The Way Things Go

     I have been spending time with my Mom the last couple of weeks.  She had knee replacement surgery and I took some time off of work to go and help with her recovery.  I'm really happy and excited to have this time with my mom because I don't get to see her as often as I would love to.  It's been great to be able to be with her and help her in a different way and get to spend time with her.  I don't know how much she really enjoyed it. Being in pain and not being able to bend  your knee if very frustrating, but she was a trooper!  We went in early in the morning, and she did all the testing they needed then I helped her to get ready in her lovely hospital gown for the surgery.  She did great during surgery!  She was waking up and fully conscious as they brought her into the hospital room.  The surgery took a little over 2 hours.  The Dr (Dr. Nelson) told us that he was able to fix everything and even make it so she will walk straight again.  We laughed and told him that maybe we REALLY won't be able to catch her now!  Mom had a great attitude and gumption through the whole thing.  She went in without any pre-conceived notions about how things would be and she just did things in her own Holly-Dolly way.  Everyone in the hospital was impressed with how well she did after surgery and getting around.  She did really great on her exercises and the physical therapist said that they were very happy and impressed with her progression while in the hospital.  I helped get the house cleaned up and ready for when she came home and she was sure happy to be home.  She was even able to manage getting into a bed to relax.  She had her CPM machine and the ice machine on for the first couple of days almost constantly when she wasn't walking around and doing her therapy stuff.  She had a great therapist that came to the house for the first couple of weeks, Susan Kingsbury.  She was really great at helping mom figure out things that would help strengthen the muscles around and above the knee so she could get a better bend.  She was able to lay the leg out flat with no issues, but working on the bend tended to be a little more tricky.  She had twisted her knee a couple times getting in and out of bed, so she figured out a way to use her belt to allow her to move the leg over the edge of the bed without twisting it, and that helped A LOT.  She just became more and more independent each day.  She had some visitors come to see her as well.  Aunt Michelle B and Misty came to see her. Aunt Michelle B also had her knee replacement done a couple weeks ago so she wanted to see how Mom was doing with everything.  Grandma Jeppesen also came to see her and a few other people as well.  She has been doing great ever since.  Her post-op appointment with the Dr went really well and she is going to out-patient therapy now.  She is walking all over the place and wearing her regular clothes now.  Things are going well, and I'm impressed.  Mom is such an example of how things can be if we have a good attitude and give it our all.  Not wait for someone else to do the work or to pity you, but to use the people around you as your cheerleaders instead and know that you can do anything you set your mind to, no matter how easy or hard it may seem. 

     Matthew and I have also been trying to refinance the house.  It has been a nightmare, and every time we think we are closing they ask for more stuff.  Anything to do with housing stuff is REALLY stressful!  It is really close I think though now. The appraisal came back at $205,000 is what the house is worth which is really great!  We were going to take out a little cash to finish paying off all the debt that we have, but it seems the city won't let us do that.  So, they are still getting us a little cash back and things seem to be going fine, for now.  Hopefully they will tell us soon that we are closing on it.  It has taken a bit of time but it is a milestone for us, and will save us the extra money necessary so that I can be a stay at home mom next year.  Things are moving right along, and we are hoping to be debt free (except the house of course) by the end of the year.  Finger's crossed!
   
     Matthew and I have also been trying to get pregnant again.  I was ok just having the 2 kids, but Heavenly Father keeps nagging at me that there is at least one more that needs to come to our home.  I have been back on the meds to do that, I am now on Thyroid medication, and my hormones are out of whack and so my moods have been everywhere, but all in all, things have been happy.  However, I was reminded this morning just how awful things can seem sometimes when trying to get pregnant and have another baby.  I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  Although, I ovulated on day 25 of my cycle.  Anyone that knows anything about this is aware that this is REALLY late in a woman's cycle to be ovulating.  Needless to say it didn't work, and my Dr is now wanting me to try and get my cycles a little bit more regulated before trying again.  You would think I would be used to this by now, but it still gets to me every time.  I'm thinking if we don't get pregnant this month I am going to take a break and work on getting my physical health back in line.  I have made some goals, and actually made a goal with my sister in law, Eve, that we will do Zumba 2 times a week!  I am excited to have someone else that will do it with me.  If I can do that and some dance exercises and some other small things on my list then I will feel like I am making progress.  I know that means I need to watch what I eat, and I am working on a plan for that as well.  That's a little harder for me, but I was able to make some amazing strides last year, so hopefully I can again, and with the right medications keeping my horomones in check maybe it will work. :)  I didn't start out wanting another baby, but I think it will be a huge blessing, and now I really do want one.  I need to get myself in the right shape for it.  Although, I did just hear today that Matthew will get up to 4 weeks of paid time off when I have another baby! So, that is GREAT!  We've never had that before and I think that will help us get through that first month of having a new baby in the house.  Heavenly Father is mindful of us even if the timing for the actual baby isn't right for the moment. 

     So, sometimes, this is the way things go.  There are things that are so frustrating, and there are things that feel so hopeless.  And then there are things to get excited about and to work towards.  I am getting ready to set new goals and renew myself again and be active.  I am going to keep myself busy doing things that are worthwhile and reaching towards my ultimate goals.  I hope that I am able to make it, and I know that with a great support system and a good attitude I can do it.  :)

Doing as the Lord Commands

So, I guess I just wanted to write something here about how I'm feeling about a particular subject.  It helps me to sort out how I feel and find a solution based on what the spirit is trying to tell me, not the other million voices inside my head.
     Having children has been one of the biggest blessings on my life.  I'll start with that. They are my everything.  I love having them, and seeing them grow, and seeing the happiness they bring to me and others.  I love being able to hold and cuddle them and having them with me for the time I am actually home during the day.  There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. 
    However, it is definitely a lot of work having children.  Taking care of 2 very active, very outgoing and energetic young boys is about all I can achieve in a day.  No matter how much people tell you about being tired you never truly understand that until you go through it.  You never truly understand how stressful it can be to think about the future you want for those little people the Lord has put in your charge.  You never really fully appreciate the spectrum of what your parents must have gone through in order to raise you, even if you weren't super problematic as a child.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm overwhelmed much of the time, and I can hardly think about adding a third little person to our family.  I thought to myself, maybe this is it.  I can handle being the mother of 2 cute and adorable little boys.  I can expend all my energies to making sure they have a good home and food, and teaching them all the things they will need to know to have a good life and then to return to live with our Father in Heaven after this life is over. 
    BUT. . . . .

This is not what Heavenly Father thinks I should do.  The feeling has kept coming back to me over and over again that there is at least one more little person meant to come to our family.  I am totally fine with that!  Sometimes I even get excited thinking about having another little baby in the house.  But then I think about all that would entail.  I would have to put myself through a regimen of medications and doctors visits just to get pregnant. And each month that it doesn't happen will get worse and worse.  And, if I were to end up pregnant after all how do I deal with all the symptoms of pregnancy and still deal with my 2 precious little people I already have?  How do I deal with breastfeeding, and house-cleaning, and all those things that mothers do?  How do mothers with a ton of kids DO this?  I take off my hat to such women, because you are the type of women that the world needs.  I have much to learn, and hope to be able to get that from your examples.  Now, I'm not naive enough to think that even those mothers don't have their moments of frustration and dirty houses, and the children doing things that embarrass them or drive them crazy.  But the fact that they keep going is what is impressive. They keep doing what they know is right, and in their case that may be bringing another child into this world.  So, what's my problem?  Why am I having such an issue with wanting this?
     Matthew and I have started trying again to have another baby.  We both have admitted that we are nervous and even down-right scared to do it again.  We also know that if the Lord tells you to do something, He means for you to do it and learn from it.  I don't want to feel like the only reason we are trying to have a baby is because God said to, but that's about how it feels right now.  I am trying to do as the Lord has asked of me and I hope that it will be enough.  I hope that He will be there through all the pain and trauma of going through this process again.  I hope that He will carry me through those times that I feel like I can't hardly even get out of bed because of all the things going on with me.  He has a plan for me, and I am willing to follow Him.  I guess maybe I just need a reminder of the good things that come with growing a family.  And I need to remember that it isn't just about me.  It's about the life of that child that needs a home, my home.  The child that the Lord has planned to come here and for us to teach and raise and hope that everything in THEIR future will turn out alright.  I need that child here so I can learn from it, and grow as a person and a mother.  I feel broken most of the time.  My body doesn't work properly, and it seems around every turn there is another thing that is breaking down or wrong that I need fixed.  Maybe if I fix my mental and emotional state then those things won't matter. 
     Heavenly Father, I am ready.  I'm ready to go and do the things that I am commanded to do.  I know that you will provide a way, and I know that it may be hard, but there is definitely a purpose for going through the things we do in this life.  Just help me to keep perspective.   I sure hope for the best, and whatever that may be I hope that I am good with it.