Broken

              This last week was a pretty hard one for me.  Sometimes all I wanted to do is go into my closet and hide forever.  Everything seems so overwhelming.  Nothing seems to really help, and I get more stressed, and then something else bad happens and I get more stressed, then I overload and combust.  This happened to me this week.  I was feeling pretty good about life, and things actually are going pretty well, all things considered.  But, I had a moment this week.  A moment when I felt completely and utterly broken. 

 

               A few days before Halloween I started with a migraine.  I took some pills, and it didn't go away.  I am drinking at least a gallon of water a day, which I thought would help and it didn't.  So, for 4-5 days I've had this terrible migraine, and the pain killers I'm taking are only keeping it at bay, it's not really getting rid of anything.  I wish I knew what was causing it so I could get rid of it.  So, there's that.

               My milk supply went down, and I was worried and stressed over that, because even though to other people it may not be a big deal, it IS a big deal to me.  It's always something that I've wanted to do, to know that I could take care of my babies in that way.  With Michael I was only able to nurse for 3 months and then my milk supply dried up, but I've been able to go longer this time.   It's always an up and down thing, because I'm having to pump half the time because of work, but it's been working so far.  I just have to make the extra effort everyday to make sure things are going well.  When I was nursing Michael, I ended up with Mastitis 2 times.  IT IS THE WORST!  You are feeling like nothing you do could get you out of bed, you can't even really keep your eyes open and your chest hurts like nothing you've ever experienced before, but you must keep going because there is a little baby who is COMPLETELY reliant on you.  I've been able to avoid that this time.  I've had a couple of plugged ducts, and it was painful but much easier to work through than Mastitis.  Only, on top of the migraine headaches I've been getting, now there IS an onset of Mastitis, and it is really awful!  So I am battling these things, and trying to still care for the boys, and also to go to work.  It's really been exhausting.

       Well, the other day must have been the last straw for me.  I just shut down.  The baby had been crying all day, and I need to nurse him to help avert the Mastitis crisis but he won't latch on, and Michael is throwing tantrum after tantrum because he is tired, and getting him to nap was a joke.  My house was a complete mess, and we needed groceries, but there isn't money for it, and I needed to lay down because of how awful I was feeling and that couldn't happen.  I was so beside myself, didn't really know where my emotions were, or where they were supposed to be.  By the time I got home from work and nothing got better, I couldn't take it anymore.  I just lay on the bed, with my blanket, and stopped.  It felt as if all emotion was stopped inside of me.  I was a shell, for just a while.  I remember thinking to myself, "This is what Riley felt on the movie Inside Out.  Her console went black and she wasn't able to feel anything, and her islands of personality, all broken and gone, made everything seems pretty hopeless.  I'm just not winning right now."  I felt like a part of me had broken, and that part of me I will never get back.  Too much stress, too much pain, too much of everything sometimes makes it hard for us to function.  There are those that are good an faking it, but I couldn't continue faking it that day.  Matthew, knowing I needed time alone, took the boys in the other room to put them down to bed so I could just feel.  I felt alone.  I felt guilty.  I felt ugly and fat.  I felt all the things that I have been trying to suppress for so long, and then felt guilty about that as well.  I cried, and cried and cried.  I cried myself to sleep.  I don't remember anything until I remembered, late into the night, I needed to get up and pump to try and help all of that stuff heal, and make sure I have enough milk for my baby.  So I woke up and pumped.  The baby was in the cradle, and Matthew was in the other room with Michael.  I pumped, and got everything taken care of, and then I heard the baby start to rustle around.  I knew he would be waking up soon.  I got a bottle of milk out of the fridge and took it to warm it up so that by the time he was awake and screaming the bottle was ready.  (This was important because I didn't want to hear the screaming, and because our friends, who are staying with us for a couple of weeks, got in really late and were trying to sleep with their boys.)

I normally have Matthew come in and take care of Ammon while I pumped, but since I was able to get that done before he woke up, I took the initiative to feed the baby on my own and let Matthew get a little more rest.  So before Ammon could even start to squeal I picked him up and held him, and fed him the bottle.  It was so amazing to be able to feed him without stressing about nursing.  It was great to see him be so happy, and so content while I fed him.  I was able to have some real bonding time with him that I wasn't worried about anything else.  Just being with him.  He fell right back asleep and I cuddled him a little bit longer, and then layed him down so I could get Matthew from Michael's room so he could sleep in the bed.  I was able to sleep really well after that, and I felt a little piece of me come back.  A part of me that I haven't really been able to fully understand, or relate to.  The part of me that is a Mother. 

    The next day seemed to go a little smoother.  I still had a bit of a migraine, and I still do, but it's getting better.  The problem with my breast is getting better, and I feel like I may just get the hang of this.  The boys were good throughout the day, and we had a lot of fun with the Basham's and then going out to trick or treat.  Bedtime was rough again, and I started to cry, and then it was alright.  Matthew had to work, so I did Halloween with myself, and a lot of help from our friends, and I'm so grateful they were there to help me.  Janina helped me to get the baby asleep finally, and Michael and I just watched a show in my room until Matthew came home.  Then I was able to get a shower and Michael went to bed and things were a little better.  So every day gets a little better.  I learn a little more of what I need to do, and how to be able to be the Mother of 2 children, and still be Priscilla.  And if I'm broken, it's alright.  God likes broken things.   

 

BROKEN--by Kenneth Cope                                          

                                            

Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

 

Broken storms yield light

The break of day heals night

Broken pride tuns blindness into sight

 

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

Could it be that God loves broken things?

 

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

 

To break the ranks of sin

To break the news of Him

To put on Christ till His name feels broken in

 

Broken souls that need His mending

Broken hearts for offering

I believe that God loves broken things

 

And yet, our broken faith, our broken promises

Sent love to the cross

And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving

 

This broken soul that cried for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name--my God loves broken things

 

So, Broken cloud--Give rain

And borken soil--Grow grain

And broken bread--Feed man for one more day

 

I heard this song on the radio on my way to work today.  I had this song on my mission, and at one point I listened to it everyday, because there was a point that I felt broken out there as well.  But God likes broken things.  He can help us mend our souls, and to take away the burden and heartache of being broken.  He gave us a Savior, one who also loves us and gave everything He had so that we can overcome these things, overcome the feelings of helplessness and inadequacies.  2 Nephi 2:7 says,

"Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered." 

    Perhaps, the reason I had this trial was because I needed to be broken.  I needed to be able to ask Heavenly Father for help, and remember something I've known for many, many years.  That no matter what, whether we are enough, or doing everything we should be doing, or are weak or strong, or feel a little broken in any aspect of our lives, we are covered with the grace and mercy of Heavenly Father.  The love of Heavenly Father and our brother, Jesus Christ, sent Him to the cross.  Through His broken body, his broken heart and soul, we are able to be forgiven, or to have Him take our burden, because He FULLY understands it.  Maybe that's a little why we are to offer a broken heart.  He broke so much more on our behalf, and we need to feel a little of that.  Not as much as Alma the Younger, but enough that it helps us to really appreciate the sacrifice given us. 

    A good friend posted a quote on facebook that reads, "If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting."  I hope this is true.  I keep forgetting for some silly reason that our job on this earth is to learn and to grow, and probably most importantly, and hardest of all, is to endure to the end.   Enduring can sometimes seem like the most never-ending hardship in the whole world.  But with the Lord by our side everything can be borne, everything can be done.  And even this hard thing of Enduring to the End can be done with the help of our Heavenly Family. 

    I know God lives. I know He loves us.  I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior.  And I know without any doubt that things will be hard.  And it's ok.  It will all work out somehow.  With God by my side I can do anything.  I am so grateful for that knowledge.  I am so grateful for my Savior and that He loved us enough to come down here and suffer things I can't even imagine.  I know I have the trials meant for me, and the ones I'm able to handle and still learn the lessons I need to learn from this life so I can make it to the next with my family.  It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's okay to not always be perfect.  Thank you Heavenly Father.  I love you and hope you know how much I truly appreciate all that you do for me.