Dang is it a struggle to keep being myself and keep pursuing my personal goals in the midst of it all.
I have been married about 10.5 years now. I have learned a lot over those years and have learned some things about myself. Learned some misconceptions I had about growing up, what that really means, the sacrifices that are made, and what you end up coming out looking like. I don't mean looking like, as in, just my looks. I mean the way I am, my personality, my good, my bad, my ugly, and the beautiful. The things that matter to me, the things that make me irreplaceable-y me.
Growing up the things that were most important to me, that defined me, are very different than what they are today. However, I thought those things that I grew up with were going to be the things that I ALWAYS had with me. Things that I would always be good at and people would look at me and be like, "yep, that's totally Priscilla". The things that make me feel like, well, me!!
GROWING UP
I was a hard worker. I learned from a really young age that helping my mom keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids, learning to cook, all those things were things that I felt like were great qualities about me. My mother always called me her little helper and she always would leave me in charge because she trusted me. I always wanted to make her proud and I figured the best way to get some attention in a REALLY big family was to be my mother's right hand daughter. I also felt it was my duty to some extent because I was also the OLDEST daughter.
I LOVED dancing. I feel like dancing is a part of my that will never, EVER go away. It came easy to me, naturally. It made me feel good physically and helped me to stay in shape for a number of years. It taught me how to be graceful, taught me how to have control of my muscles and my body. It was so filled with emotion that you don't have to actually vocalize to anyone that it was the best way to get my feelings across and feel free! There is just nothing like being able to dance and go with the flow of the music. Learning new things, being flexible, and learning to dance with a team. Competing was amazing, and I'll never be able to fully describe the full depth of feeling I have for dancing. I think in a way, it helped me to overcome some of my introverted and shy nature as a kid.
Piano and music are something that are part of who I am. The things they have taught me and how the music can take over me, teach me, give me a sense of feeling that you can't get any other way. I have always loved singing and playing the piano. My singing voice isn't that great, but I have learned that doesn't matter so much as trying to improve. I only spent 1 year learning to play the piano. That's not a lot of time, but it was enough that I learned how to read music. If you can read music, you can do anything! My parents couldn't afford to do a lot of lessons, and the year that I had piano I wasn't very good at practicing. So, they told me no more lessons since I wasn't practicing, and I wasn't really keen on moving forward with it anyhow. After a couple of years though I felt bad. My mother really did want me to learn to be a pianist, so I decided to put to good use the information that I DID get from piano lessons and I taught myself how to play. I can't say I'm super great, but it's enough to sing at home and to play at church if needed. It helps me to get out some of my pain and sadness. Playing puts me in a place all it's own. It's very freeing. I know that I was annoying to my family growing up because I would practice a piece over and over until I got it down well, with no mistakes. So, they may not feel the same way as I do about it, but I LOVE it. It helps me to re-focus myself on things that actually need my attention. Gives me a way to decompress and de-stress as well. Singing, as I said earlier, isn't one of my better talents, but being married to Matthew has certainly helped it. I took some lessons while he was on his mission and after we were married Matthew was part of an a capella group at BYU. I learned a lot from that, even though I wasn't in the group. It made me more confident in myself and my ability to make up parts to go along with a song.
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
These are the things that I consistently link with who I am. It probably sounds weird but there it is. After seeing it in type, it doesn't seem like that much or even a big deal, but those things were my whole life. They were everything that I thought made me have worth in anyone's eyes and without them I didn't know really what or who I was.
I also thought there would be certain things that I accomplished in my life. This is how I thought my life would go: I would grow up and serve a mission. I might do college, but wasn't sure what I would even study because the only thing I was interested in was Dancing and I didn't know how to make a good career out of it. It's hard to become a dancer and keep your standards also. So I floated through school telling my counselor's that I wanted to be a dancer. I figured that I would just find some job that would be enough and I would serve several missions and die an old maid, which I was fine with. Then after a few years and turning into a teenager I decided that I wanted to get married, but I didn't think that would happen for a LONG time. I was certain that I would get out of high school, serve a mission or 2, and then when I was around 30 I would find someone to marry. I didn't think guys in high school were even worth going after, so I'd need to wait until they were back from a mission. How I was going to meet them in a small town and not going to college didn't really cross my mind. But, I was content with the idea. I vaguely remembered that my patriarchal blessing talked about getting married, but I didn't remember it saying in this life. If I died an old maid I was going to see if one of the stripling warriors was available on the other side.
I met my husband on the first day of school my senior year, and I didn't really know it then, but that day changed my life forever. Ever since then we have always been best friends. We both served missions and got married, and then moved to Provo for him to finish school. I learned a lot about myself then. I didn't even blink in the face of moving somewhere farther from home than anyone else in my immediate family. I had a solid job, was offered a bunch more money to stay on and be a manager, which I turned down. I was free to play the piano whenever I wanted and I was taking dance classes for adults which was amazing! They are really hard to find, actually. So, when I moved to Provo I didn't know just what I was giving up. I thought for sure things would be as follows:
Matthew would finish his degree, I would get to go to school and do dance education. I wanted to have my own dance studio. We would have children, buy a house and he would be a seminary teacher and I would be a dance teacher and all would be well. However, that's not exactly how life went for us. After a few years of doing school Matthew ended up needing to take a break, and because of that he didn't have a job, so he applied for one he said he'd NEVER work at to make sure he could take care of us. About a year and 9 months into our marriage we received inspiration from Heavenly Father that we were to start trying to start a family. So, over the course of time Matthew was in school and I was working a full time job to support us I was also trying to get pregnant, and that was one of the hardest trials of my life. My plans changed infinitely, but I still didn't really realize what I was giving up in order to become a mother. I didn't really understand what I had given up and sacrificed to be a wife, and I didn't understand how different my life had become, and the things I had thought when I was younger were moving farther and farther away. I was more focused on what was in front of me to look back too far. I didn't really miss those things at first, but as time wore on, and as things started settling down into a rhythm I started to see things differently. I started to see that I wasn't playing the piano. It has been years since I've seriously sit down to play. I don't know if I could even play well if I tried. I haven't danced in EVEN LONGER. I lost that part of my weekly grind when I moved to Provo. There aren't any studios that I've ever found that teach an adult class of tap or jazz or something. It's been a point of sadness for me for a couple years now. Music has still been a huge part of my life because of the A Capella club and Matthew's group he belonged to for a while. I actually made one of my best friends ever because of that group, so I'll always be so grateful for that. I gave up a lot of my former self to become a wife and mother, and for the longest time I was sad about it. I don't WANT to give up on the things that I love. I have felt that, although I love them now and I am definitely NOT sad that I do them, my husband's interests and things he wants to do are a HUGE part of my life, while the things that I find to be more my things, the things that make me feel like Person Priscilla instead of Wife Priscilla or Momma Priscilla, haven't been a big part of my life almost since I got married. Matthew is very supportive, and he would NEVER tell me that I couldn't do things I wanted to. It's just finding a place to do them, and not feeling selfish or like I'm making things hard on the family if I do.
I've also realized that the things I would call talents, the things that I told myself over and over I'm good at and will help so many people, actually aren't viable talents in the world today. I don't have a secondary education at a college, I'm not exactly creative and have lots of abilities that help me get better jobs. Matthew does. I haven't always had a way to make friends, and when I put myself out there, more often than not I'm ignored or pushed aside, and all I've wanted is a friend, someone to understand me and what I'm going through. Someone I can talk to, who can be there for me, and I can be all those things for them as well. The one person I found moved back home, out of state, and I found myself alone. So, things had to evolve. I had to keep pushing forward and finding things about myself that are still uniquely "Person Priscilla". I have found that I'm a great worker. That hasn't changed over the years. I've pushed myself, and hold myself to a schedule. Have I had to learn how to be more flexible with the schedule and not get upset at myself or circumstances that make it impossible sometimes for me to get everything done I wanted? Of course I have! I feel like I've learned so much over the last 10+ years of my marriage. How I deal with situations, the things that are really important to me, the people that I associate with and I keep in my life. I've learned about loss, I've learned about my health and the importance of it. I've learned about how important it is, no matter how strong your marriage is, to keep on trying harder and harder every day. I've learned patience, in everyday life and in difficult and painful situations. I've learned how to get over other people's expectations of me and just look at the expectations I hold myself to and Heavenly Father has of me. Those are the only 2 that really matter. And that of the family I'm raising. And even then, I know they won't always like me or like what I do, but I will still do right by them because one day it will all pay off and have been worth it.
Something I am just realizing right now, as I write this, is that the talents that I had before aren't the same as the ones I'm trying to collect now. And the ones I'm trying to collect now are FAR more important. I want to be like the wives of the general authorities and be amazing. I want to be patient, loving, kind, diligent, and non-judgmental. I want to help people see the best in themselves and serve until I die. I want to be the person that helps those who have lost the way, because believe it or not, I've been there. And I've had some amazing spiritual experiences that have helped me shape who I am and who I will need to be in the future for my husband, my children, and any of the people I come in contact with that the Lord has in store for me. Do I still wish I had some of those original things at my disposal? Of course, and I will probably still try to get those things in my life in some way. However, I'm very glad and grateful for the things that I have now, and that they are helping me to be a better person so I can teach my kids important things, not just be someone important in the world. I want to be able to be with my family forever, and that's WAY more important than having all the talents and dreams that this world deems as being successful. I've only added to myself, not subtracted by doing the things that were right in front of me, the things that the Lord saw fit to give me to handle. I'm hoping He's proud of the way I've handled them for the most part. I know that I'm still imperfect, and I still have a lot to learn, but I'm still holding strong to my beliefs and moving forward.
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