Like everyone in this world, I made certain New Years resolutions this year. I make them every year as a matter of fact, especially after I got married. Matthew and I sit down and discuss what we want to accomplish as individuals and also as a family. We have a small, white Christmas stocking that I keep hung up year round. It is the Jesus sock, and we put our goals in it and during the year try to fulfill the goals we have set, and then we will give them to Him as a birthday present at Christmas time. This year the list is admittedly long, but not as intimidating as years past when I only set one or 2 goals for myself. This year I have a new outlook on things. I know that making goals and acheiving them is a very important part of life. Through goals we are able to recognize what we could do better, which inspires humility, and it also helps us to learn to be better, like our Saviour would want of us. I have felt so overwhelmed at times with the New Years Resolutions that it depresses me from time to time. If I mess up even a little then it is the end of the world, but not this year. This year is the just pick up from where you left off year. Just keep on going. That's why this year I chose to do things differently. I chose to set a lot of goals, but spread out over the whole year. So far it seems to be working a little better, and I don't feel as overwhelmed as I normally would at this time in years past.
The scripture in Matthew 5: 48 reads, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect." How intimidating is that? I am told to be perfect, and that is RIDICULOUSLY HARD! I make mistakes every day, and the more I think on it and ponder all the ways I am imperfect, the harder it becomes for me to even want to try. However, I've changed my way of thinking about this. I think there is a way to work toward that ever-escaping entity known as perfection. And a lot of the goals that I set this year will help me work towards that, but how to break it down so I don't feel so overwhelmed? This is what I'm trying this year.
In Jacob 2:18 we learn that "before we seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God." I always have that goal of paying off debt. And I feel every year that the exact opposite happens. There is always that desire in each one of us to want to have instant gratification, well, I guess maybe just me, but that has hindered my ability to fulfill this even the littlest bit in the past. I have had to learn things the hard way over the last 8 years of marriage just how to handle money. I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, but I do think that I have come a long way. And now I feel more committed to the goal of paying off, not ALL the debt, but a certain amount of the debt this year, and so that keeps me motivated and focused. My motivation is to want to be a stay at home mom. I was able to do that with Michael for the first year and a half of his life, and it was the best time of my life! So, I know that in order to reach that goal of perfection that I need to get this debt off of my shoulders. Now, in accordance with what Jacob is saying in the scripture I am doing that by seeking for the kindgom of God first. I am striving to very faithfully pay my tithes and offerings, and have now decided to donate monthly to the ward mission fund. I have a very firm testimony of that fund, and the way it helps young people, who couldn't otherwise afford a mission, to have that help so they can be the Lord's tools to bring people to Christ. My mission changed me in so many ways, and I am grateful for the people that donated to the ward mission fund when I was on a mission. To those people, I owe you a great debt of gratitude and may the Lord continue to bless you for helping this young woman to serve her Lord. I am also trying harder to attend all my church meetings, and have even made the goal to make it to the temple at least once a month. It is a hard goal actually, since Matthew works days and then I go to work at night, and then sometimes there are weekends that have to be worked. And finding someone to watch our kids is hard as well, since we don't have any family that lives very close. But, we are making new friends, and learning to switch off with people so we can go. I feel a desperation to be inside the temple walls. It is so peaceful there, and I can have a little time, all to myself, to think on the Lord and what He would have me do. I think that in doing these simple things, that it will help me to get the money goals acheived. It may not be fast, but it will get done, and that is all that matters.
I have been severely lacking in my personal study of the scriptures as well. I was told in my patriarchal blessing that I need to study the scriptures AND the words of the prophets. So, even though it is still hit and miss, I am trying harder to study at least something in the day. Whether it be an article in the Ensign, or to study what the next lesson will be in Relief Society. Or maybe sometimes I just flip through the scriptures and just start reading from there to see what I can glean from the hit and miss method. It has really helped me in my life, and I see a great difference in the way I react to things, and how my days and weeks go. It's amazing the things you miss that you didn't know you were missing because you didn't realize you were so far from those things in your life. It is truly helping, and studying these things and then going to church is really opening up my understanding even further on things that I have studied and learned my whole life. Interesting how the same principle can be learned over and over in different era's in our lives, and how they apply and the different aspects that we are learning to apply.
This next goal is something everyone wants I think. I want to lose weight and be healthy. It is the HARDEST thing for me, probably because I see myself in the mirror every day and think to myself how horrible I look. I know that doing everything at once and quiting things cold turkey are not the ways that will help me. I have tried that every single year of my life, and it isn't working. I understand a little better how my body works, and that has helped me to make some goals to change my lifestyle, even if it is a little at a time. So, each month this year I am doing something to change my eating/dieting lifestyle. For the month of January it was giving up any carbonated drink. I could still have a drink as long as it wasn't carbonated. I was amazed at how easy this was. I was thinking that I would be craving it all the time, because when I tell myself I can't have something it's like my body just fights me and I want it all the more. But I made it through the month without anything carbonated. :) What a great feeling that was, and now I can move on to my next goal. Feb is giving up any fruity candy. Chewy, hard candies, anything that is fruity I am giving up for the whole month. I am also going to start working out again. Not P90X or anything, I know I'm so not ready for that. But, I am trying a circut workout 3 times a week, just like 30 minutes tops. It doesn't seem like a lot, but to someone who needs to get started again after having a baby it seems like a good start. I am also taking my vitamins, and when I am no longer nursing my goal is to find a doctor that I can see and do a physical so I can see the areas that I need to improve. Then maybe I'll go back on the Phentermine to give me a little kickstart back into really losing weight. I feel hopeful about this new endeavor, and I am happy that the first month went so well.
This last goal that I am going to share is something I have needed to work on for a while. It is hard for me, and I hope that you don't judge me too harshly, but I have learned things in the last year that make me feel I am ready to do this and succeed. I am number 3 of 7 kids in my family. I am the oldest girl. I had a lot of responsibility growing up, and I feel that as I grew up and moved on with my life I left behind some things I shouldn't have. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, all of whom are having struggles in one way or another (aren't we all?). I feel the need to be there for them. What has made that so hard in the past is when they would ask my advice on something I would tell them straight out, and they didn't like hearing what I had to say. I learned that I could have said things better. I could have shown I accepted them even with all their failings and downfalls, because I DO. I'm here to help lift them, and guide them in the Lord's path, not to judge them. I love them, I love them all with my whole heart and soul. Maybe that's why seeing them struggle and sometimes make bad decisions just kills me inside. I feel powerless to help them. I feel that they are on the cusp of greatness if they would just listen and learn from past mistakes. All I want is for them to reach the true potential I see in them, that the Lord sees. I want them to not just make it through life, but to succeed in life and feel like they have wings to fly and to do anything that they set their mind to. It is difficult, I can attest to that. But it is so worth it to go after your dreams and make yourself better in this life. I haven't really been able to do that for them. I probably sounded very harsh and judging, and so they didn't want anything to do with me. I distanced myself from them so I wouldn't get hurt anymore. And sure enough, everytime I would visit them the hurt would come up again, because in my family, YOU NEVER GET TO LIVE DOWN YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS. I would put the shields up again, and spend another few months not visiting so I could heal from the most recent hurt, that stems from something from so long ago. I have tried to forgive and move on as best as I can, and to ask forgiveness for the things I've done to them as well. I realized that no matter what they are my siblings, and I love them. And I can't do anything about their current circumstances, but I can be there for them. I don't have to agree with all their life choices, but I can love them and listen to them. If they ask for advice or what they could do, I will do whatever I can to help them get the answers they need. And if they decide not to take my advice, that's ok. I am powerless to help them make a change, that is true. But I can still do as Alma once did for his son. I can pray for them, and know that someday the Lord will help them, when they are ready. I can't imagine as a parent what it would be like for someone to see their children go astray from the teachings you hold so dear to your heart. I see my parents and all they have gone through to help their children, and I admire them so much for it. A lot of people have called them stupid, or fools for going to such lengths. But the truth is, parents aren't perfect either, but they do have a perfect love for their children and just want them to be happy. Just like our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy. He is a perfect being, and so is capable of standing by and watching us make our mistakes, although I'm sure that the pain it causes him is indescribable. As imperfect human beings on this earth sometimes we get carried away with wanting to fix the problem, and just keep giving, instead of letting them learn through the mistakes they make. We just love them so much, and it hurts us to see them suffer, especially when it's something they could easily fix, at least in our limited view. What is easy for one person is definitely not easy for another. We have to let go of those ways of thinking so we can allow for the Lord to guide us in the way to go. So, I want to be a better sister. I want my siblings to know how much I love and adore them and their families. I want them to feel that I am there, that I celebrate the things they are good at and love. I may not agree with things in their life, but I still love them and will always love them and I want to be there for them with support. In this way I think I will grow immensely as a person and maybe I will have better relationships with them as well. They will never really know all that they mean to me, and to my family.
Goals are great things, and they can be hard at times. I know that I think of a new goal to set each day, but I try to stick to the ones I am working on now so I can get better at those, and then that will allow me to be able to do the other ones I lack. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither can a person become perfect all at once. It's a little at a time, doing little things that will help us along the way. By turning to the Lord and putting priority in His teachings and in families I believe that anything is possible. 2016 will be a great year, even if there are a lot of changes and challenges, because life is what you make it, and I have chosen that through the goals I have set with God that mine will be amazing! And I hope this for everyone else as well.
The thing that makes this possible, the one thing in this life that makes striving for perfection possible is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In Him we can keep going, even when we make mistakes because He paid the price to wipe those out if we are sincere and try to improve and do better. If we can just keep going, even, and maybe especially when we've dropped the ball, He has us covered. He will plea with the Father on our behalf, so that we can make it to the next level in the life to come. I am so grateful for the Atonement in my life, and what is has afforded me. I am so grateful that I had a loving brother who didn't judge me or what I might do, but suffered for my sins, my sorrows, my heartaches and anything else I may go through to cause me to make imperfect choices. Thank you so much, for all that you do for me and for my human state of being. For this is the goal of the Lord: "To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." May I always do what I can to help Him acheive His goal since He has done so much and continues to help me to acheive mine.
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