This year has been especially hard for me. Not even sure why. I remember the beginning of 2017 and everyone had put these status things on social media that 2016 was the worst year possible for them. I actually found that 2016 was a good year for my family, a good year for me. I felt I actually accomplished a lot and that even though I failed at times I didn't beat myself up about it. I was ready to have that kind of year again in 2017. However, plans do not always go the way we want them to, and I have had to learn some things again, and start over in a different way in 2018 because of the things that happened to me last year.
We started trying to get pregnant again last year. I worked at it for several months and then decided to take a break to work on my body again. With LOTS of work and the help of a prescription I was able to lose 15 lbs in 3 months. It doesn't seem like much, but I'll be grateful for anything I can get at this point. This is one of the points of hardship I dealt with. It isn't even the most devastating thing that happened to me last year, but it's something I feel I can talk about. I'm still not pregnant, and we haven't really tried to get pregnant again because of certain circumstances that we are dealing with first. I just feel a little lost, and I'm trying to get some things in order that I know will help, and trying to get myself back in line with what the Savior wants me to do. Going to church has been hard. Dealing with 2 kids that are as active as mine are is a daunting task for someone like me. I'm not the most patient person on the whole planet and having my children constantly making noise and making me feel exposed in the presence of God and all the people in the ward makes me feel like a horrible mother and like it isn't even worth it sometimes. I definitely know that it IS worth it, but sometimes the thoughts get the better of me. I have been trying harder the last few months to get them to church, and to help them to have the same type of upbringing that I had, and I know that I have been failing. I am resolving to do better, but the guilt of the past is what is eating away at me. I know that there are things I can do to fix this in me. I have been trying to study more in the scriptures and the words of the prophets. I am trying harder to have family prayer. I am trying to have family time set aside for FHE and it is really hard when you aren't used to doing that. One thing I can say for my boys is that they are so good to help remind me when we need to be praying, and reading scriptures and doing the things the Lord would ask of us. They are so very good and I am so grateful that I was able to have both of them, and that they are helping me in my life and in the hardships I've been having.
The beginning of Dec I put in at work to move to the End of Month team. That means I am only required to work the 2 last days of the month. I don't need to go every single day anymore. I can let them know which days during the weeks I am available if they need me and I can always pick up more shifts if needed. So far it has turned out alright. Is it a little bit more strained with money? Of course it is. But we are still making ends meet and with tithing and offerings being paid I feel that it will be ok. When I made the decision I was SOLID and sure about the decision. I still am. I know it is better for me to be with my family. I know that it is better for my marriage as well. There are so many blessings to come out of this. Sometimes I don't see that and I only see the things that are hard. So, I think I need to have a jar that I put something positive in everyday. That way I can see all the positive things happening to me and being grateful for those instead of dwelling on things in the past that don't matter now and I can't change. I need to keep moving forward and I hope that this helps me to be able to do that.
One of my New Years resolutions has been that I am going to try writing in my blog again, at least on a monthly basis and try to include a few photos and things that we are doing together as a family. I have been trying to do more things that are educational with the boys. Michael is learning the sounds to all the letters and he has learned to count to 20. He also can spell his name and is trying to learn how to write it out! We are working on going up farther from there. He also loves to have reading time and learning time, loves puzzles and coloring with me. I have taken up coloring again and it is a great way I've found to bond with the boys. Ammon is learning to count, has learned his colors and shapes and is now learning his letters. He is learning how to change his clothes himself and we will soon be getting ready to try potty-training with him again. They also both love doing projects with Grandpa Roger. They helped him build the deck for the hot tub and they both LOVE swimming in it. They always come home with another tool for their toolbox. It seems they have more tools now than Matthew! Michael even told Grandpa Roger that his dad would be ok with him having a drill! LOL He can't have a drill at his age, but it's cute that he feels that way. They both are also very excited because we have booked our trip to Disneyland for this year! It is meant to be a birthday gift and Christmas for both of them and us. Also to kind of celebrate 10 years of being married this year in June. I plan on making them quilts for their birthdays because they got new bunk beds for Christmas and they have bedding, but not a quilt that finishes that for them, so we are looking at doing that soon. Ammon is really starting to come out more with his language skills and talking and he is LOVING Mickey Mouse! We can definitely see that he is starting to like things for himself and not just because his brother does. Sometimes they are so cute together and play so well. Other times I swear they are single-handedly trying to start WW3. But they are so great most of the time and they are becoming great friends. It's a great blessing of being raised with a sibling so close in age.
Something else I have been trying this month is to try different and new things in the kitchen I haven't tried. Mostly focused on baking and learning those skills. I have tried a few things and I hope that I can get better at them. I would love to go to school for it one day and learn all the science behind everything. So hoping that will be in my future sometime. I have also taken to reading a little more and coloring. Things that I can use to keep my hands busy that help me to develop my talents and learn new ones. Matthew also found a dance studio that has dance classes for adults on Wednesday nights, so I might look into that, depending on if it is expensive or not. :)
Sorry this post is kinda disjointed and weird. I will try to do better in the future, just wanted to make sure I could get SOMETHING posted. Something is better than nothing. So, here is to having a great year, and being able to do the things that are the most important in life. Hoping for a great year!!!! :)
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