Truly March Madness!

          I have been trying to keep myself occupied while we are social distancing and isolating. I've been working on my children's baby books and memories and things on Shutterfly, and I thought about where all the pictures and stories are so I can do that better.  When I was pregnant with my boys I kept journals for them, and wrote in them afterwards as well.  To record things I felt were important.  I'm not as good at it as I should be, but then I remembered that at least after having Ammon I was writing consistently each month in my blog.  So, I decided, that at a time like this when some historical things are happening, that it might be time for me to make the time for that again. 
          So, I want to start with March.  March is always really special to me because it is the time when I remember that one of the greatest miracles came into my life.  Michael was born, and this year was especially eventful.  I wanted to do a party with the family, and since my Mom and brother Geoffrey needed to bring me the washer and dryer they had for us and also the piano that Geoffrey got for me I decided to do that all in the same weekend.  I didn't do a great job of taking pictures, per the norm, but I was able to take a few and we were able to enjoy time with everyone at our home.  It's not very big, but it's full of love.  I also wanted to do a party where Michael could invite 2-3 friends from school, and I was going to be texting the parents to see if I could set that up and on Michael's actual birthday, March 11, there was a worldwide pandemic announced and that we needed to start social distancing.  It's a term that basically means to quaratine or isolate, just a little less intense.  There is a virus, the Coronavirus COVID-19, that is sweeping the world right now and there is no cure, and healthcare isn't able to deal with all the cases coming on all at once.  There is also no cure, and it presents with cough, fever, shortness of breath, and tiredness.  It really just sounds like a bad cold or flu, but it actually hits some people worse than others.  If you have an auto-immune disease or different health problems or a senior (60+ years old) then you are more prone to getting it and without being able to go to the hospital, because they are overflowing in a lot of places around the world, you will die.  The severe cases have the shortness of breath, and without having enough ventilators for new cases as well as people who are already using them it is causing huge problems in the world.  So, in order to "flatten the curve" as they put it, and reduce the number of cases coming in all at once we are asked to social distance.  In some states they have closed their borders and they are on mandatory isolation and curfew restrictions.  So, it is definitely something that is crazy in history right now. The main point is that this was put into effect on Michael's birthday, so it was definitely memorable and I wasn't able to do the party with his friends like I wanted to. 
          So, after the schools have shut down and we are now doing school from home and online we have had to figure out a new normal at home.  Matthew is also doing his Nu Skin job from home, so we've converted our bedroom into an office space for him to take phone calls.  Pearson is also living with us right now, and he is required to work from home as well, so his room is also turned to office space of sorts.  In the meantime I am helping the kids with school downstairs and trying to keep them moving on it, entertained when they are done, and quiet all at the same time.  Now, while a lot of people I know are really struggling with this, I feel like I've been blessed to be prepared to deal with these issues at this time.  I'm a stay at home Mom because God told me to quit my job last year.  And some days it is harder than others, but I think we are weathering the storm pretty well, considering everything. The boys are adjusted now to the new normal, and we are working on making sure we change things up for them at different intervals to make sure that they don't go crazy or get too stressed about their school work.  We are taking daily walks, which is helping me with my weight loss goal I started the week that the COVID Pandemic started.  I'm trying to get my body back into shape to have another baby, so it's been rough that way, but the boys help me to exercise and eat consistently.  We only go out once a week for necessities at the store.  That's another blessing we have had is that we had stocked up on our food storage the week or 2 before the pandemic, so when the stores were overrun and there wasn't toilet paper or hand sanitizer or food left on the shelves, we didn't have to worry.  We just needed the perishable stuff like milk, eggs, cheese, bread, etc . . . I have my menu board and we've been better at using it so we are prepared and we aren't afraid.  We are following what the Lord has said and things are working out for us.  Not to say there aren't challenges, but I feel more confident and capable of facing them because of it.
          The other thing that changed is that the Church has suspended having meetings to help aid in flattening the curve.  The prophet, Russell M Nelson, is a Dr, and I don't think that is any coincidence.  He is leading us and helping us to stay safe and also to be able to still worship.  Because of the new Come Follow Me program that was announced in 2018 and launched in 2019 we are able to still have our lessons and our bishop authorized for the priesthood in my home, Matthew and Pearson, to be able to administer the sacrament.  It's actually been a huge blessing for our family because Matthew is able to attend church meetings now.  He works a second job on the weekends that is a graveyard job and he hasn't been able to go to church in months because of when he gets off and the time church normally starts.  So this has been amazing.  I've also been preparing to teach my children the Preach My Gospel lessons to prepare Michael for baptism next year, if he so chooses.  We were also asked to prepare for General Conference by the Prophet, as they won't be holding it in the conference center and only the speakers will be there and taking every precaution the CDC has set forth.  I will talk about conference later, but this was very exciting to me and I actually took the time to prepare. 
          The boys are doing really well.  Michael is doing great in school.  He struggles a little bit with the way that they teach the Common Core Math, but we are figuring it out and he's getting it.  Ammon is doing REALLY great and he loves doing the online ZOOM meetings with his teacher each day and then we have packets that we've picked up from the school that he does every day as well.  Michael has a packet and also online stuff he does, and we've got a pretty good system down.  We've also been playing the board games in the house, we've established what will be watched for screen time so there's no fighting, and we are just learning to use what's around us to play.  We also have downloaded on my phone the Marco Polo app, and it's like video texting.  It's amazing actually, and has helped SO MUCH!!!  The kids are able to talk to their friends and grandparents and I'm able to talk to my family and friends that live so far away.  It's been great.  One down thing is that our computer died, so we needed to see about replacing it.  We decided to, and it's an all-in-one with a touch screen.  It's been really nice and I'm very happy with how it's helping especially with the online schooling we are doing now. 
          I NEVER wanted to homeschool my kids. And a lot of people on Facebook say that this is actually not the same as homeschooling.  However, I have felt the Lord lift me and make me equal to the task.  So, I have seen a lot of blessings come from being together in isolation all the time.  I have gotten closer to my boys, I have learned how to adapt date night for always staying in, and how to entertain my boys and make sure they have avenues to work out their energy and creativity. 
          I know there are a lot of bad things happening in the world because of all of this.  The economy is suffering, but the government has passed a bill to give us all a certain amount of "stimulus money".  So, we each get a certain amount of money depending on what was made in our 2018 taxes and the size of family.  There are a lot of people that are having issues with their anxiety, and depression.  People that have domestic violence happening in their home and those with suicidal thoughts are having a huge struggle and there have been a lot of deaths due to that.  So, we are praying and fasting that this can be controlled and can calm down soon. 

My Foundation, My Cornerstones, My All

          I wanted to write some things that I enjoyed about General Conference, the impressions and feelings about things that penetrated my heart and filled my soul and spirit with joy, love, and hope.  Our Prophet, Russell M Nelson, was the first speaker for the Saturday Session of General Conference and that was an amazing kick-off point for the things that were spoken of in the rest of the conference.  He talked about how this would be a memorable and unforgettable conference, and that we will be blessed in many ways as we listen to the spirit testify of pure truths.  For me it was definitely memorable and unforgettable. 
          First of all, I would like to start by backing up a little bit.  We were instructed by our beloved Prophet to prepare for conference in which we would be having a bicentennial celebration of the 200th anniversary of the First Vision happening.  He gave us suggestions for things we could do to prepare and also put out an email and video telling us to Hear Him.  Just as Joseph Smith was told, by God the Father on that spring day, to Hear Him.  Him meaning Christ.  I have never had a desire in the past to prepare myself for a General Conference before, feeling instead that conference was there to help me prepare to face life and it's challenges.  But I felt a strong desire now to be prepared, and wanted to act on that, knowing it would be for the good of my learning and instruction.  And what a difference it made!
          As I pondered this request I was impressed with the power and impact of such an invitation.  Hear Him!  Hear how Christ speaks to me through the spirit.  Take some time, slow down, be calm, and listen to that still small voice about precious truths he testifies about.  I was very excited about this because this particular subject and truth had been on my mind for several months.  We had been going through a very trying and turbulent time and being able to hear the spirit speak to me and give me comfort was a necessity in my life.  It still is.  I also thought of loved ones that could benefit from understanding how the spirit speaks to them.  I'd been praying for them, and wondering what I could do to help them, or be there for them so that when they are ready and the spirit constrains me to speak, I would be ready to be an instrument in the Lord's hands.  I started by making a list of ways that I know the spirit speaks to me.  Some he uses often, while others he only has used occasionally, or maybe even only once.  I thought about times that I have received impressions and promptings by the spirit, and when he's revealed truths of the gospel to me.  I remembered in my patriarchal blessing that it said I will have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion as I live the gospel to the best of my ability.  I realized that the spirit has been a major part of my life and has helped me to take full advantage of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, find peace and healing, understand my personal role and purpose in the Lord's work, and confirm the truthfulness of gospel principals.  While dwelling on this amazing gift I've been given, I started to read the account of the prophet Joseph Smith.  I watched some video depictions of it as well with my boys and explained to them about the experience, why it was so important and amazing and how they can also pray to find their own answers.  They can follow the example of Joseph Smith and they can also ask Heavenly Father to answer their questions and prayers.  As I was pondering these things I was reading the 4 different things from the HearHim.org website that we can do to Hear Him.  As I was thinking about it and trying to hear what the spirit needed to teach me, I thought of how he uses small and simple ways to communicate with us.  Satan will try to get our attention with big flashy things, noise, and distraction.  He does it boastfully, as our prophet said, and only for his own means.  When God wants to communicate, he allows us the decision to listen.  We can CHOOSE.  We have agency and that's one thing He will NEVER take away from us.  He won't give us huge signs.  He is a loving Father, and isn't going to yell, because He doesn't work that way.  We show our willingness to invite Him into our life, and show faith in Him by taking the time to Hear Him.  He patiently waits until we have prepared ourselves to hear what He wants to tell us, and he will do so softly, in the still small voice of the spirit.  If we choose to listen, we also acknowledge our willingness to hear his communications at the volume He wishes to communicate it. 
        I read through my patriarchal blessing to help me be in the right spirit to be able to willingly accept the spirit, at His volume and will, and went into conference with an open and willing heart.  I have learned through different experiences in my life that I can trust God, and that He sees more than I can see.  So it is best to put my will in alignment with His, and everything always works out in the end.  I learn and grow from the trials and experiences, and they make me better.  So, I've learned not to ask "why" anymore.  I've learned to ask for strength, and be like Nephi and ask Him to give me what I need to do the thing that He commanded me.  So for conference, I was ready to be inspired and told what I needed to do from the Lord.  I was ready to be transformed.
          President Nelson said that "If ye are prepared ye shall not fear".  He talked about having food storage and necessities of life, and that was important.  I have been a big believer and advocate of that.  He talked about, however, making sure that our spiritual reserve is just as prepared and full to last us through trials and tribulations.  And that if we were prepared spiritually, relying on Almighty God, then we would not fear.  We would be able to weather the storm, and be able to see the things we are to learn from those trials.  He said to stand in Holy places and BE NOT MOVED. 
        That struck a cord with me.  A fundamental principle in the gospel is to be built upon a sure foundation.  Many of the apostles and authorities talked about different aspects of this.  I feel in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul that it is the single most important thing we need to learn as children and young adults, and be reminded of as adults as we navigate the waters of this life.  Be not moved.  We need a sure foundation, and how do we gain that?  By HEARING HIM.  We need to learn how the spirit talks to us.  It is very individual, and the way one person feels the spirit will be different than any other person.  If we can learn that, and figure out that part of ourselves, then we have a basis on which to utilize the spirit and the atonement in our lives to learn of the sacred truths the scriptures and prophets reveal.  Truths that have been restored in these the latter-days.  And by the power of the Holy Ghost, we may know the truth of ALL things.  We build our foundation in this way, and put in our "cornerstones" if you will, as spoken of by Elder Gary E Stevenson. 
          Elder Stevenson challenged us to figure out what our "cornerstones" are.  He said that the first 4 questions of the temple recommend interview questions are great places to start.  I got to thinking about what my foundation is made of, and what each of my cornerstones would be.  In contemplating this, I know that my testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is the first and perhaps the most important cornerstone for me.  I gained my testimony of the redeeming power and validity and truthfulness of the atonement when I was 16 years old.  It still boggles my mind that at such a young age I was able to feel the spirit and have it baby-step me to that point that I prayed for myself, instead of just continuing to live off of my parents testimonies.  It was no coincidence.  It was no random act.  Things happened, and I made decisions.  And because my parents taught me that I could get my own answers, I decided to put that to the test.   And because of my spiritual gifts given to me I was able to be in tune and attain that testimony for myself.  It's still a very special and sacred event that happened in my life, and has helped me become the person I am today.  That experience taught me about faith.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His gift of the Atonement.  Faith in myself, that I can know for myself and that age and life experience aren't requisites to be able to draw on the power of the spirit and Jesus Christ.  It taught me that I owe so much to my Savior, and that I love Him SO much for what He did for me. It's a personal thing, and something I know I am incapable of doing for myself.  So I want to honor that sacrifice and live my life to give thanks for all He did for me.  I have been able to really apply the principles of the Atonement in my life. To get me through trials, to help me to be forgiven when I sin.  To help me to make restitution and to forgive.  It is a great comfort that because of the Atonement, the Lord knows how I feel, always.  He understands sorrow, anger, depression, happiness, desperation, sadness, guilt, betrayal.  All the things we feel as human beings He knows.  And that is the greatest gift of all.  Feeling like someone understands, and won't judge no matter what. 
          My 2nd cornerstone is of the validity and truthfulness of the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ in this dispensation.  I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and he was directed and inspired to bring about the translation of the Book of Mormon and to restore the priesthood, the power of God, on earth.  I was able to come by this testimony before leaving to serve a full time mission at the age of 21.  I wanted to have that solidified before I left knowing that it was a HUGE part of what I'd be teaching those searching for the truth.  And without the restoration, we wouldn't have anything to teach.  We wouldn't have the fulness of the gospel to share to gather the lost tribes of Israel and fulfill prophecy.  Without my testimony of the Book of Mormon and the amazing stories and doctrine that is written there I wouldn't know my Savior in the same way.  I would probably still be searching for more.  I have pioneer heritage, and I am grateful every day for the one person who decided to join the church back in those days.  For believing in the restoration and for giving me the opportunity to be able to be born in a family that could teach me about Heavenly Father's plan from infancy.  What a great blessing it is to know that the heavens are opened and that we have the fulness of the gospel.  I don't know where I'd be without it.
          My 3rd cornerstone is knowing the blessings of the temple, and especially that of eternal families.  I met the love of my life in my senior year of high school, and I was guided and prompted by the spirit to pursue the relationship, even through immense hardship, disapproving family, and barriers put in our path.  I was young, but I knew that being married for time and all ETERNITY was important to me.  I was able to hear the still small voice help me in making this decision and helping me know that it was very much the right one.  And through 3 years of being apart and having some amazingly hard trials, I know I got through it because I had prayed about it, and I knew with all my heart and soul that it was the right choice.  The spirit confirmed it for me.  Knowing that I am now married and sealed by the power of God in the temple is such a comfort to me.  Knowing that the children I fought so hard to bring into this world have the protection of that sealing is also a great blessing and comfort to me.  I teach my children of what temple marriage and sealing means to me, and how it felt, and the trials we endured to get there.  It wasn't easy AT ALL!!!  Nothing I've gone through has been easy or come without cost.  But because I know how to hear the spirit, and I let it guide me and keep me company I know that I've come through those trials in far better shape than if I'd tried to do them alone.  The cost of going through those things was SO worth it.  I would do it all again because I know that those trials were there to strengthen me, and to strengthen us, and I wouldn't be who I am without them. 
          My 4th and final cornerstone that grounds me is Personal Revelation, and knowing there is a prophet today to receive revelation to guide the Lord's church.   Because I can receive personal revelation I can get my own answers. I don't have to take anyone's word for it but the Lord's.  Because of personal revelation, I know God's plan for me.  Not just the plan He has for all His children, but His specific plan for Priscilla. And I will tell you that understanding that was a VERY long road and had lots of trials and cost.  Again, it wasn't easy.  But I wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything.  How I need to grow, what I need to work on to become more like Him and gain exaltation in the life to come, these are all things I can know and have help accomplishing because of personal revelation.  And because I have sought personal revelation, sometimes the Lord has answered me in the revelations He has given the prophet.  Like the Come Follow Me program was a HUGE answer to a prayer I'd been asking for several months.  There have been revelations and doctrine of the church that I have heard from the prophet and I didn't believe what he said right away.  Sometimes I don't understand why certain doctrines or practices are made.  I know that I can receive my own answer about it.  Just like Nephi when he heard Lehi's vision of the tree of life, he went to the Lord and asked for verification.  I have gone to the Lord in humble and earnest prayer to ask Him, why?  Could He help me better understand?  And indeed He did.  I hardly ever get answers right away, and sometimes the answer is to figure it out for myself, because the Lord DOES want us to be able to "govern ourselves" and learn to make our own decisions as well.  My mother always taught me that "It is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward". (D&C 58:26). In speaking with a friend we also talked about how we don't need to know every single thing from the Lord.  He's given us the tools we need in order to do it for ourselves.  He's given us spiritual gifts and talents to help us in our endeavors.  He's given us the capacity to learn the things we might need to fulfill the work as well.  He's given us the people around us as well, because we don't have to do anything alone.  And this is a skill necessary to become more like God, because He Himself shows us His apptitude for it everyday, in many ways.  Being Father to trillions and trillions of children in different places in the gospel and life and helping them is a big task.  I'm sure knowing how to help them came from learning how to help oneself be prepared, and some of that is personal study and improvement.  So, if God did it, surely we must need that skill as well.  I feel that President Eyring was right when he talked about the Lord seeing far into the future, and plans things step by step.  He guides His work by giving revelation step by step, line upon line.  Here a little there a little.  And I know that He has done the same for me and my life.  And I'm glad that I have made some good choices in there because it is helping me during this time of strive and upheaval in the world. 
          These cornerstones are what have made me, what ground me, and what have shaped the person I am and the home I am making for my family and all who enter.  I build up from those cornerstones and have received a testimony of so many other things in the gospel.  But for me, these are the things that secure my foundation.  I feel strong in the Lord, and what He has planned for me and the world.  Will it be easy?  Of course not.  Will it be worth it.  Yes, it will be more than worth it.  I was given many other impressions and ideas through conference that I want to write about.  Things to help me to improve myself and be a better wife, mother, and disciple of Christ.   I have learned, sometimes through hard lessons, to let go of what others think of me and my decisions.  I have learned to rely more on God and less on man.  I have learned that when I do that, even if there are hard things to get there, that the end result will be more than I could have ever imagined.  God's is the only opinion that matters, and though it's still sometimes hard to not be bothered by what others say I feel He is helping me progress and feel good.  I want to be like Lehi, at the tree of life, beckoning his family and friends to come and receive.  I don't want to be the person in the mist, lost and confused.  I don't want to be in the tall and spacious building.  I want to keep my focus on the Lord, and reach out to help while holding firmly to the Iron Rod. 
          Now, this is just my experience.  Everyone has a different experience and different things that are hard for them and different gifts as well.  So this is just a personal experience I am sharing and in no way am saying that everyone needs to do this, or be this, or anything of the kind.  Everyone needs to do what they feel is best for them and their situation, and I'm here to help you if you need or want it.  For those of you out there who are struggling at this time, I am here.  I am here to listen.  I am here to help in whatever way is best for YOU.  If you need something, I'll get it.  If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.  If you need to vent how horrible the struggle is and you just can't take it anymore, I'm here.  If you want to talk about the gospel, I'm here.  If you have questions, or concerns, or are wanting to figure out a way back to believing, I'm here.  There are no judgements.   Everyone deserves to feel unconditional love and acceptance, and that's what I'm here to provide to whoever needs it.   I have faith, and I have immense hope.  As Elder Holland said, "if we lose hope, we lose our last sustaining possession".  I'm here to help anyone who needs it to keep hold of their hope.  We WILL get through this, and the Lord will conquer all.   Let's help each other and feel of the Savior's incredible gift, together.
         

I Will Do What the Lord has Commanded

          I know that things I have chosen to do in the last several months may not make sense to most people.  I know that it might be hard for people to understand when I tell them that I am doing what the Lord has asked me to do.  The choices that have been made may not even seem like the smart thing to do, but I have learned something important in my life.  When Father has a plan for you, and He tells you what He wants you to do, you do it, with the utmost faith that everything will work out in the end.  He is doing it to test your faith and your obedience, and it will be tested to the ultimate limits. However, I also know that He only does this to strengthen us, because something else is coming and we need to be prepared.
        This all started a few months ago when Matthew got a job.  After 6 months of being unemployed and our situation being a little shaky he got a job and we were both so relieved.  I was still working full time, and we were very happy that things would be getting better financially.  However, I got this very strong feeling that I was supposed to quit my job.  Now, don't get me wrong here.  I was feeling overwhelmed and burdened at the time I got this message from the Lord, but I also thought it was just my own whims that were dictating my feelings on the matter.  So, I chose to ignore it and continue to work.  But again, I felt the spirit telling me that Father wanted me to quit my job.  I got rather upset and sort of screamed back at the spirit.  "How can I possibly do that right now?!!!  We aren't financially stable, and I don't think this is you talking to me, but my own inner voice.  I just can't right now, so I'm sorry. "  However, Father must have known how stubborn I am so He kept insisting, through the spirit, that I quit my job.
          I decided to at least pray about it.  I could separate my feelings a little easier if I was consistently trying to find the Lord's will for me and my family.  I spent at least 2 weeks in constant prayer, and searching the scriptures for answers.  Trying to feel my way through this muddle of a mess.  I truly felt like it was time for me to quit.  So, I made that decision, and the immense relief that washed over me was insane.  I felt an instant peace, and happiness, and the stress and pit in my stomach went away immediately.  I couldn't deny that this is what the Lord wanted.
        The next day I went to work, and I didn't put in my 2 weeks notice.  I started thinking about everything and how this would all work, and the why and how of what was happening and being asked of me.  I quickly was afraid, and decided that despite my answer to quit, I would just stay.  As soon as I decided that, I felt sick to my stomach.  I ended up with the pit in my stomach back again, stressed beyond belief.  I went home and talked with Matthew about everything, and he told me simply that if the Lord told me to quit, then I needed to do that.  However, he was also worried about our finances, so we decided I would stay until the end of the year and ask Heavenly Father if that was ok.  So, we prayed together to see what Father would tell us.
          Now, during all this time there was an issue with my father in law. He had ended up in the hospital and was very sick for a while.  I was trying to get on leave from work, but I wasn't eligible for any leaves.  I was feeling more and more like I was need in other places, and that in my current position I couldn't fulfill all the roles that I needed to.  I was feeling like maybe that's why Father told me to quit my job.  What I would be doing as a stay at home mom would be far better, and the reason I was needed away from the workplace. When I woke up the next morning I felt that it was wrong to do stay.  I couldn't wait.  Father needed me to quit now, and I wasn't sure the reason why, but it was what He was asking.  I knew he was also probably getting to the end of His patience with me, so I put in my 2 weeks notice and quit my job.  School started right after that and things got busy with keeping up with the schedule for the kids and making sure things were being done around the house as well.  Matthew was working at his new job and I was taking care of the house and kids.  I also had more time to devote to my church callings and to my family as well.  I have not regretted the decision I made, because I know that it was made with help of the spirit, and He has been guiding me through the whole process.
          Things have been pretty tight financially.  Especially here at the Christmas season it is being keenly felt by Matthew and me.  We have been praying for help and went to the Bishop to see if we could get a little help.  Matthew is working lots of overtime, and he's applied for another job as well to see if he gets that it will ease things up a little.  Affording some things for Christmas was hard, but we were blessed yet again by Matthew's parents.  My parents were SO amazing and helped us even further out of the problem, and we've had lots of prayers and help by those close to us in our ward and our friends.  But I've still had those thoughts in the back of my mind that people don't agree with the decision made for me to stay at home.  Which has made me feel a lot of guilt over the help and outpouring of love we've received.
          Along with the guilt comes thoughts of just going out and getting a job.  I pray about it at least once a week if I need to go back to work.  And everytime I ask I get a resounding NO.  I wish that people could understand and support the decision sometimes. I know I made the right decision, but having people in my life be against it has been hard, and adds more stress to my life because I feel like I let them down.  But I'm trying not to let Heavenly Father down, so why am I being punished for trying to be good and listen to God?
          I was at Jiffy Lube today trying to get the oil changed in our vehicles and get the registration taken care of since both cars bad been expired.  I started reading the Book of Mormon again, out loud in spanish, starting this month.  I haven't gotten very far, but i try to read every few days or so.  I decided to read out loud since I was there alone and I could practice my pronunciation a little bit.  I also thought it might heal and soothe my troubled heart.  As I was reading I came across a familiar scripture in 1 Nephi 3:7.  Lehi is telling his sons to go and get the plates from Laban.  Laman and Lemuel are of course complaining, and Lehi is telling them hey, look guys.  It's not like I'm asking you to do it, but the Lord is asking you to do it.  And Nephi, who is the youngest brother in the family at this point, says that he will go and do what the Lord has commanded.  He knows that the Lord will prepare a way for him to accomplish getting the plates.  I know that my choice to quit my job and be a stay at home mother was right.  I also know that, like Nephi, the Lord will prepare a way for us to be able to accomplish having Matthew be the sole provider of our family and for me to stay at home and fulfill my sacred role as a mother.  It hit me so hard that I am doing the right thing.  I may be persecuted for it, but I am doing the right thing and Father is teaching me how to fulfill other roles in my life better, and this is a time for Matthew to be learning how to provide and move forward with his plans and dreams to be able to do so adequately.  I know EXACTLY why Father wanted this for us. I know my purpose and the plan He has for me and my family right now.  No one else does, and that's ok.  My full trust needs to be in God and His plan, not what every one else around me is saying.  That's not to say I don't want their opinion or their wisdom.  Because I do.  But maybe I'm learning that what I need more is unconditional support and strength because I AM trying to do as the Lord is commanding me right now.  Maybe I just need someone to be proud of me for that.  Maybe I just need to only rely on Father being proud of me, and that will be good enough.
          As I continued reading in the scriptures the story of when Nephi goes with his brothers to get the plates unfolded.  They tried a couple of different ways, and when those ways failed, Laman and Lemuel started to murmur against Nephi and the whole issue.  Then they actually started to beat Nephi and Sam.  But an angel appeared and reprimanded them.  The angel basically told Laman and Lemuel that they shouldn't be beating their brothers who are only trying to follow what the Lord has told them.  That hit me pretty hard as well.  I feel that I am being beaten up emotionally, and it is all because I am trying to follow the Lord.  Instead of getting support from those I love I am getting judged and ridiculed for my choice, even though it was based in the spirit and the will of my Father in Heaven.  And right after this happens, the angel tells them to go back another time, and the Lord would deliver Laban into their hands.  Father kept his promise.  He did prepare a way for them to accomplish what He had asked them.  And it was only after the trial of their faith.  After them trying a few times on their own, then He stepped in to help them.  He spoke through the spirit to Nephi to be able to take care of it, because Nephi was faithful.  I am going to follow the example of Nephi, and I am going to keep trying, and keep moving forward.  I am going to continue to listen to the spirit so that we can receive the blessings of faithfulness and obedience.  Because I know that Father has prepared the way, and I believe we have found what He wants us to do.  Now I am ready to go and get it.

The Plan I have for Thee

          I have never had a year harder than the one that is rapidly coming to a close.  At the end of 2018 Matthew got laid off.  I worked full time.  Matthew got a job halfway through the year, and then I was told to stop working.  I've never had a harder year than this, but there have been so many blessings, and more understanding of the great plan Father has for me in this life.
          Working full time was hard for me.  I did it with a happy heart because I felt, truly, that the Lord was trying to put us in a better position to be able to do better things in the future.  It was hard, but I held onto that promise the Lord had made.
          When Matthew found a job I remember thinking how great that was, and that it was an answer to prayers since our financial situation had been declining and we weren't doing great.  Not terrible, but not great.  Us both having jobs would helps things and we could dig ourselves out.  But that's not what was in the plan Father had laid out for me.
          Father told me to stop working.  Matthew had JUST gotten a job, and weren't financially stable, but the Lord was VERY clear about it.  I agonized over the decision for a couple of weeks.  I was praying and doing anything and everything I could to make sure I was making a decision based in faith and the spirit, not my own wants.  Once I made the decision to quit, I knew it was the right one.  Never have I had a more firm response to a prayer in all my life.  After a day or so I was afraid, and started to re-think my choice.  I chose to stay, just until the end of the year and then I'd quit.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach, and I knew that it wasn't the right choice.   So, I knew Father needed me to quit my job, at a time when it was a terrifying prospect.   I remember thinking that it was crazy, but if this is what God wants, then I will do as He asks.  I felt very at peace with the choice, and so I quit my job.  I was able to fulfill my role as wife and mother better.  I was able to go and help my in laws more and to be able to see my family more.  There are definitely great things that have come out of me being a stay at home mother and not working.  And even in this hard situation now, I know it was the right choice, and the Lord has blessed us for our obedience.  I see if in almost every aspect of my life.  I'm better at my calling, I'm better at being there and in my children's lives.  I'm learning to be a better wife and daughter/in law.  The peace in my heart in truly indescribable.
          Our finances, however, never have improved and have gotten steadily more unstable as time has gone on.  We tried to re-finance the house to cash out some of the equity to be able to pay our debt and keep floating.  We were rejected when we did that a few months ago, in Aug. We just tried again, out of desperation, and to our surprise and relief we were approved, so we have been hurrying to get things done so that it could go through quickly.  We called this week to make sure the appraisal was received and everything was moving along.  They said we wouldn't be closing on this until January.  JANUARY????!!!!!!  But, I'm screaming in my head, What about Christmas for our boys?  What are we going to do?  We need a couple thousand dollars just to come out even right now and I have NO idea where we are going to get that.  I keep praying, and hoping.  Hoping that things will work out how they need to and that I can be at peace with whatever Heavenly Father has in store for us, for me.
          We are in the Christmas season, a time of year when miracles are believed in and can happen.  This is the time of year that we believe in the magic of what Christmas represents.  Some days I just hold on to that feeling and that hope so tightly that I feel like it escapes through my fingers, and then I feel depressed.  I have a hard time feeling hope or feeling like there is a miracle out there for me.  But, like my mother always told me, and was a great example to me, is that you have to keep moving forward.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best you can and then pray like crazy.  I have learned over my 34 years of life that sometimes things are what they are, and you can't change them.  That doesn't mean you have to let them get you down.  That just means that you put your shoulder to the wheel and push along.  Just roll up your sleeves and with a lot of gusto , grit, and determination you can deal with things.   I've dealt with the finances of my family for my whole marriage.  So I've had the opportunity to learn and understand a few things I didn't before, and I have learned a lot about how to go about handling and doing things.  Sometimes I've had to get really creative to solve an issue, but I was always able to do that.  I have learned that stressing about something you can't fix won't help anything. It's better to look on the bright side and put it in the hands of the Lord and do everything you CAN do.  Because He will make up the difference, and fill the deficit after all that we can do.
          After everything I've been through, and all the things I'm feeling now and the hopelessness I sometimes feel, I am still holding on to the hope and having faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I know He will deliver me from where I am, I just have to be patient and know God has a plan for me.  Even if I don't get everything my way, or the way I'd intended.  I'm just hoping and praying, this Christmas, to be able to give love and kindness to others, and that I can provide enough for groceries and for a magical experience for my children.  So I've been praying for that with all my heart and soul.
          I was at a Christmas party with my friend, and the entertainment was David Archuleta.  I went into the evening excited because it was a chance to get out of the house and just enjoy being out with friends and my husband.  I never expected to feel the spirit so strongly and to have Father speak to my heart the way he did.
          The music performed was phenomenal.  David Archuleta has a gift.  Yes, he has a great voice, but he puts a lot of heart and soul into his music, and he allows for the spirit to be there with him to communicate the message in his songs.  There was 2 pieces of music that really touched my heart.  One of those pieces of music was shared after a story about how he came to write the piece.  It's called My Little Prayer.  He told us of an experience of one night that he didn't say his prayer in the evening before he fell asleep.  However, in his dream he was praying, but not like a normal prayer.  He was singing his prayer.  And even though he didn't hear Heavenly Father's voice, he could feel what He was communicating.  He felt it so strongly, and he was told before he woke up that he needed to wake up and write this music down.  So, he woke up, recorded the cords and the words of his prayer and he shared it with us.  I felt like it was me saying a prayer to Heavenly Father.  It's what I've been saying, praying, for months, and hoping for solace to heal my haggard heart.  Here are the lyrics to the song:

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
for Your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
and that You are really there
sometimes I am afraid
and I know thats lacking faith
but I'm beginning to understand
that for me You have a plan

Heavenly Father I am grateful
for you sending your son
to die so that I live
and for never giving up
I'm learning every day
that I won't always have my way
but I'm beginning to understand
that for me You have a plan

Heavenly Father I am grateful
for You here in my prayer
I am learning to be patient
and that You are really there
There are answers I'm receiving
no there not always immediate
sometimes I have felt defeated
that's when I kneel down and pray
You show me You hear my prayer
I'm amazed by how You care
cause You hear my little prayer

          The perfect way this describes my feelings over the past year is so indescribable.  These are all things I am feeling, and learning, and trying to develop in myself.  I know that Christ lives, and I know that He hears my prayers.  I know that He is there advocating to the Father for me.  I know that He is happy with the effort I put forth.  I know very clearly, for the first time in my life, that the trials I am now facing are for me to learn and grow.  They are very specific for me in this time, and for my family to be able to learn something that will be of great help and comfort to us in the future.  I've never felt this way about a situation before.  I could always look back in hind sight and see what the Lord needed for me to learn.  But, I know NOW what it is He is needing from me, and I'm trying to have faith and keep on doing what He is asking.  No matter how hard it is, or how inadequate I feel.  No matter how worthless I am made to feel or how down I get, all it takes is a moment of reflection to remember how great He is and His love for me.  He isn't doing this to punish me, but to lift me and make me better.  He needs me to learn from this, to remember how it feels, and to be able to carry it with me throughout my life. 

          Jesus Christ, while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, there was only one time during the ordeal that He asked Father, "remove this cup from me, not as I will, but thy will be done".  There's a lyric in that song that says, "I am grateful for you sending your son, to die so that I live, and for never giving up."  God NEVER gives up on us, even when we give up on ourselves, or on each other, or even on Him.  Something else I've pulled from that, is that Christ never gave up.  He asked about a possibility, of not having to do this hard thing.  However, he also was ok with Father's answer.  And Christ NEVER GAVE UP.  He went through the whole experience to make sure that I could return to live with my family and with God forever.  If He, who suffered ALL things, never gave up, surely I can do the same, only ever having to go through my own trials in life, and not suffer and feel EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S suffering and trials.  And in return for Him never giving up on me, and for continuously advocating to Father for me, I can find faith in my trials.  I can help those in the midst of their trials and show love and compassion.  I can accept the Father's will for me.  It may not be always my way, but as long as it falls in line with heavens way, and the way Father has laid out for me, I can do it.  It won't always be easy, but I can remember 2 things:
1. I can do hard things
2. Just like Christ, Never Give Up.

        This too shall pass, and I know that it will be alright in the end of all things.  The things we pass through are but a small moment in all reality.  I will try to be more faithful in the moments that will mold and shape me.  And in those moments I will remember the one who gave me the opportunity to come to this earth, and have these experiences.  The experiences that will make me a great servant of the Lord and help me to be able to go back to live with my Father in Heaven.  So even though I don't know how we'll buy groceries, or pay the bills this month, or even come up with Christmas, I know the Lord is with me and He is cheering for me and going to help me through this.

The Roles are Reversed

     I have been thinking lately just how hard it is for me now that I'm the only provider for my family.  It's been several months since Matthew was laid off from his job, and we have been doing ok, but it is often hard for me to make myself work full time every day and miss the things that I feel are more important for me to be doing.  Not that providing for my family isn't important.  I am so happy that I have a good status at my current job, and benefits, and that everything is going smoothly.  I even like my job, which is more than I can say for most people.  However, it's just hard when you see so much that needs to be done, and you feel it's your responsibility to do it all, and it just isn't getting done.  It's hard to feel like the time I spend at work is worth it when all I want to do is be home and do the things I find most worthwhile.  Like keeping a clean house, spending time with my kids, taking care of the menus, grocery shopping, events, play dates, exercising and different things that life throws at me as a parent and a human being.  I always have a list about a mile long that seems never-ending, and because Matthew is home with the kids I assume that a lot of that will be done without me.  But when I come home, it's like maybe the barest of minimums got done and it's not enough for me.
     I take care of the finances, making sure the bills are paid and we have enough in our account to survive.  I take care of the grocery lists and the menus, which seems fairly easy, but not when the Dr has given you several restrictions so it makes for a harder time planning meals.  Before working full time, I also made sure the house was clean, the laundry done, the kids fed, cleaned and taught what was right and played.  I also wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself and my health since that seems to be something that is in question a lot lately and since we are wanting another baby it might just be the hardest thing I've had to work at yet.  All that, with the kids and the errands, and school for Michael, and teaching Ammon, and then I would still work in the evenings, and sometimes I would pick up extra hours if they would let me to help bring in extra money. Then there are my responsibilities as a wife that I never feel like I am getting right and I'm not always sure how to fix it or make it better, even though I try really hard.  I'm on so many medications for my health and also to try to get pregnant that it makes just surviving on a daily basis somewhat complicated and then cue the migraines that I get on a weekly basis, at least 3 times.  My back is bad, I have PCOS, I have Hashimoto's disease and I'm tired ALL THE TIME!!!!  But doing all that and working full time instead of just sometimes is really, REALLY hard for me!!!!  But what I keep forgetting, perhaps on a daily basis, is that I'm not the only one in my family going through something incredibly hard.
     I know that it's been hard for Matthew being a stay at home parent and feeling like he has the whole world on his shoulders in raising the kids and keeping a clean house.  He also is supposed to be working out and eating right, and finishing his classes and then he wants to start a blog so he can try and earn some money until he gets his degree.  And on top of that he is the DM (Dungeon Master) for 2-4 games on a weekly basis.  Some he's at home for, some he's not.  I think it's been overwhelming for him to try and figure out what I was doing, and me trying to figure out what he was doing and having to have the roles reversed.  I feel like in the end it will be VERY worth the pain and issues, but sometimes the human part, the "natural man" gets the better of me and I complain and I make a total idiot of myself.  Then I feel horrible and no matter how hard I try I'm never able to make things the way they were.  I just feel like it would be SO much easier for Matthew to go and find another job and for me to quit and be home and then everything would run more smoothly, and I have 0 doubts that it would.  However, I would have made the biggest mistake a wife could ever make.  I would have taken away the opportunity for him to make his dreams come true.  The opportunity to do for a living what he wants, not what he HAS to do in order to provide.  I couldn't live with myself if I did that to him.  He has been such a GOOD Father and husband and I just need to be able to take care of this on my own and not make an issue.  So, why is this so hard?
     While the sacrament was being passed  in Sacrament Meeting today I had a thought.  I was asking Heavenly Father to please help me feel better about this situation, and to help me through it. What could I do in order to make things better so I don't feel like this is so hard.  And the answer was immediately resounding in my mind.  "Stop complaining!".  No matter how you feel, or how you think it's hard for you, just don't complain about it, and find another way to deal with the frustrations.  Put the emotion into working out, or cleaning something in the house before leaving for work.  Try to make life easier for Matthew so he can figure out this part of his life because when this part is over, we will all be the better for it.
     So, this week I am going to focus on the things I can do, and not worry about the things I can't.  I am going to put my negativity away, and I am going to be grateful for something each and every day.  I am going to write down what I"m grateful for and put it in a jar, and at the end of the year I will go through them and read them and see all the positive in my life instead of all the negative.

How the Atonement Has Changed My Life

        Today with Matthew we prepared to teach about the Atonement in our 10 year old primary class.  This is a topic that holds something special in my heart as it is the first thing I ever prayed about.  It is the first real thing that I wanted to know, with a surety, for myself.  I wanted to be able to teach it in a way that it would be memorable, and we probably were able to make that happen, even if it wasn't in the more spiritual way I was hoping for.  Having only 20 or 25 minutes to teach about this is a challenge.  But, that is why I was prompted to write something about this, for my own personal view and study of it.
        I was in high school when I first started doubting that the gospel and what I was being taught in church was true.  I had a friend that I spoke to often; he was part of a different religion and we used to talk a lot about the different views of each others beliefs.  The more he spoke to me, the more sense it made that things really might work more the way he was telling me, not what I'd been taught my whole life.  It was a turbulent time for me.  I felt I needed to defend the church and the gospel from what he was saying, while at the same time I was thinking I could be wrong.  I could be telling him something that is completely wrong and I needed to know, without a doubt, what was right.
        I studied during that time a lot.  I studied a lot of the Old and New Testaments, and I was studying things that would refute what he was telling me was wrong with the Church of Jesus Christ.  He wouldn't accept anything from the Book of Mormon, because he didn't believe in it, and I was bound and determined to defend my religious beliefs from out of those books if that's all that he would believe and understand.  One day however, I came to the understanding that if I was ever to get an answer for myself, then I needed to take the challenge seriously, and I needed to follow Moroni's challenge and promise found in Moroni 10: 3-5.   So, I decided to do just that.
        I figured I was already doing the studying part.  So I started praying, fervently, for the answer to my prayers.  I was asking if everything I was taught my whole life was true.  Did Christ really die for me?  Was He really the Son of God?  Was I following Him as I should be, or should I be doing that from another religion?  One of the topics that was discussed the most was the topic of Jesus Christ being Jehovah of the Old Testament, or whether he was just a prophet who did amazing things in God's name in the New Testament.  I received a very bold and straightforward answer from my Heavenly Father that what I was taught from my infancy was true. I won't go into detail about that dream, because it's deeply personal to me and I don't feel this is the proper place to talk about it, however I didn't need to wonder any longer.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is the most central thing in the gospel. Without it, none of the rest of this is even worth going through, because it wouldn't be possible to even make it through without it.  As I've grown and learned more about the Atonement and what it means in the gospel, it has taken on new meanings for me as well.  I have learned new and interesting aspects that I never saw before, and I understand more than I ever thought possible.  That is simply because, in utilizing the Atonement appropriately, it has helped me see and grow in understanding of the gospel and how the plan actually works.
        I keep thinking of the Kevin Bacon game.  You name something, and then keep naming things that pertain to that subject until you can link it back to Kevin Bacon.  I believe the same could be applied to the Atonement of Christ.  Choose any gospel topic or issue, and you can relate it all the way back to the Atonement.  It is the greatest act of love and selflessness the world has ever known and without it, there would be nothing. There would be no hope; hope of a brighter future, hope of overcoming sin, hope of overcoming death, nothing.  There would be no hope of being able to live with our families again or being able to live in the Celestial Kingdom in the next life.
        There are a couple of things that I was taught about the Atonement that I have never forgotten.  I don't recall if I heard these in conference, or a seminary class but I know they changed my life.  One of those things is that, if we sin intentionally, it causes Christ more pain, more anguish, more suffering for which I can't ever repay Him.  I don't have to choose to make bad choices, I can do my best to make right choices so I don't cause Him more of those awful and horrible experiences.  It also is a mockery of the Atonement, and even though we can repent in this life because of Christ's selflessness, if we are intentionally doing things and then saying we will repent later, that will not be tolerated at all by God at judgement.  That becomes a piece of what is in our hearts, and if our hearts are deceitful God will see through that and that sacrifice may not apply to us then.  For how we live on this earth, how we think, that is how we'll be in the next life, so we want to make sure that our intentions are pure and honest and heartfelt.
        One of the other things that I was taught concerning the Atonement that I've remembered is that if Christ hadn't made that sacrifice for us, if he hadn't gone through all the pain, and sorrow, and feelings of betrayal and loneliness, then for each sin I would have to suffer as well.   This hit me especially hard after I gained my testimony of the Atonement through a dream.  It reminds me of the story of Alma the younger, and he was struck dumb for 2 days and 2 nights, and on the 3rd day he was given strength back in his body and he told everyone there of how he had spent the time repenting, nigh unto death.  He suffered some SMALL amount in the way that Christ suffered for our sins.  The dream I had drove this home, and I have never EVER forgotten that. While I was teaching this to my class today one of the girls asked if we just stood still, stayed in one place the whole time we're here on earth with just eating and drinking if that would solve our problem.  I told her no, because in the D&C we learn that he who must be commanded in all things is a slothful servant, and we need to be anxiously engaged in a good cause.  We can't just live in a bubble and hope to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. We needs works, acts of faith, learning about the different emotions and how to handle those emotions in a health and appropriate way.  We need experience, and we need to know the difference between right and wrong and we learn that through opposition.  So, even though it would just be easier, we need to go through all life gives us, the good AND the bad.
        Something that helps me keep things in perspective in a world that's always throwing things at us and wants us to get caught up in the monotony of it all is all that Christ went through.  I know that we don't focus on the death of Christ.  That isn't NEARLY as important as remembering that He was resurrected and because of this, we will also be resurrected and will live again, forever.  He overcame death in this way, and now he can be our mediator so we can have that same gift.  But all that He went through is what keeps things in perspective for me.  Following the timeline of what happened from the time he came back into Jerusalem and held the last supper.  He washed the feet of his disciples and taught them of service and things they needed to know before He had to suffer for THEIR shortcomings.  Then He went to the Garden.  He asked them to please watch and pray, and then HE went to pray.  That is most certainly a great example of how prayer can change someones life, or in this case, the lives of everyone who ever lived, and who ever will live on this earth.  He went through so much, exhausted and drained physically and emotionally.  Even an angel was sent to uphold Him during this time.  He went back out to the apostles and they were sleeping.  If I was doing something SO painful and life changing as this for someone, I'd be a little offended and upset that my friends had fallen asleep.  They couldn't even pray for me while I was suffering for all of their sins and sorrows.  He wasn't like that.  He just woke them, and asked them again to watch and pray and went back into the garden to pray and go through more pain to pay for all that we needed from Him.
        He was betrayed, by one who claimed to love him, yet it seemed he loved money more than his Master.  Judas spent every day with the Savior.  He saw Him perform miracles and raise the dead.  He heard him speak, and listened to the gospel at every turn.  And yet he sought out to betray Him.  Even though it was hard for Christ to go through, I know that He understands how that feels, and that has given me great comfort in my life when I've felt betrayed.  He was up all night, on trial at Caiaphas's house. Even though it was illegal for them to be doing that, and the way they went about it was against their own laws, they did it.  Once they came to their decision, he was taken to the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, and he was put on trial again.  Pilate found Christ to be innocent, and knowing that it was the tradition of the Jews to forgive one criminal over the passover, he gave them a chance to save Christ.  He gave them a choice between Him and Barabbas, the seditionist and murderer.  They decided to let the murderer go free and punish Christ instead!  So, Pilate told him to go and they would inflict 40 lashes upon him.
        They used a cat of nine tails.  The put a crown of thorns on his head to mock him and they watched as he received this punishment.  His skin torn and hanging from his body and he still moved ever forward.  Never complaining, never stopping, Christ went back and they wanted Him crucified.  So, after all the pain of Gethsemane, after all the pain of being flogged, and after all the emotional and physical things he'd gone through, he still had more to go.  He had to carry the crossbeam he was to be nailed to up to the hill to be essentially tortured to death.  He couldn't even make it that far.  They had someone else carry the beam the rest of the way, Simon.  There is a beautiful song written about Simon and how he felt about carrying the cross beam for Christ to be killed.
        He was layed down on the cross and not just tied to it, like the 2 thieves that were there to die next to Him; He was nailed to it.  And because they were worried about his weight pulling through the nails, they also put nails into his wrists.  He was put up with a sign saying he was the King of the Jews and then he suffered there, some more, for several hours.  Crucifixion is a terrible way to be killed.  It is a slow and torturous way to suffocate someone.  I can't imagine having to go through all the things that Christ did, and at this point, before He could give up the ghost, He was even meant to know what it was like to be alone, with no one.  He had the spirit and His father with Him throughout His whole life, and at this crucial juncture, when you would want your Dad the most, He wasn't there.  He needed to know what that was like so He could succor us at times when we feel completely and utterly alone.  I am so grateful for this part of the Savior's sacrifice, because I know truly and well what it's like to feel completely and utterly alone, with no one there to feel you can trust or hold onto to help you through life's trial. 
        Christ still showed such great love and compassion while suffering in this way.  He asks the Father to forgive the Romans, for they know not what they do.  I have a hard time forgiving sometimes.  But if Christ was able to forgive the people who were torturing and killing Him, why can't I?  I'm sure it was a great relief to Him when He could finally be done, and died.  A lot of people feel that way.  Ones that suffer through mental illnesses and other trials in life sometimes feel like it's not worth living and that it will all stop once you're gone.  Christ suffered like no one has suffered.  And yet it did still leave a print on those He left behind.  So if nothing else, Christ understands what it feels like to be at your limit and feel like you can't go any longer, and yet He did.  He kept going and only gave it up when it was done so we all could have power over death.  He will understand those people and be able to help them when they need it as well, and in a way that is far more empathetic than most people.
          Sometimes life is hard, and it becomes almost too much to bear.  I have utilized the power of the Savior's atonement many times throughout my life.  The relationships with my family members, with the family I married into, when I was trying to have children, when I was learning to be a mother, death, feeling completely and totally inadequate in everything I do in all aspects of my life, and trials in motherhood and marriage to name just a very few.
        I know without any doubt in my mind that Jesus is the Christ.  He came here, and lived a perfect life.  He KNOWINGLY came here, and suffered for my sins, my pains, my sorrows, my everything.  He went through so much and gave me a perfect example of how I should live.  He understands me when no one else does.  I will be forever grateful for those days in high school that made me wonder, that made me doubt.  I'm so grateful that I made the choice to know for myself and gain that testimony.  It is priceless, and I continue to treasure that for forever.

                                                  HE IS RISEN!!!!

Keeping Yourself while being a wife and mother

    Dang is it a struggle to keep being myself and keep pursuing my personal goals in the midst of it all.

     I have been married about 10.5 years now.  I have learned a lot over those years and have learned some things about myself.  Learned some misconceptions I had about growing up, what that really means, the sacrifices that are made, and what you end up coming out looking like.  I don't mean looking like, as in, just my looks.  I mean the way I am, my personality, my good, my bad, my ugly, and the beautiful. The things that matter to me, the things that make me irreplaceable-y me.
     Growing up the things that were most important to me, that defined me, are very different than what they are today.  However, I thought those things that I grew up with were going to be the things that I ALWAYS had with me.  Things that I would always be good at and people would look at me and be like, "yep, that's totally Priscilla".  The things that make me feel like, well, me!!
 
GROWING UP

  I was a hard worker.  I learned from a really young age that helping my mom keeping the house clean, taking care of the kids, learning to cook, all those things were things that I felt like were great qualities about me.  My mother always called me her little helper and she always would leave me in charge because she trusted me.  I always wanted to make her proud and I figured the best way to get some attention in a REALLY big family was to be my mother's right hand daughter.  I also felt it was my duty to some extent because I was also the OLDEST daughter.
     I LOVED dancing.  I feel like dancing is a part of my that will never, EVER go away.  It came easy to me, naturally.  It made me feel good physically and helped me to stay in shape for a number of years.  It taught me how to be graceful, taught me how to have control of my muscles and my body.  It was so filled with emotion that you don't have to actually vocalize to anyone that it was the best way to get my feelings across and feel free!  There is just nothing like being able to dance and go with the flow of the music.  Learning new things, being flexible, and learning to dance with a team.  Competing was amazing, and I'll never be able to fully describe the full depth of feeling I have for dancing.  I think in a way, it helped me to overcome some of my introverted and shy nature as a kid.
     Piano and music are something that are part of who I am.  The things they have taught me and how the music can take over me, teach me, give me a sense of feeling that you can't get any other way.  I have always loved singing and playing the piano.  My singing voice isn't that great, but I have learned that doesn't matter so much as trying to improve.  I only spent 1 year learning to play the piano.  That's not a lot of time, but it was enough that I learned how to read music.  If you can read music, you can do anything!  My parents couldn't afford to do a lot of lessons, and the year that I had piano I wasn't very good at practicing.  So, they told me no more lessons since I wasn't practicing, and I wasn't really keen on moving forward with it anyhow.  After a couple of years though I felt bad.  My mother really did want me to learn to be a pianist, so I decided to put to good use the information that I DID get from piano lessons and I taught myself how to play.  I can't say I'm super great, but it's enough to sing at home and to play at church if needed.  It helps me to get out some of my pain and sadness. Playing puts me in a place all it's own.  It's very freeing.  I know that I was annoying to my family growing up because I would practice a piece over and over until I got it down well, with no mistakes.  So, they may not feel the same way as I do about it, but I LOVE it.  It helps me to re-focus myself on things that actually need my attention.  Gives me a way to decompress and de-stress as well.  Singing, as I said earlier, isn't one of my better talents, but being married to Matthew has certainly helped it.  I took some lessons while he was on his mission and after we were married Matthew was part of an a capella group at BYU.  I learned a lot from that, even though I wasn't in the group.  It made me more confident in myself and my ability to make up parts to go along with a song.

AFTER HIGH SCHOOL

     These are the things that I consistently link with who I am.  It probably sounds weird but there it is.  After seeing it in type, it doesn't seem like that much or even a big deal, but those things were my whole life.  They were everything that I thought made me have worth in anyone's eyes and without them I didn't know really what or who I was.
      I also thought there would be certain things that I accomplished in my life.  This is how I thought my life would go:  I would grow up and serve a mission.  I might do college, but wasn't sure what I would even study because the only thing I was interested in was Dancing and I didn't know how to make a good career out of it.  It's hard to become a dancer and keep your standards also.  So I floated through school telling my counselor's that I wanted to be a dancer.  I figured that I would just find some job that would be enough and I would serve several missions and die an old maid, which I was fine with.  Then after a few years and turning into a teenager I decided that I wanted to get married, but I didn't think that would happen for a LONG time.  I was certain that I would get out of high school, serve a mission or 2, and then when I was around 30 I would find someone to marry.  I didn't think guys in high school were even worth going after, so I'd need to wait until they were back from a mission.  How I was going to meet them in a small town and not going to college didn't really cross my mind.  But, I was content with the idea.  I vaguely remembered that my patriarchal blessing talked about getting married, but I didn't remember it saying in this life.  If I died an old maid I was going to see if one of the stripling warriors was available on the other side.
     I met my husband on the first day of school my senior year, and I didn't really know it then, but that day changed my life forever.  Ever since then we have always been best friends.  We both served missions and got married, and then moved to Provo for him to finish school.  I learned a lot about myself then.  I didn't even blink in the face of moving somewhere farther from home than anyone else in my immediate family.  I had a solid job, was offered a bunch more money to stay on and be a manager, which I turned down.  I was free to play the piano whenever I wanted and I was taking dance classes for adults which was amazing!  They are really hard to find, actually.  So, when I moved to Provo I didn't know just what I was giving up.  I thought for sure things would be as follows:
Matthew would finish his degree, I would get to go to school and do dance education.  I wanted to have my own dance studio.  We would have children, buy a house and he would be a seminary teacher and I would be a dance teacher and all would be well.  However, that's not exactly how life went for us.  After a few years of doing school Matthew ended up needing to take a break, and because of that he didn't have a job, so he applied for one he said he'd NEVER work at to make sure he could take care of us.  About a year and 9 months into our marriage we received inspiration from Heavenly Father that we were to start trying to start a family.  So, over the course of time Matthew was in school and I was working a full time job to support us I was also trying to get pregnant, and that was one of the hardest trials of my life.  My plans changed infinitely, but I still didn't really realize what I was giving up in order to become a mother.  I didn't really understand what I had given up and sacrificed to be a wife, and I didn't understand how different my life had become, and the things I had thought when I was younger were moving farther and farther away.  I was more focused on what was in front of me to look back too far.  I didn't really miss those things at first, but as time wore on, and as things started settling down into a rhythm I started to see things differently.  I started to see that I wasn't playing the piano.  It has been years since I've seriously sit down to play.  I don't know if I could even play well if I tried.  I haven't danced in EVEN LONGER.  I lost that part of my weekly grind when I moved to Provo.  There aren't any studios that I've ever found that teach an adult class of tap or jazz or something.  It's been a point of sadness for me for a couple years now.  Music has still been a huge part of my life because of the A Capella club and Matthew's group he belonged to for a while.  I actually made one of my best friends ever because of that group, so I'll always be so grateful for that.  I gave up a lot of my former self to become a wife and mother, and for the longest time I was sad about it.  I don't WANT to give up on the things that I love.  I have felt that, although I love them now and I am definitely NOT sad that I do them, my husband's interests and things he wants to do are a HUGE part of my life, while the things that I find to be more my things, the things that make me feel like Person Priscilla instead of Wife Priscilla or Momma Priscilla, haven't been a big part of my life almost since I got married.  Matthew is very supportive, and he would NEVER tell me that I couldn't do things I wanted to.  It's just finding a place to do them, and not feeling selfish or like I'm making things hard on the family if I do. 
     I've also realized that the things I would call talents, the things that I told myself over and over I'm good at and will help so many people, actually aren't viable talents in the world today.  I don't have a secondary education at a college, I'm not exactly creative and have lots of abilities that help me get better jobs.  Matthew does.  I haven't always had a way to make friends, and when I put myself out there, more often than not I'm ignored or pushed aside, and all I've wanted is a friend, someone to understand me and what I'm going through.  Someone I can talk to, who can be there for me, and I can be all those things for them as well.  The one person I found moved back home, out of state, and I found myself alone.  So, things had to evolve.  I had to keep pushing forward and finding things about myself that are still uniquely "Person Priscilla".  I have found that I'm a great worker.  That hasn't changed over the years.  I've pushed myself, and hold myself to a schedule.  Have I had to learn how to be more flexible with the schedule and not get upset at myself or circumstances that make it impossible sometimes for me to get everything done I wanted?  Of course I have!  I feel like I've learned so much over the last 10+ years of my marriage.  How I deal with situations, the things that are really important to me, the people that I associate with and I keep in my life.  I've learned about loss, I've learned about my health and the importance of it.  I've learned about how important it is, no matter how strong your marriage is, to keep on trying harder and harder every day.  I've learned patience, in everyday life and in difficult and painful situations.  I've learned how to get over other people's expectations of me and just look at the expectations I hold myself to and Heavenly Father has of me.  Those are the only 2 that really matter.  And that of the family I'm raising.  And even then, I know they won't always like me or like what I do, but I will still do right by them because one day it will all pay off and have been worth it.
     Something I am just realizing right now, as I write this, is that the talents that I had before aren't the same as the ones I'm trying to collect now.  And the ones I'm trying to collect now are FAR more important.  I want to be like the wives of the general authorities and be amazing.  I want to be patient, loving, kind, diligent, and non-judgmental.  I want to help people see the best in themselves and serve until I die.  I want to be the person that helps those who have lost the way, because believe it or not, I've been there.  And I've had some amazing spiritual experiences that have helped me shape who I am and who I will need to be in the future for my husband, my children, and any of the people I come in contact with that the Lord has in store for me.  Do I still wish I had some of those original things at my disposal?  Of course, and I will probably still try to get those things in my life in some way.  However, I'm very glad and grateful for the things that I have now, and that they are helping me to be a better person so I can teach my kids important things, not just be someone important in the world.  I want to be able to be with my family forever, and that's WAY more important than having all the talents and dreams that this world deems as being successful.  I've only added to myself, not subtracted by doing the things that were right in front of me, the things that the Lord saw fit to give me to handle.  I'm hoping He's proud of the way I've handled them for the most part.  I know that I'm still imperfect, and I still have a lot to learn, but I'm still holding strong to my beliefs and moving forward.