My Foundation, My Cornerstones, My All

          I wanted to write some things that I enjoyed about General Conference, the impressions and feelings about things that penetrated my heart and filled my soul and spirit with joy, love, and hope.  Our Prophet, Russell M Nelson, was the first speaker for the Saturday Session of General Conference and that was an amazing kick-off point for the things that were spoken of in the rest of the conference.  He talked about how this would be a memorable and unforgettable conference, and that we will be blessed in many ways as we listen to the spirit testify of pure truths.  For me it was definitely memorable and unforgettable. 
          First of all, I would like to start by backing up a little bit.  We were instructed by our beloved Prophet to prepare for conference in which we would be having a bicentennial celebration of the 200th anniversary of the First Vision happening.  He gave us suggestions for things we could do to prepare and also put out an email and video telling us to Hear Him.  Just as Joseph Smith was told, by God the Father on that spring day, to Hear Him.  Him meaning Christ.  I have never had a desire in the past to prepare myself for a General Conference before, feeling instead that conference was there to help me prepare to face life and it's challenges.  But I felt a strong desire now to be prepared, and wanted to act on that, knowing it would be for the good of my learning and instruction.  And what a difference it made!
          As I pondered this request I was impressed with the power and impact of such an invitation.  Hear Him!  Hear how Christ speaks to me through the spirit.  Take some time, slow down, be calm, and listen to that still small voice about precious truths he testifies about.  I was very excited about this because this particular subject and truth had been on my mind for several months.  We had been going through a very trying and turbulent time and being able to hear the spirit speak to me and give me comfort was a necessity in my life.  It still is.  I also thought of loved ones that could benefit from understanding how the spirit speaks to them.  I'd been praying for them, and wondering what I could do to help them, or be there for them so that when they are ready and the spirit constrains me to speak, I would be ready to be an instrument in the Lord's hands.  I started by making a list of ways that I know the spirit speaks to me.  Some he uses often, while others he only has used occasionally, or maybe even only once.  I thought about times that I have received impressions and promptings by the spirit, and when he's revealed truths of the gospel to me.  I remembered in my patriarchal blessing that it said I will have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion as I live the gospel to the best of my ability.  I realized that the spirit has been a major part of my life and has helped me to take full advantage of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, find peace and healing, understand my personal role and purpose in the Lord's work, and confirm the truthfulness of gospel principals.  While dwelling on this amazing gift I've been given, I started to read the account of the prophet Joseph Smith.  I watched some video depictions of it as well with my boys and explained to them about the experience, why it was so important and amazing and how they can also pray to find their own answers.  They can follow the example of Joseph Smith and they can also ask Heavenly Father to answer their questions and prayers.  As I was pondering these things I was reading the 4 different things from the HearHim.org website that we can do to Hear Him.  As I was thinking about it and trying to hear what the spirit needed to teach me, I thought of how he uses small and simple ways to communicate with us.  Satan will try to get our attention with big flashy things, noise, and distraction.  He does it boastfully, as our prophet said, and only for his own means.  When God wants to communicate, he allows us the decision to listen.  We can CHOOSE.  We have agency and that's one thing He will NEVER take away from us.  He won't give us huge signs.  He is a loving Father, and isn't going to yell, because He doesn't work that way.  We show our willingness to invite Him into our life, and show faith in Him by taking the time to Hear Him.  He patiently waits until we have prepared ourselves to hear what He wants to tell us, and he will do so softly, in the still small voice of the spirit.  If we choose to listen, we also acknowledge our willingness to hear his communications at the volume He wishes to communicate it. 
        I read through my patriarchal blessing to help me be in the right spirit to be able to willingly accept the spirit, at His volume and will, and went into conference with an open and willing heart.  I have learned through different experiences in my life that I can trust God, and that He sees more than I can see.  So it is best to put my will in alignment with His, and everything always works out in the end.  I learn and grow from the trials and experiences, and they make me better.  So, I've learned not to ask "why" anymore.  I've learned to ask for strength, and be like Nephi and ask Him to give me what I need to do the thing that He commanded me.  So for conference, I was ready to be inspired and told what I needed to do from the Lord.  I was ready to be transformed.
          President Nelson said that "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear".  He talked about having food storage and necessities of life, and that was important.  I have been a big believer and advocate of that.  He talked about, however, making sure that our spiritual reserve is just as prepared and full to last us through trials and tribulations.  And that if we were prepared spiritually, relying on Almighty God, then we would not fear.  We would be able to weather the storm, and be able to see the things we are to learn from those trials.  He said to stand in Holy places and BE NOT MOVED. 
        That struck a cord with me.  A fundamental principle in the gospel is to be built upon a sure foundation.  Many of the apostles and authorities talked about different aspects of this.  I feel in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul that it is the single most important thing we need to learn as children and young adults, and be reminded of as adults as we navigate the waters of this life.  Be not moved.  We need a sure foundation, and how do we gain that?  By HEARING HIM.  We need to learn how the spirit talks to us.  It is very individual, and the way one person feels the spirit will be different than any other person.  If we can learn that, and figure out that part of ourselves, then we have a basis on which to utilize the spirit and the atonement in our lives to learn of the sacred truths the scriptures and prophets reveal.  Truths that have been restored in these the latter-days.  And by the power of the Holy Ghost, we may know the truth of ALL things.  We build our foundation in this way, and put in our "cornerstones" if you will, as spoken of by Elder Gary E Stevenson. 
          Elder Stevenson challenged us to figure out what our "cornerstones" are.  He said that the first 4 questions of the temple recommend interview questions are great places to start.  I got to thinking about what my foundation is made of, and what each of my cornerstones would be.  In contemplating this, I know that my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the first and perhaps the most important cornerstone for me.  I gained my testimony of the redeeming power and validity and truthfulness of the atonement when I was 16 years old.  It still boggles my mind that at such a young age I was able to feel the spirit and have it baby-step me to that point that I prayed for myself, instead of just continuing to live off of my parents testimonies.  It was no coincidence.  It was no random act.  Things happened, and I made decisions.  And because my parents taught me that I could get my own answers, I decided to put that to the test.   And because of my spiritual gifts given to me I was able to be in tune and attain that testimony for myself.  It's still a very special and sacred event that happened in my life, and has helped me become the person I am today.  That experience taught me about faith.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His gift of the Atonement.  Faith in myself, that I can know for myself and that age and life experience aren't requisites to be able to draw on the power of the spirit and Jesus Christ.  It taught me that I owe so much to my Savior, and that I love Him SO much for what He did for me. It's a personal thing, and something I know I am incapable of doing for myself.  So I want to honor that sacrifice and live my life to give thanks for all He did for me.  I have been able to really apply the principles of the Atonement in my life. To get me through trials, to help me to be forgiven when I sin.  To help me to make restitution and to forgive.  It is a great comfort that because of the Atonement, the Lord knows how I feel, always.  He understands sorrow, anger, depression, happiness, desperation, sadness, guilt, betrayal.  All the things we feel as human beings He knows.  And that is the greatest gift of all.  Feeling like someone understands, and won't judge no matter what. 
          My 2nd cornerstone is of the validity and truthfulness of the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ in this dispensation.  I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and he was directed and inspired to bring about the translation of the Book of Mormon and to restore the priesthood, the power of God, on earth.  I was able to come by this testimony before leaving to serve a full time mission at the age of 21.  I wanted to have that solidified before I left knowing that it was a HUGE part of what I'd be teaching those searching for the truth.  And without the restoration, we wouldn't have anything to teach.  We wouldn't have the fulness of the gospel to share to gather the lost tribes of Israel and fulfill prophecy.  Without my testimony of the Book of Mormon and the amazing stories and doctrine that is written there I wouldn't know my Savior in the same way.  I would probably still be searching for more.  I have pioneer heritage, and I am grateful every day for the one person who decided to join the church back in those days.  For believing in the restoration and for giving me the opportunity to be able to be born in a family that could teach me about Heavenly Father's plan from infancy.  What a great blessing it is to know that the heavens are opened and that we have the fulness of the gospel.  I don't know where I'd be without it.
          My 3rd cornerstone is knowing the blessings of the temple, and especially that of eternal families.  I met the love of my life in my senior year of high school, and I was guided and prompted by the spirit to pursue the relationship, even through immense hardship, disapproving family, and barriers put in our path.  I was young, but I knew that being married for time and all ETERNITY was important to me.  I was able to hear the still small voice help me in making this decision and helping me know that it was very much the right one.  And through 3 years of being apart and having some amazingly hard trials, I know I got through it because I had prayed about it, and I knew with all my heart and soul that it was the right choice.  The spirit confirmed it for me.  Knowing that I am now married and sealed by the power of God in the temple is such a comfort to me.  Knowing that the children I fought so hard to bring into this world have the protection of that sealing is also a great blessing and comfort to me.  I teach my children of what temple marriage and sealing means to me, and how it felt, and the trials we endured to get there.  It wasn't easy AT ALL!!!  Nothing I've gone through has been easy or come without cost.  But because I know how to hear the spirit, and I let it guide me and keep me company I know that I've come through those trials in far better shape than if I'd tried to do them alone.  The cost of going through those things was SO worth it.  I would do it all again because I know that those trials were there to strengthen me, and to strengthen us, and I wouldn't be who I am without them. 
          My 4th and final cornerstone that grounds me is Personal Revelation, and knowing there is a prophet today to receive revelation to guide the Lord's church.   Because I can receive personal revelation I can get my own answers. I don't have to take anyone's word for it but the Lord's.  Because of personal revelation, I know God's plan for me.  Not just the plan He has for all His children, but His specific plan for Priscilla. And I will tell you that understanding that was a VERY long road and had lots of trials and cost.  Again, it wasn't easy.  But I wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything.  How I need to grow, what I need to work on to become more like Him and gain exaltation in the life to come, these are all things I can know and have help accomplishing because of personal revelation.  And because I have sought personal revelation, sometimes the Lord has answered me in the revelations He has given the prophet.  Like the Come Follow Me program was a HUGE answer to a prayer I'd been asking for several months.  There have been revelations and doctrine of the church that I have heard from the prophet and I didn't believe what he said right away.  Sometimes I don't understand why certain doctrines or practices are made.  I know that I can receive my own answer about it.  Just like Nephi when he heard Lehi's vision of the tree of life, he went to the Lord and asked for verification.  I have gone to the Lord in humble and earnest prayer to ask Him, why?  Could He help me better understand?  And indeed He did.  I hardly ever get answers right away, and sometimes the answer is to figure it out for myself, because the Lord DOES want us to be able to "govern ourselves" and learn to make our own decisions as well.  My mother always taught me that "It is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward". (D&C 58:26). In speaking with a friend we also talked about how we don't need to know every single thing from the Lord.  He's given us the tools we need in order to do it for ourselves.  He's given us spiritual gifts and talents to help us in our endeavors.  He's given us the capacity to learn the things we might need to fulfill the work as well.  He's given us the people around us as well, because we don't have to do anything alone.  And this is a skill necessary to become more like God, because He Himself shows us His apptitude for it everyday, in many ways.  Being Father to trillions and trillions of children in different places in the gospel and life and helping them is a big task.  I'm sure knowing how to help them came from learning how to help oneself be prepared, and some of that is personal study and improvement.  So, if God did it, surely we must need that skill as well.  I feel that President Eyring was right when he talked about the Lord seeing far into the future, and plans things step by step.  He guides His work by giving revelation step by step, line upon line.  Here a little there a little.  And I know that He has done the same for me and my life.  And I'm glad that I have made some good choices in there because it is helping me during this time of strive and upheaval in the world. 
          These cornerstones are what have made me, what ground me, and what have shaped the person I am and the home I am making for my family and all who enter.  I build up from those cornerstones and have received a testimony of so many other things in the gospel.  But for me, these are the things that secure my foundation.  I feel strong in the Lord, and what He has planned for me and the world.  Will it be easy?  Of course not.  Will it be worth it.  Yes, it will be more than worth it.  I was given many other impressions and ideas through conference that I want to write about.  Things to help me to improve myself and be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Christ.   I have learned, sometimes through hard lessons, to let go of what others think of me and my decisions.  I have learned to rely more on God and less on man.  I have learned that when I do that, even if there are hard things to get there, that the end result will be more than I could have ever imagined.  God's is the only opinion that matters, and though it's still sometimes hard to not be bothered by what others say I feel He is helping me progress and feel good.  I want to be like Lehi, at the tree of life, beckoning his family and friends to come and receive.  I don't want to be the person in the mist, lost and confused.  I don't want to be in the tall and spacious building.  I want to keep my focus on the Lord, and reach out to help while holding firmly to the Iron Rod. 
          Now, this is just my experience.  Everyone has a different experience and different things that are hard for them and different gifts as well.  So this is just a personal experience I am sharing and in no way am saying that everyone needs to do this, or be this, or anything of the kind.  Everyone needs to do what they feel is best for them and their situation, and I'm here to help you if you need or want it.  For those of you out there who are struggling at this time, I am here.  I am here to listen.  I am here to help in whatever way is best for YOU.  If you need something, I'll get it.  If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.  If you need to vent how horrible the struggle is and you just can't take it anymore, I'm here.  If you want to talk about the gospel, I'm here.  If you have questions, or concerns, or are wanting to figure out a way back to believing, I'm here.  There are no judgements.   Everyone deserves to feel unconditional love and acceptance, and that's what I'm here to provide to whoever needs it.   I have faith, and I have immense hope.  As Elder Holland said, "if we lose hope, we lose our last sustaining possession".  I'm here to help anyone who needs it to keep hold of their hope.  We WILL get through this, and the Lord will conquer all.   Let's help each other and feel of the Savior's incredible gift, together.
         

I Will Do What the Lord has Commanded

          I know that things I have chosen to do in the last several months may not make sense to most people.  I know that it might be hard for people to understand when I tell them that I am doing what the Lord has asked me to do.  The choices that have been made may not even seem like the smart thing to do, but I have learned something important in my life.  When Father has a plan for you, and He tells you what He wants you to do, you do it, with the utmost faith that everything will work out in the end.  He is doing it to test your faith and your obedience, and it will be tested to the ultimate limits. However, I also know that He only does this to strengthen us, because something else is coming and we need to be prepared.
        This all started a few months ago when Matthew got a job.  After 6 months of being unemployed and our situation being a little shaky he got a job and we were both so relieved.  I was still working full time, and we were very happy that things would be getting better financially.  However, I got this very strong feeling that I was supposed to quit my job.  Now, don't get me wrong here.  I was feeling overwhelmed and burdened at the time I got this message from the Lord, but I also thought it was just my own whims that were dictating my feelings on the matter.  So, I chose to ignore it and continue to work.  But again, I felt the spirit telling me that Father wanted me to quit my job.  I got rather upset and sort of screamed back at the spirit.  "How can I possibly do that right now?!!!  We aren't financially stable, and I don't think this is you talking to me, but my own inner voice.  I just can't right now, so I'm sorry. "  However, Father must have known how stubborn I am so He kept insisting, through the spirit, that I quit my job.
          I decided to at least pray about it.  I could separate my feelings a little easier if I was consistently trying to find the Lord's will for me and my family.  I spent at least 2 weeks in constant prayer, and searching the scriptures for answers.  Trying to feel my way through this muddle of a mess.  I truly felt like it was time for me to quit.  So, I made that decision, and the immense relief that washed over me was insane.  I felt an instant peace, and happiness, and the stress and pit in my stomach went away immediately.  I couldn't deny that this is what the Lord wanted.
        The next day I went to work, and I didn't put in my 2 weeks notice.  I started thinking about everything and how this would all work, and the why and how of what was happening and being asked of me.  I quickly was afraid, and decided that despite my answer to quit, I would just stay.  As soon as I decided that, I felt sick to my stomach.  I ended up with the pit in my stomach back again, stressed beyond belief.  I went home and talked with Matthew about everything, and he told me simply that if the Lord told me to quit, then I needed to do that.  However, he was also worried about our finances, so we decided I would stay until the end of the year and ask Heavenly Father if that was ok.  So, we prayed together to see what Father would tell us.
          Now, during all this time there was an issue with my father in law. He had ended up in the hospital and was very sick for a while.  I was trying to get on leave from work, but I wasn't eligible for any leaves.  I was feeling more and more like I was need in other places, and that in my current position I couldn't fulfill all the roles that I needed to.  I was feeling like maybe that's why Father told me to quit my job.  What I would be doing as a stay at home mom would be far better, and the reason I was needed away from the workplace. When I woke up the next morning I felt that it was wrong to do stay.  I couldn't wait.  Father needed me to quit now, and I wasn't sure the reason why, but it was what He was asking.  I knew he was also probably getting to the end of His patience with me, so I put in my 2 weeks notice and quit my job.  School started right after that and things got busy with keeping up with the schedule for the kids and making sure things were being done around the house as well.  Matthew was working at his new job and I was taking care of the house and kids.  I also had more time to devote to my church callings and to my family as well.  I have not regretted the decision I made, because I know that it was made with help of the spirit, and He has been guiding me through the whole process.
          Things have been pretty tight financially.  Especially here at the Christmas season it is being keenly felt by Matthew and me.  We have been praying for help and went to the Bishop to see if we could get a little help.  Matthew is working lots of overtime, and he's applied for another job as well to see if he gets that it will ease things up a little.  Affording some things for Christmas was hard, but we were blessed yet again by Matthew's parents.  My parents were SO amazing and helped us even further out of the problem, and we've had lots of prayers and help by those close to us in our ward and our friends.  But I've still had those thoughts in the back of my mind that people don't agree with the decision made for me to stay at home.  Which has made me feel a lot of guilt over the help and outpouring of love we've received.
          Along with the guilt comes thoughts of just going out and getting a job.  I pray about it at least once a week if I need to go back to work.  And everytime I ask I get a resounding NO.  I wish that people could understand and support the decision sometimes. I know I made the right decision, but having people in my life be against it has been hard, and adds more stress to my life because I feel like I let them down.  But I'm trying not to let Heavenly Father down, so why am I being punished for trying to be good and listen to God?
          I was at Jiffy Lube today trying to get the oil changed in our vehicles and get the registration taken care of since both cars bad been expired.  I started reading the Book of Mormon again, out loud in spanish, starting this month.  I haven't gotten very far, but i try to read every few days or so.  I decided to read out loud since I was there alone and I could practice my pronunciation a little bit.  I also thought it might heal and soothe my troubled heart.  As I was reading I came across a familiar scripture in 1 Nephi 3:7.  Lehi is telling his sons to go and get the plates from Laban.  Laman and Lemuel are of course complaining, and Lehi is telling them hey, look guys.  It's not like I'm asking you to do it, but the Lord is asking you to do it.  And Nephi, who is the youngest brother in the family at this point, says that he will go and do what the Lord has commanded.  He knows that the Lord will prepare a way for him to accomplish getting the plates.  I know that my choice to quit my job and be a stay at home mother was right.  I also know that, like Nephi, the Lord will prepare a way for us to be able to accomplish having Matthew be the sole provider of our family and for me to stay at home and fulfill my sacred role as a mother.  It hit me so hard that I am doing the right thing.  I may be persecuted for it, but I am doing the right thing and Father is teaching me how to fulfill other roles in my life better, and this is a time for Matthew to be learning how to provide and move forward with his plans and dreams to be able to do so adequately.  I know EXACTLY why Father wanted this for us. I know my purpose and the plan He has for me and my family right now.  No one else does, and that's ok.  My full trust needs to be in God and His plan, not what every one else around me is saying.  That's not to say I don't want their opinion or their wisdom.  Because I do.  But maybe I'm learning that what I need more is unconditional support and strength because I AM trying to do as the Lord is commanding me right now.  Maybe I just need someone to be proud of me for that.  Maybe I just need to only rely on Father being proud of me, and that will be good enough.
          As I continued reading in the scriptures the story of when Nephi goes with his brothers to get the plates unfolded.  They tried a couple of different ways, and when those ways failed, Laman and Lemuel started to murmur against Nephi and the whole issue.  Then they actually started to beat Nephi and Sam.  But an angel appeared and reprimanded them.  The angel basically told Laman and Lemuel that they shouldn't be beating their brothers who are only trying to follow what the Lord has told them.  That hit me pretty hard as well.  I feel that I am being beaten up emotionally, and it is all because I am trying to follow the Lord.  Instead of getting support from those I love I am getting judged and ridiculed for my choice, even though it was based in the spirit and the will of my Father in Heaven.  And right after this happens, the angel tells them to go back another time, and the Lord would deliver Laban into their hands.  Father kept his promise.  He did prepare a way for them to accomplish what He had asked them.  And it was only after the trial of their faith.  After them trying a few times on their own, then He stepped in to help them.  He spoke through the spirit to Nephi to be able to take care of it, because Nephi was faithful.  I am going to follow the example of Nephi, and I am going to keep trying, and keep moving forward.  I am going to continue to listen to the spirit so that we can receive the blessings of faithfulness and obedience.  Because I know that Father has prepared the way, and I believe we have found what He wants us to do.  Now I am ready to go and get it.