Today with Matthew we prepared to teach about the Atonement in our 10 year old primary class. This is a topic that holds something special in my heart as it is the first thing I ever prayed about. It is the first real thing that I wanted to know, with a surety, for myself. I wanted to be able to teach it in a way that it would be memorable, and we probably were able to make that happen, even if it wasn't in the more spiritual way I was hoping for. Having only 20 or 25 minutes to teach about this is a challenge. But, that is why I was prompted to write something about this, for my own personal view and study of it.
I was in high school when I first started doubting that the gospel and what I was being taught in church was true. I had a friend that I spoke to often; he was part of a different religion and we used to talk a lot about the different views of each others beliefs. The more he spoke to me, the more sense it made that things really might work more the way he was telling me, not what I'd been taught my whole life. It was a turbulent time for me. I felt I needed to defend the church and the gospel from what he was saying, while at the same time I was thinking I could be wrong. I could be telling him something that is completely wrong and I needed to know, without a doubt, what was right.
I studied during that time a lot. I studied a lot of the Old and New Testaments, and I was studying things that would refute what he was telling me was wrong with the Church of Jesus Christ. He wouldn't accept anything from the Book of Mormon, because he didn't believe in it, and I was bound and determined to defend my religious beliefs from out of those books if that's all that he would believe and understand. One day however, I came to the understanding that if I was ever to get an answer for myself, then I needed to take the challenge seriously, and I needed to follow Moroni's challenge and promise found in Moroni 10: 3-5. So, I decided to do just that.
I figured I was already doing the studying part. So I started praying, fervently, for the answer to my prayers. I was asking if everything I was taught my whole life was true. Did Christ really die for me? Was He really the Son of God? Was I following Him as I should be, or should I be doing that from another religion? One of the topics that was discussed the most was the topic of Jesus Christ being Jehovah of the Old Testament, or whether he was just a prophet who did amazing things in God's name in the New Testament. I received a very bold and straightforward answer from my Heavenly Father that what I was taught from my infancy was true. I won't go into detail about that dream, because it's deeply personal to me and I don't feel this is the proper place to talk about it, however I didn't need to wonder any longer. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is the most central thing in the gospel. Without it, none of the rest of this is even worth going through, because it wouldn't be possible to even make it through without it. As I've grown and learned more about the Atonement and what it means in the gospel, it has taken on new meanings for me as well. I have learned new and interesting aspects that I never saw before, and I understand more than I ever thought possible. That is simply because, in utilizing the Atonement appropriately, it has helped me see and grow in understanding of the gospel and how the plan actually works.
I keep thinking of the Kevin Bacon game. You name something, and then keep naming things that pertain to that subject until you can link it back to Kevin Bacon. I believe the same could be applied to the Atonement of Christ. Choose any gospel topic or issue, and you can relate it all the way back to the Atonement. It is the greatest act of love and selflessness the world has ever known and without it, there would be nothing. There would be no hope; hope of a brighter future, hope of overcoming sin, hope of overcoming death, nothing. There would be no hope of being able to live with our families again or being able to live in the Celestial Kingdom in the next life.
There are a couple of things that I was taught about the Atonement that I have never forgotten. I don't recall if I heard these in conference, or a seminary class but I know they changed my life. One of those things is that, if we sin intentionally, it causes Christ more pain, more anguish, more suffering for which I can't ever repay Him. I don't have to choose to make bad choices, I can do my best to make right choices so I don't cause Him more of those awful and horrible experiences. It also is a mockery of the Atonement, and even though we can repent in this life because of Christ's selflessness, if we are intentionally doing things and then saying we will repent later, that will not be tolerated at all by God at judgement. That becomes a piece of what is in our hearts, and if our hearts are deceitful God will see through that and that sacrifice may not apply to us then. For how we live on this earth, how we think, that is how we'll be in the next life, so we want to make sure that our intentions are pure and honest and heartfelt.
One of the other things that I was taught concerning the Atonement that I've remembered is that if Christ hadn't made that sacrifice for us, if he hadn't gone through all the pain, and sorrow, and feelings of betrayal and loneliness, then for each sin I would have to suffer as well. This hit me especially hard after I gained my testimony of the Atonement through a dream. It reminds me of the story of Alma the younger, and he was struck dumb for 2 days and 2 nights, and on the 3rd day he was given strength back in his body and he told everyone there of how he had spent the time repenting, nigh unto death. He suffered some SMALL amount in the way that Christ suffered for our sins. The dream I had drove this home, and I have never EVER forgotten that. While I was teaching this to my class today one of the girls asked if we just stood still, stayed in one place the whole time we're here on earth with just eating and drinking if that would solve our problem. I told her no, because in the D&C we learn that he who must be commanded in all things is a slothful servant, and we need to be anxiously engaged in a good cause. We can't just live in a bubble and hope to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. We needs works, acts of faith, learning about the different emotions and how to handle those emotions in a health and appropriate way. We need experience, and we need to know the difference between right and wrong and we learn that through opposition. So, even though it would just be easier, we need to go through all life gives us, the good AND the bad.
Something that helps me keep things in perspective in a world that's always throwing things at us and wants us to get caught up in the monotony of it all is all that Christ went through. I know that we don't focus on the death of Christ. That isn't NEARLY as important as remembering that He was resurrected and because of this, we will also be resurrected and will live again, forever. He overcame death in this way, and now he can be our mediator so we can have that same gift. But all that He went through is what keeps things in perspective for me. Following the timeline of what happened from the time he came back into Jerusalem and held the last supper. He washed the feet of his disciples and taught them of service and things they needed to know before He had to suffer for THEIR shortcomings. Then He went to the Garden. He asked them to please watch and pray, and then HE went to pray. That is most certainly a great example of how prayer can change someones life, or in this case, the lives of everyone who ever lived, and who ever will live on this earth. He went through so much, exhausted and drained physically and emotionally. Even an angel was sent to uphold Him during this time. He went back out to the apostles and they were sleeping. If I was doing something SO painful and life changing as this for someone, I'd be a little offended and upset that my friends had fallen asleep. They couldn't even pray for me while I was suffering for all of their sins and sorrows. He wasn't like that. He just woke them, and asked them again to watch and pray and went back into the garden to pray and go through more pain to pay for all that we needed from Him.
He was betrayed, by one who claimed to love him, yet it seemed he loved money more than his Master. Judas spent every day with the Savior. He saw Him perform miracles and raise the dead. He heard him speak, and listened to the gospel at every turn. And yet he sought out to betray Him. Even though it was hard for Christ to go through, I know that He understands how that feels, and that has given me great comfort in my life when I've felt betrayed. He was up all night, on trial at Caiaphas's house. Even though it was illegal for them to be doing that, and the way they went about it was against their own laws, they did it. Once they came to their decision, he was taken to the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, and he was put on trial again. Pilate found Christ to be innocent, and knowing that it was the tradition of the Jews to forgive one criminal over the passover, he gave them a chance to save Christ. He gave them a choice between Him and Barabbas, the seditionist and murderer. They decided to let the murderer go free and punish Christ instead! So, Pilate told him to go and they would inflict 40 lashes upon him.
They used a cat of nine tails. The put a crown of thorns on his head to mock him and they watched as he received this punishment. His skin torn and hanging from his body and he still moved ever forward. Never complaining, never stopping, Christ went back and they wanted Him crucified. So, after all the pain of Gethsemane, after all the pain of being flogged, and after all the emotional and physical things he'd gone through, he still had more to go. He had to carry the crossbeam he was to be nailed to up to the hill to be essentially tortured to death. He couldn't even make it that far. They had someone else carry the beam the rest of the way, Simon. There is a beautiful song written about Simon and how he felt about carrying the cross beam for Christ to be killed.
He was layed down on the cross and not just tied to it, like the 2 thieves that were there to die next to Him; He was nailed to it. And because they were worried about his weight pulling through the nails, they also put nails into his wrists. He was put up with a sign saying he was the King of the Jews and then he suffered there, some more, for several hours. Crucifixion is a terrible way to be killed. It is a slow and torturous way to suffocate someone. I can't imagine having to go through all the things that Christ did, and at this point, before He could give up the ghost, He was even meant to know what it was like to be alone, with no one. He had the spirit and His father with Him throughout His whole life, and at this crucial juncture, when you would want your Dad the most, He wasn't there. He needed to know what that was like so He could succor us at times when we feel completely and utterly alone. I am so grateful for this part of the Savior's sacrifice, because I know truly and well what it's like to feel completely and utterly alone, with no one there to feel you can trust or hold onto to help you through life's trial.
Christ still showed such great love and compassion while suffering in this way. He asks the Father to forgive the Romans, for they know not what they do. I have a hard time forgiving sometimes. But if Christ was able to forgive the people who were torturing and killing Him, why can't I? I'm sure it was a great relief to Him when He could finally be done, and died. A lot of people feel that way. Ones that suffer through mental illnesses and other trials in life sometimes feel like it's not worth living and that it will all stop once you're gone. Christ suffered like no one has suffered. And yet it did still leave a print on those He left behind. So if nothing else, Christ understands what it feels like to be at your limit and feel like you can't go any longer, and yet He did. He kept going and only gave it up when it was done so we all could have power over death. He will understand those people and be able to help them when they need it as well, and in a way that is far more empathetic than most people.
Sometimes life is hard, and it becomes almost too much to bear. I have utilized the power of the Savior's atonement many times throughout my life. The relationships with my family members, with the family I married into, when I was trying to have children, when I was learning to be a mother, death, feeling completely and totally inadequate in everything I do in all aspects of my life, and trials in motherhood and marriage to name just a very few.
I know without any doubt in my mind that Jesus is the Christ. He came here, and lived a perfect life. He KNOWINGLY came here, and suffered for my sins, my pains, my sorrows, my everything. He went through so much and gave me a perfect example of how I should live. He understands me when no one else does. I will be forever grateful for those days in high school that made me wonder, that made me doubt. I'm so grateful that I made the choice to know for myself and gain that testimony. It is priceless, and I continue to treasure that for forever.
HE IS RISEN!!!!
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