Lately things have been rough for me. I don't feel any more stressed than usual, but I feel sick. And not just the normal "I have a head cold" sick, but I was depressed or something. I don't get it. I don't have any reason to feel that way. I am incredibly blessed and am so happy with where life is headed right now. I am learning to find joy in the daily grind of life and make happy memories. Then, while I was at work the other day I think I had an actual panic attack, some kind of anxiety thing. I felt completely out of control, and I didn't understand why it would be happening. It has never happened before. And I didn't feel as if there was something that I should be stressing out about badly enough to have one, but there it was. It made me contemplate on things that could be causing it, and what I can do to fight back.
Lately I have felt my lack of spirituality. Not that I'm a bad person, but that I could be doing WAY better on certain "Sunday School Answers" in my life. I could be praying more. I could be studying the scriptures more, and I could definitely be attending church meetings and the temple more often. So, in small ways I am trying to help those goals. I try to study the scriptures and words of the prophets while I'm at work. I talk with Michael and Ammon about Jesus and try to pray with them more. I have a goal to go to the temple at least once a month. So, all in all things are going pretty well. And this is where I think some of the problem is coming from. I know some of it is probably from taking certain supplements, and I need to decrease my intake. But, I think that there is someone out there that is trying really hard to derail me. I think the Adversary is trying to get at me a little harder than normal because I am trying harder to be better. And why shouldn't he? It's his plan to bring others down with him, and especially those who are trying to hard to beat him. I read something on facebook the other day I wanted to share. It is written in the same style as C.S. Lewis' the Screwtape Letters. And it hit the nail very hard on the head.
My Dear Wormwood,
I was thrilled to hear you have been making progress with the mother. You have a good lead, from what I hear. She’s feels over-worked, unappreciated, and discouraged? I’m so glad to hear it. If you tread carefully, this can be a great opportunity. With the kids waking her up every hour last night, we already have an advantage. A tired Mom makes for a more emotional Mom, and an emotional Mom is a vulnerable one.
I do have a few tips. First, aim your best efforts at her marriage.
As you know, we cannot do much with a unified marriage. Luckily for us, a cranky and exhausted wife can do wonders to change that. We must convince her that her husband is no longer the friend and ally she first married. Instead, we must reveal every sin and selfish habit, especially drawing attention to his thoughtless actions (mal-intended or not) against her.
Sometimes it’s the less obvious things, things the husband doesn’t even realize, that we can use to offend her the most. When he comes home from work and dumps his things on the counter nearest the door (instead of hanging his coat or putting away his keys), let her think of it as a direct assault on her work as a homekeeper. When he treks mud in with his shoes, let her think it is because he does not love her. Such extremes of thought may seem ridiculous to you or I, but to the exhausted mortal woman, it can seem possible. Your goal is to make her think the husband does not notice, or even better, that he does not care about her efforts at home.
Secondly, do what you can to keep her focused on her troubles and pains. Remind her how much her back aches, how draining the children were all day, and how many undone tasks still beckon her. Do not let her wonder what difficulties her husband faced that day or whether his back might also be aching. Valuing others above oneself is one of those silly, though strangely effective, tactics of the Enemy. If she stops to make him a cup of coffee, the next thing you know she’ll be rubbing his shoulders and flirting with him on the couch. It can progress out of your control if you’re not careful.Along those lines, be sure the Mother starts to value productivity above everything else. Have her wake up early and work non-stop until bedtime. If the husband relaxes in the evening with an hour of computer gaming, be sure the wife notices the pile of unfolded laundry or unswept floors. Do not let her grab a book and relax alongside her husband. Diligence, often one of the Enemy’s virtues, when overdone can be used to our advantage as well. Convince her that as long as there is a shred of work to be done (and there always is), no one should be resting. Then, as she folds and sweeps and he sits, you can introduce the sweet bitterness of resentment.
A word of caution here. Remember, the love of a husband can be dangerous to our cause. If he senses her unhappiness, he may begin to help or (even worse) show her affection. This is where previously planted seeds of resentment can be guided into full bloom. Make her think that his displays of affection are because he “only wants one thing”. Do not let her view his help with the dishes (or kisses or cuddling) as having pure motives. If he shows his desire for her, convince her that she is being used, not loved. As we both know, the ultimate Act of Marriage can bond them together in a way that can undo much hard work on our part. Because of this, do not allow her to prioritize that Act on her mental to-do-list. It is in our best interest to keep the wife busy, busy, busy and be sure she’s far too exhausted to consider it by the end of the evening.
Now, onto the children. Lovely little opportunities for us, the children, especially the little ones. We all know that children are a favorite tool of the Enemy. He calls them Blessings and Gifts and calls parents to lay down their lives for them, just as his Son did. Insane, I know. We must convince her that the obnoxious little people she has charge of are not really worth her sacrifice. When the Mother first dreamed of having children, she probably imagined large, innocent eyes and chubby, happy grins taking up the majority of her days. Do your best to shatter those expectations.
Instead, draw attention to how much they take from her. Let them take and take and take… And need and need and need, until the Mother feels totally spent. Let them start crying at the same time for the most irrational of reasons. Let the noise bother her. Let their bad behavior surprise her. Do your best to make the day-to-day monotony of diaper changes, meals, and baths seem simultaneously overwhelming and beneath her. Let her think of all the better, more important things she could be doing with her life, if only she didn’t have the children.
Don’t let her think about the future responsible, faithful adults she is raising. Society changers, friends, workers, husbands or wives… Don’t let her think of them as life-long companions who will love her, converse with her, and care for her in her old age. Oh, and definitely don’t let her think about the grandchildren she might be able to see in their little grubby faces if she looked hard enough now. No, no, no… Thinking ahead to when her work bears fruit, as the Enemy calls it, is always a bad idea. Keep words like ‘heritage’ or ‘legacy’ far away from the runny noses and jelly stains of the day to day.
If there is any last piece of advice I have for you, Wormwood, it is to keep the Mother looking to her husband or family for her fulfillment and comfort. We know that the Enemy is always watching and willing to take the burdens of his children, but if we divert the Mother’s attention well enough, this fact can be forgotten. Make her look to her husband for worth and affirmation. Then, when he lets her down (as he is sure to do), she will be ours to torment. Yes, the worst thing that could happen would be for her to turn to Him with her needs and inadequacies. Once she realizes that the Enemy offers a peace that transcends her situation, our work could be utterly compromised.
Your Malevolent Uncle,
Screwtape
C.S. Lewis originally wrote the Screwtape Letters when he was in a dark place in his life. And this person, whoever it may be, that made this did it in the perfect style. It really makes you stop to contemplate exactly what I have been feeling lately. Why am I feeling so depressed, lonely, sad? Why in the world would I be having a panic attack? Why do I feel like my hormones are out of control and I can't control my feelings? There was something that happened to me last night that finally hit me over the head and gave me the answer. Here is my experience from last night.
Matthew and I had just gotten the kids down for bed, and we were able to go to sleep at a halfway decent time: Midnight. The time the Holy Ghost goes to bed, or so they say. I layed down next to Matthew, grateful for the time that we had to cuddle a little before sleeping, and all of a sudden my thoughts started whirring around in my head like a hive of bees, and they were everywhere! But it wasn't on good things. It was on scary things. Like the scary dream I had about Michael the night before, and how the bones in his head were sticking up and his brain was exposed and I was so worried about getting him to a hospital but I couldn't reach him to get him to the hospital and he just kept saying owie over and over and over and it was driving me crazy! Or a memory from when I was a kid that overtook me, or other things people have said or done to me that were hurtful, and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough. I couldn't sleep. I sat up, and took a deep breath, and I decided to pray. I said a prayer, with Matthew, and then layed back down to sleep. Instead of helping it got EVEN WORSE! I couldn't get these things out of my head, I couldn't have a clear or coherent thought. I was trying to sing, to think of happy memories, to think of all the wonderful things in my life and count blessings but it was being shut out by all of the horrible things, all the voices, all the nightmares that were trying to take precedence in my head, and they were winning. Finally, in a quiet sort of way in this crowded, loud screaming match going on in my head, I head something. The spirit of contention is not of Me, but of the devil. I got up, I asked Matthew to turn on the light, and I told him there was a presence in our home that I didn't want there, and I needed his help to get rid of it. He commanded the presence out of our home, using his priesthood and then he knelt with me and we dedicated the house, again, to make sure he couldn't come back. The spirit swept in and did it's job. We asked the Lord for help and He responded in kind, and it is one of the only times that I have felt that powerful of a response from the Lord, aside from when I gained my testimony of the gospel and a couple other small things. It was so immediate, and so peaceful, I was able to fall right to sleep after that.
Now, I've always known how the adversary works. I've always known that he likes to pray on our weaknesses and he is doing ANYTHING in his power to bring us down. Never have I felt like he was working me so hard as he has been lately. But now that I recognize it, and now that I know what is going on with me, I can fight back. I know that the things I am doing are right. I know it with my whole soul. I won't back down, and I will continue to keep making good decisions and trying my hardest. And when my best isn't good enough, I'm going to repent, and improve, and pick myself up and continue onward and upward. Because the Lord has paid the price for it. He has made it possible for me to feel good about myself, no matter what point I am at in life. He wants me to keep trying, so I will do it, since He is always trying to help save me from myself. I have always had a FIRM testimony of the Atonement. It was drilled into me by the Lord when I was 17 years old. But I am learning new things about it now. I am reminded of old things that make me see things from a new perspective. Being a wife and a mother make me appreciate the sacrifice even MORE now than I ever did before. It really puts things in perspective when things get hard. Because they WILL get hard. They are supposed to. It's how we learn and grow. Heavenly Father wants to see how we will react to certain circumstances, and others are completely out of His hands, but He helps us through those anyway, because He loves us. He loves us more than I think we are capable of believing at times, but no matter what we think, He does love us.
We took Michael today to go play at the play place in the mall. And he was running free and happy. Just kept saying to me, "Mom, I've gotta run!" I admire Michael so much. He has taught me a lot. I am so happy he has the ability to run. He may not have had the opportunity because of the clubbed foot, but thanks to modern medicine, we were able to fix that so he can imagine and run and play and have fun. He can dream of anything he wants to and nothing can hold him back. Nothing ever has, and I don't think anything ever will. I always want him to feel like he can achieve anything, as long as he gives it his all and includes the Lord in all he does. I imagine the man he will turn out to be someday, the woman he'll marry. I imagine what kind of husband and father he will be. I just know he'll be great. I know that as long as he remembers that there are things in this life that he will come up against, things that will try to hold him back to think he can't do something, I am going to remember this. I am going to remember to tell him that nothing has ever held him back, and we are behind him 100%, because he is a child of God, and he has a mission to fulfill on this earth. And as long as he can dream it, he can become it. I wish this for both of my boys, and any future children we are blessed to have. Being a mom is hard, and striving to do the things the Lords wants for us in this life is hard as well. But, remembering to enjoy the journey, and to be grateful for the little things, and for the biggest thing of all, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I know that things will always work out for my good. I may not make it through the trial without some complaints or some bruises from being on my knees, praying with everything in me that I can get through it and things will be ok, but I know that with the Lord, I will definitely get through it. May we all always feel like we "just gotta run" towards those things that are most worthwhile in this life.
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