrong, we should make that move.  Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person.   Sometimes the other person doesn't think, even if they did do something, you would even listen or accept that they are trying.  So, keeping an open heart is key in any of this.  There was a talk in General Conference about asking the Lord, "What lack I yet"?  I think if we were to ask ourselves this every day, we could learn to always try a little harder to be a little better.  And in so doing we would be able to get this thing of being grateful down.   The action of it, not just the feeling, is the thing that will help us.  I think that this quote helped me to understand a little better the importance of gratitiude.  

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. ----Cicero

When I was serving a mission, one of my trainers said that something that helped her through her mission was to find a miracle everyday.  And doing that helped to cultivate the gratitude in every little thing.  Because sometimes in life, we feel so down-trodden and helpless, and like we are sinking.  But, looking at the things that are good, and thanking God for those things, can help to lift us up and give us faith and hope again that things will be alright.  It is a really great way to keep perspective.  We can also show how grateful we are by giving to others and serving those in need. 

     I was reading a little bit about this on LDS.org, and there is a great scripture they cite there that is the coolest thing ever.  "He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious" (D&C 78:19)

    I think it would be so great to be "made glorious".  I think as a goal for myself this next year, I am going to work on finding something to be thankful for each day.  I found an idea on facebook that said you should get a jar and start at the beginning of the year and write down all of the good things and happy memories that you had that year, and then on New Year's Eve you can read them and see all the GOOD.  I think it would benefit me a great deal!   Seeing the good and the miracles on my mission really helped me to keep focused on my goal, on the work.  I think it will do the same for me in my life now. 

     I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for this wonderful life that I have.  I really do have a lot, and I am very fortunate to have a great family with me to help me through this life.  I am so grateful for my husband, who is always and forever helping me and lifting me up.  He lets me know that I am worth it, and that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I don't always think very highly of myself, so this is the BEST thing anyone has ever done, or will ever do for me.  He is my rock, and keeps me level headed and going down the right path.  I am so grateful for my children!  They are the whole world to me, and I am so happy that the Lord trusted me enough to raise them.  I am grateful for my parents, and for my parents-in-law.  They are there to support us and help us when we've needed it.  They are truly amazing and we are so blessed to have such great people in our lives.   I am grateful for my friends.  They keep life fun and interesting, and give me someone to talk to that is going through similar things as I am.  I love the gospel, and am grateful that is was restored to this earth.  It helps me to know what I should do and lifts me when things are hard.  So, this next year, I will already say is going to be "grate"!

October Fest 2015 at the Hemby house

            This month has been full of some great things!  Our boys are doing so well.  Michael had an appointment at Primary Children's Medical Center to check on his foot to see how he is healing.  And Dr. Stotts said he looks great!  We won't have to take him back for another year.  Michael was so cute with the Dr's as well.  There were a couple of rotation students at the appointment, and Michael was telling all of them that his name was Captain America, and he of course had his shield.  So he ran for them, and showed them he can also be the flash, and ran and jumped and showed them his super hero moves.  They were all pretty impressed.  He let the Dr play with his foot, and move it around and push on it and didn't have any problems.  I was amazed!  Because he normally freaks out when he has to go to the Dr office.  I should have taken pictures, but totally forgot to.

          Ammon is doing really well!  He turned 3 months on the first on Oct!  This month he learned how to roll over from his back to his stomach.  Problem is that when he gets to his stomach he gets mad because he hates to be on his tummy!  Haha, tummy time is an interesting time for us each day!  But he is also very independent.  He doesn't like to just snooze away or be set in the swing anymore. He likes to be in the bumbo, or participating with us by playing on the floor or by being held all the time.  He loves to laugh and to talk to us, and sometimes it even seems as if he is trying to say responses to things that we say.  He is so cute, and is doing so well.  Ammon is also growing very big.  His 2 month appointment said he was 12 lbs 6.5 oz.  And he is 23 inches tall.  He is growing in height very quickly, and is above average in that category.  He is average for his weight, and we are very happy about that.  I have been able to breastfeed him longer than I was able to do with Michael, and we are still doing pretty good.  I'm hoping we can make it to 6 months! That is the goal.  He also loves to listen to music and watch shows with us.  He is just a bundle of joy! 

         

           We went on a trip up to see family in Brigham City the third weekend of this month as well.   The boys had a TON of fun with their cousins.  They got to run, and play, and they dressed up in their Halloween costumes and we took some pictures since we won't be able to be there for Halloween, but all the kids looked adorable and they all will have so much fun for Halloween.  We also went out to eat with Mary and Scott and their girls, Kathryne, Julianna, and Christina.  Mary is pregnant, and she found out this month what the gender of the baby is.  It's another girl!  They have decided the name will be Mariam Jyl Talbot.  We are very excited for them and are praying for a happy, healthy little girl. :)  We also were able to see my sister Gena's new baby, and she is about a month and a half older than Ammon.  We took a picture of them together, and they are so cute.  It's so amazing how fast kids grow, and the things they learn.  Especially when you don't see them for quite a while and then you do and they have grown and learned tons!  So fun!

           Also while I was up in Brigham I had the opportunity to talk to my best friend from my childhood, my cousin Ashley.  It has been years since we've really spoken to each other, and lately I've been thinking about her.  I've remembered all the things we did as kids, and I was wanting to get back in contact.  I went to find something on her facebook page, and I noticed that I wasn't her friend anymore, so I added her back.  I always assume that when that happens it was some sort of glitch.  I guess she added me back and saw my last blog post and she contacted me and told me about how things are going for her and all the things she is feeling.  I was so happy she would talk to me about things, since it's been so many years and things weren't exactly left very happy between us.  But she told me that she had deleted everyone from her facebook and was trying to find the positive, because there was a lot of negative there and things are just really hard.  I won't go into details, since it isn't my story to tell, but she said that she added me back and she read my blog and she liked it.  She said some things to me that really helped me to gain a better perspective, and I also was able to be in contact with her.  It's funny how life changes.   I have always felt that I was supposed to help her, but I guess I just was scared, because I didn't really know how.  But she has helped me, and now I think I am getting Heavenly Father's help to be able to help her and support her.  I'm really glad that we are friends again. :)

           I thought of all the fun things that I used to do as a kid.  The Blackers would invite us over to swim in their pool.  We would usually have pizza and just hang out with our family and the cousins.  We went to Idaho to Island Park to see my Aunt and Uncle and that was a blast as well.  I was thinking, I can't always afford to do a lot with my kids, but I want them to have some fun experiences, and make the most out of what we have and what we are capable of doing.  So I talked to Matthew about it, and we have decided a new family goal is to go out once a month as a family and find something fun to do; we are looking to do things that we may not have know about, that don't cost a lot but would be fun to do with the kids.  I am very excited for this, and I think it will draw us closer together as a family.

           Another fun thing happening this month is that we had a friend move in with us.  He and his family are moving and they needed a place to stay until the place is ready to move into.  So, it has been a fun adventure, and his family will be joining us for a couple of weeks or so in Nov, so we will see what it will be like to have 4 little boys in the house together!  I know Michael will love it, and he will have a lot of fun.  Though us adults may not get much sleep. ;)

         We took Michael and Ammon to go and see Hotel Transylvania 2.  I'm so bad at taking pictures, but I hope to get better, but it was a great movie, and the boys did AWESOME!  Ammon mostly slept, and Michael just loved the movie.  I think it's so cute the way he interacts with the movie when we take him to the theater.  It's a good thing we only take him to the kids movies, or we might be in trouble for the noise. :)    This was Ammon's first movie theater experience, outside of the womb.  I hope it goes this well when we take the boys to see the new Charlie Brown movie coming out in Nov. 

          High school was a really fun time for me. There were things that were awful, because some of those learning experiences aren't very pleasant, but I had some good friends.  One of those friends, Jamie, invited me out to get a pedicure this week.  First off, I should start off by saying that I have REALLY ticklish feet.  I don't like, or let, people touch them except for my husband.  I also have one toenail that has that gross fungus in it that I can't get out, so I am generally embarrassed for people to see my feet anyway, let alone subject someone to that on purpose so they can attempt to make my feet look pretty.   But I decided to go and try it; having a new experience isn't always a bad thing.  I went and it was actually really great!  It felt nice, and I didn't even have any issues with being ticklish.  Except when they were rubbing my calves.  But it wasn't so bad I couldn't contain it.  I've only ever painted my toe nails like once in my whole life, so it's kinda fun to have a color on them.  We just talked, and talked, and talked.  We have never had trouble being able to find something to talk about, and it was nice to talk to an adult, one who understands some of the things I'm going through right now, and we can just shoot the breeze.  It was fun, and I hope that we can do it again soon.

           Matthew and I have been working on the Halloween costumes for this year.  We decided to go as characters from one of our RPG's that we do.  It has been fun trying to find things to work for our costumes, and Matthew has sewn most of his himself.  Matthew won a gift card at work for Amazon, so we were able to get a few things from there to finish the look of our outfits.  They look really cool!  I just wish I was about 60 lbs lighter.  Our friend Alyna made Ammon's little chain mail outfit, and Michael of course is Captain America!  He just loves that guy, and he had the whole outfit, so we decided that it would be perfect for him this year.  It's kinda cute because Michael calls me Black Widow, he calls Matthew Iron Man, and he said baby Ammon is the Hulk.  Too bad we don't all have THOSE costumes. :)

Broken

              This last week was a pretty hard one for me.  Sometimes all I wanted to do is go into my closet and hide forever.  Everything seems so overwhelming.  Nothing seems to really help, and I get more stressed, and then something else bad happens and I get more stressed, then I overload and combust.  This happened to me this week.  I was feeling pretty good about life, and things actually are going pretty well, all things considered.  But, I had a moment this week.  A moment when I felt completely and utterly broken. 

 

               A few days before Halloween I started with a migraine.  I took some pills, and it didn't go away.  I am drinking at least a gallon of water a day, which I thought would help and it didn't.  So, for 4-5 days I've had this terrible migraine, and the pain killers I'm taking are only keeping it at bay, it's not really getting rid of anything.  I wish I knew what was causing it so I could get rid of it.  So, there's that.

               My milk supply went down, and I was worried and stressed over that, because even though to other people it may not be a big deal, it IS a big deal to me.  It's always something that I've wanted to do, to know that I could take care of my babies in that way.  With Michael I was only able to nurse for 3 months and then my milk supply dried up, but I've been able to go longer this time.   It's always an up and down thing, because I'm having to pump half the time because of work, but it's been working so far.  I just have to make the extra effort everyday to make sure things are going well.  When I was nursing Michael, I ended up with Mastitis 2 times.  IT IS THE WORST!  You are feeling like nothing you do could get you out of bed, you can't even really keep your eyes open and your chest hurts like nothing you've ever experienced before, but you must keep going because there is a little baby who is COMPLETELY reliant on you.  I've been able to avoid that this time.  I've had a couple of plugged ducts, and it was painful but much easier to work through than Mastitis.  Only, on top of the migraine headaches I've been getting, now there IS an onset of Mastitis, and it is really awful!  So I am battling these things, and trying to still care for the boys, and also to go to work.  It's really been exhausting.

       Well, the other day must have been the last straw for me.  I just shut down.  The baby had been crying all day, and I need to nurse him to help avert the Mastitis crisis but he won't latch on, and Michael is throwing tantrum after tantrum because he is tired, and getting him to nap was a joke.  My house was a complete mess, and we needed groceries, but there isn't money for it, and I needed to lay down because of how awful I was feeling and that couldn't happen.  I was so beside myself, didn't really know where my emotions were, or where they were supposed to be.  By the time I got home from work and nothing got better, I couldn't take it anymore.  I just lay on the bed, with my blanket, and stopped.  It felt as if all emotion was stopped inside of me.  I was a shell, for just a while.  I remember thinking to myself, "This is what Riley felt on the movie Inside Out.  Her console went black and she wasn't able to feel anything, and her islands of personality, all broken and gone, made everything seems pretty hopeless.  I'm just not winning right now."  I felt like a part of me had broken, and that part of me I will never get back.  Too much stress, too much pain, too much of everything sometimes makes it hard for us to function.  There are those that are good an faking it, but I couldn't continue faking it that day.  Matthew, knowing I needed time alone, took the boys in the other room to put them down to bed so I could just feel.  I felt alone.  I felt guilty.  I felt ugly and fat.  I felt all the things that I have been trying to suppress for so long, and then felt guilty about that as well.  I cried, and cried and cried.  I cried myself to sleep.  I don't remember anything until I remembered, late into the night, I needed to get up and pump to try and help all of that stuff heal, and make sure I have enough milk for my baby.  So I woke up and pumped.  The baby was in the cradle, and Matthew was in the other room with Michael.  I pumped, and got everything taken care of, and then I heard the baby start to rustle around.  I knew he would be waking up soon.  I got a bottle of milk out of the fridge and took it to warm it up so that by the time he was awake and screaming the bottle was ready.  (This was important because I didn't want to hear the screaming, and because our friends, who are staying with us for a couple of weeks, got in really late and were trying to sleep with their boys.)

I normally have Matthew come in and take care of Ammon while I pumped, but since I was able to get that done before he woke up, I took the initiative to feed the baby on my own and let Matthew get a little more rest.  So before Ammon could even start to squeal I picked him up and held him, and fed him the bottle.  It was so amazing to be able to feed him without stressing about nursing.  It was great to see him be so happy, and so content while I fed him.  I was able to have some real bonding time with him that I wasn't worried about anything else.  Just being with him.  He fell right back asleep and I cuddled him a little bit longer, and then layed him down so I could get Matthew from Michael's room so he could sleep in the bed.  I was able to sleep really well after that, and I felt a little piece of me come back.  A part of me that I haven't really been able to fully understand, or relate to.  The part of me that is a Mother. 

    The next day seemed to go a little smoother.  I still had a bit of a migraine, and I still do, but it's getting better.  The problem with my breast is getting better, and I feel like I may just get the hang of this.  The boys were good throughout the day, and we had a lot of fun with the Basham's and then going out to trick or treat.  Bedtime was rough again, and I started to cry, and then it was alright.  Matthew had to work, so I did Halloween with myself, and a lot of help from our friends, and I'm so grateful they were there to help me.  Janina helped me to get the baby asleep finally, and Michael and I just watched a show in my room until Matthew came home.  Then I was able to get a shower and Michael went to bed and things were a little better.  So every day gets a little better.  I learn a little more of what I need to do, and how to be able to be the Mother of 2 children, and still be Priscilla.  And if I'm broken, it's alright.  God likes broken things.   

 

BROKEN--by Kenneth Cope                                          

                                            

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

 

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride tuns blindness into sight

 

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things?

 

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

 

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ till His name feels broken in

 

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

I believe that God loves broken things

 

And yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

 

This broken soul that cried for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name--my God loves broken things

 

So, Broken cloud--Give rain

And borken soil--Grow grain

And broken bread--Feed man for one more day

 

I heard this song on the radio on my way to work today.  I had this song on my mission, and at one point I listened to it everyday, because there was a point that I felt broken out there as well.  But God likes broken things.  He can help us mend our souls, and to take away the burden and heartache of being broken.  He gave us a Savior, one who also loves us and gave everything He had so that we can overcome these things, overcome the feelings of helplessness and inadequacies.  2 Nephi 2:7 says,

"Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered." 

    Perhaps, the reason I had this trial was because I needed to be broken.  I needed to be able to ask Heavenly Father for help, and remember something I've known for many, many years.  That no matter what, whether we are enough, or doing everything we should be doing, or are weak or strong, or feel a little broken in any aspect of our lives, we are covered with the grace and mercy of Heavenly Father.  The love of Heavenly Father and our brother, Jesus Christ, sent Him to the cross.  Through His broken body, his broken heart and soul, we are able to be forgiven, or to have Him take our burden, because He FULLY understands it.  Maybe that's a little why we are to offer a broken heart.  He broke so much more on our behalf, and we need to feel a little of that.  Not as much as Alma the Younger, but enough that it helps us to really appreciate the sacrifice given us. 

    A good friend posted a quote on facebook that reads, "If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting."  I hope this is true.  I keep forgetting for some silly reason that our job on this earth is to learn and to grow, and probably most importantly, and hardest of all, is to endure to the end.   Enduring can sometimes seem like the most never-ending hardship in the whole world.  But with the Lord by our side everything can be borne, everything can be done.  And even this hard thing of Enduring to the End can be done with the help of our Heavenly Family. 

    I know God lives. I know He loves us.  I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior.  And I know without any doubt that things will be hard.  And it's ok.  It will all work out somehow.  With God by my side I can do anything.  I am so grateful for that knowledge.  I am so grateful for my Savior and that He loved us enough to come down here and suffer things I can't even imagine.  I know I have the trials meant for me, and the ones I'm able to handle and still learn the lessons I need to learn from this life so I can make it to the next with my family.  It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's okay to not always be perfect.  Thank you Heavenly Father.  I love you and hope you know how much I truly appreciate all that you do for me.